dear self,
after years of denying it,
months spent trying to overcome it,
the past few weeks wanting to hide it,
today, you admitted it.
social anxiety.
that's what you have.
that's what's making your heart pound in your chest rapidly when you see a glimpse of your colossal school.
that's what's making your stomach churn, a combination of butterflies and stabbing knives making you want to turn back as you walk up the stairs.
that's what causing your throat to tighten, all dry and unable to articulate fluently further embarrassing yourself.
yes, that's it.
you kept telling yourself that it was normal. everyone went through that stage. you were just self-conscious.
not when it consumes your mind. plagues your dreams. there was definitely something not right.
the constant discomfort of all eyes on you, even when they aren't. but the fear that they're always judging you.
you want to change your appearance. you want to change your personality. you want to be accepted. you don't want to be judged.
it's like a tormenting voice in your head. your positive self diminishes increasingly as you allow the thoughts to plague you. and it's so difficult to ask for help. a simple question yet so complicated to approach. you don't want to go near anyone. touch anyone. you don't want to do anything with anyone.
just your old self back.
but it's okay.
denying it to yourself only hurt yourself even more.
targeting the issue and labelling it makes it better.
now you know the root of the problem and can focus on making it better.
even thought it's difficult, you can cope with it and eventually overcome it.
asking for help is the best thing to do. it doesn't even have to relate to it. asking a question in maths or the directions to your class is enough to suffice your social needs.
it's okay.
you're not pathetic.
you have to be patient with yourself.
slowly, your old self will come back again.
the positive, open-minded, confident person you once was.
you still are, within you.
i'm sorry, self.
i'll treat you better.
