Senses Failed

1

"come on, nie, y'all get up or we gon be late for church."

instantly i threw the pillow over my head to drown out her yelling. all i wanted to do was spend my sunday in bed, peacefully sleeping.

"shepherd, scout over your hoggin' up all the room." nadiyah groaned, next to me, kicking me in my side, sending me toppling onto the floor.

"shepherd, nadiyah." grandma stormed in, already dressed in her sunday best, i swear church was a fashion show for her with her long white skirt, her purple button up shirt, white blazer and her huge purple hat, that covered majority of her face.

"im not gon tell y'all again to get up, and nadiyah why your curlers ain't in yo hair? y'all have twenty minutes, hurry up."

she closed the wooden door as nadiyah made her way into the bathroom. "im gettin' so tired of this shit. everyday." she complained, stripping out of her pajamas. "everyday is church this, bible study that, God this, God that. i need a break from God for awhile."

"watch your mouth, nadiyah." i rummaged through my draws to find something decent to wear.

"you know im right." she yelled from the shower. "i love grandma but she be trippin'."

walking in, i looked in the mirror, touching my round face, noticing the fading dark circles under my eyes. "you know how grandma is ever since mom-"

"she's been acting like where going to do the same thing." she interjected, wrapping a towel around her.

"well you do smoke weed."

"weed is not crack, shepherd."

"and you had sex before marriage." i pointed out, taking out the last few rollers, before getting in the shower. "and your boyfriends a drug dealer."

"and you should really shut the fuck up before she hears you." her hand, hitting me in the side through the curtain. "you know that women has ears like a hawk."

i didn't mind grandma being over protective. we were honestly all she had left and she knew what was best, the Bible says respect your elders so who am i to go against her wishes.

when the water started to turn cold i decided that meant to get out, wrapping my warm towel around me, i stepped out the shower. "you have got to me fuckin' kidding me, nadiyah."

looking at her jean pants and long sleeve black t-shirt. even though she was covered up the women of the church did not wear pants, they said it was for men, and with nadiyah wearing it, it would be worst; they thought she was fast.

"i don't care after church im going to the ave to chill with rodney."

"he's back?"

she nodded, waiting for me at the door.

my face scrunched up at the mention of his name. i didn't know much about rodney but i did know he sold drugs and he's trouble so i stayed as far away , whenever nadiyah would bring him around, as possible.

josie, grandma, warned her about him when child services placed us with her. but the more grandma told her, it's like the more she wanted him.

all grandma would say is, "she's an adult, shepherd, she's gonna make her own mistakes."

i didn't really agree.

i put on my slip before slipping on my black, below the knee, pencil skirt and dark green button up.

"hurry up girls." granny yelled from downstairs, grabbing my black heels in my hand, i hobbled down the stairs, putting them on.

we walked out the door, locking it behind us, as we started on down the block to church.

trenton wasn't the safest neighborhood but it also wasn't the worst. kids ran around in the water of the broken fire hydrant, dope heads walked up and down the street looking for people to ask for a dollar for their next fix, old men sat on the stairs of the buildings playing cards while the women gossiped about who was screwing who's man.

"goodmorin' there ms. josie" calvin greeted, lifting up his hat. "and ladies."

"good morning, baby." grandma smiled, as we rounded the corner to the church. saint hill was divided right in the middle between the north and south of trenton, it was considered a peaceful treaty.

where both sides agreed there would be no bloodshed.

all i knew was that between the north and the south territory was important and that's all i needed to know.

at least that's what grandma said.

"good morning ladies." deacon parish smiled, holding the white door open for us.

grandma stayed on the church lawn until services started, talking with her friends.

"so ready for this shit to be over." nadiyah mumbled beside me.

"oh, is that so." we turned to the voice behind us to see the first lady of the church.

"oh she didn't mean it like-"

"i know exactly what she meant." her eyes roaming up and down her body, raising a questioning eyebrow at her choice of clothing. "watch your mouth in the church." she told her before walking away.

nadiyah rolled her eyes as they took their seats in the middle pew. "i hate that bitch."

"would you stop before someone else hears you."

the people of the church already had a preconceived notion about her and we'd only moved here six months ago, it was annoying how they'd sticked their nose up at her or believed whatever someone would make up about her on the street but at the same time she gave them things to talk about.

and most of the time they weren't lies.

church started to fill up with kids, women and men sitting in the middle pews, the elders sat in the first two rows in all white while the preacher, first lady and the deacon board members sat in their chairs ,aligned, on the stage, the choir behind them.

josie sat in the first row.

the preacher stood in his grey suit, grabbing the microphone. "how many of y'all know that God is good?" he smiled around at the room allowing a chorus of "amens" and "yes's" fill his ears.

"here we go with this shit."

i glanced over at her, her head laid against the wall, looking out the glass stained windows.

"you see i know God is good to me." he shouted, "because he woke me up this morning when he didn't have too, y'all know what im sayin'?"

"yes pastor!" this lady yelled next to me, shaking from side to side.

"he woke me up and showed me another day, he said, pastor i ain't through with cha, not yet."

i clapped my hands as did the people around me.

"he said, we still got some more work to do. can i get a Amen?"

"amen, pastor."

"you better preach nie."

he leaned down, mic in hand, to the people in the pews, "because when God allows you to have more time, to see another day, you know that there is still work to be done."

a man in a brown suit ran up and down the isle calling on Jesus as women started to shout.

"he ain't through with us."

i use to cry during worship a lot and tell myself i needed to get it together. but now i see i don't ever wanna lose that feeling. i don't ever want to become numb to the awesomeness of God and his love for someone like me.

in these times i'd pray for my mother and her peace, that wherever she was, she was okay and that she knew i loved her.

i hope she knew that.