Senses Failed

16

my eyes opened, adjusting to the little light that shone through the dark room. a body laid beside me, already up, staring at the ceiling.

"bronx i-"

"it's okay shepherd." she spoke low.

my fingers dug into my palms at my stupidity, i wasn't a attention seeker, I thought i'd have enough time before they could get there.

i wasn't crazy.

i didn't need sympathy.

without looking she grabbed my hand, rubbing her thumb over my palm. "don't do that, please."

she closed her eyes.

i could tell she'd had a hard day, i was only adding more trouble.

it was unlike her to be anything but nonchalant, care free.

i laid back down, moving to give her space. she grabbed me to her, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"i don't trust you."

"im not suicidal."

"no" her warm breath hitting my neck. "but you are hurting and when you hurting you do reckless shit like what you pulled at the club and with saint."

my body stiffened, the memories from last night flooded my head. "im sorry."

"yea so are they" fear started to creep into my thoughts at what she might have done. "i don't want anyone touchin you."

"it won't happen again."

"oh, i know that." her eyes opened, the hazel ones instead of the low red ones. "because if it does you won't have to jump from the balcony, i'll throw you off the roof." her words holding a seriousness.

"i wasn't gonna jump because of that-"

"i know why, shepherd." she put her hands behind her head, letting me go. "what's wrong?"

"you care?"

she kept blinking her eyes rapidly and i still haven't figured out what that meant . "i care about you, a lot actually."

"why? it's been weeks since we talked." i muttered.

"unlike you my promises don't have expiration dates."

she sat up in different attire, grey sweatpants that were hanging below her waist and a wife-beater, exposing all of the intricate artwork that graced her arms.

"no" shrugging, i leaned against the headboard, staring at the whit door. "but my time does."

she grabbed a blunt from her table, lighting it. "shepherd i don't do dates, i don't do romance, and i don't do  long term. if i didn't care i would've slept with you by now and have you thinkin somethin that ain't, that will never be, there."

"i don't need you." biting on the inside of my cheek, I tasted blood. "your just like them." i turned to her and she wasn't looking at me. "why save me just to torture me with a life that i don't even want."

she stood  from the bed grabbing a jacket, "we can talk later."

i was trying to ask for help, my therapist said if you need help ask people and i was trying, i was trying to but no one would listen.

i hater crying but i couldn't control the hot tears of anger that streamed down my face.

"i hate you"

she stopped, hand on the door, blinking. she let go of the door, still turned around, pulled off her jacket, walking over to me.

i scouted back across the bed in fear, her eyes were low and red, again.

she pulled out her gun, my body started to shake not from fear but from a anger of my own, she placed it on the night stand hovering above me.

her hand reached behind my head, grabbing a fist full of my hair, pulling my face to hers. "don't ever say that to me"

she let me, lifting the shirt that i had on, over my head, exposing my naked body.

"you want me to be this superhero for you, shepherd."

pulling my legs to the edge of the bed.

she let out a dry laugh, "to help save you from yourself"

her hands separated my legs.

"because the others couldn't."

she stared down at me, her intense eyes, watching my face.

i tried cover my body with my hands, but she wouldn't let me.

"i see you" she told me, turning my body to her, "i see the little girl screaming for help, for protection" her fingers flickered over my vagina making me flinch. "i see the little girl someone hurt."

she leaned down her lips inches away from mine. she lightly kissed my lips and her hazel orbs were back, they were pure.

i trailed my fingers over her lips. "i see you too."

she just stared at me.

she liked everything to be perfect. she liked her room to be perfectly spotless, everything organized by style and color, her need for perfection carried over to people.

she wanted me to be perfect and i wanted her to broken.

and she knew that.

she refused to be like me because in me she'd seen a old her that was weak.

"no dates, no romance, no long term" i breathed, contemplating my decision. "ok"

having a piece of her was better then not having her at all.

she grabbed my legs, putting them over her shoulder. "no" her breath fanning my insides,  she kissed my other lips, sending a shiver down my spin and my insides pulsing with need.

surprisingly, she removed my legs, grabbed her jacket from the floor, putting it on.

"if your gonna be mine, im not gonna fuck you in a bad mental state." i couldn't help the small small that graced my face. she smirked.

"first thing we're gonna do is get you some help." she sat next to me fully dressed. "professional help, she'll be here tomorrow morning until then, here."

she handed me a black notebook with a pen attached from inside her dresser. "i want you to write everything, whatever comes to mind write it. it helps."

"how do you know"

she stood , walking over to a closet, pulling it open to see stacks of written in notebooks, lining the closet. "i wouldn't be givin ya advice if i ain't know."

she closed the door.

i nodded, "thank you."

i stood hugging her, her body stiffened. her finger lifted my chin up to look at her.

"it's not easy to be with me shepherd-"

"i know-"

"shut up" my mouth closed. "im asking you if your sure."

"why wouldn't i be?" she made me feel at home and out of place at the same time, my body no longer felt like it belonged to me when i was around her.

i was tired of being strong for other people, I wanted someone to be strong for me.

and i figured if she had this much control over me, i was already hers.

she let out a small laugh.

"your asking the devil to be a superhero to a lost soul" i was about to laugh at her analogy but her face was serious.

"your asking me to turn you into me. is that what you want?" her grip tightening on my chin, "to become my demon."

"yes"

she nodded, "okay"