BY REASON OF INSANITY by Edward L. Woodyard

By Reason of Insanity Chapter Forty-One

I was hyperventilating as Mara and I stood in front of the thick metal door which opened into the psychiatric ward; we waited to be recognized by a security camera and then to get buzzed in. I was exhausted from trying to avoid the gawkers outside of St. Joan of Arc, the entrance to the medical center being a convocation of media curiosity about Duke. Thankfully, I knew a back entry from the parking garage and could avoid any innocuous questions such as "how do you feel? What do you think happened?" Thoughts and feelings are not facts. I had enough questions going through my head at that moment without trying to ascertain and preempt the obvious: Duke was dead and I didn't know what happened. I couldn't provide answers to the media and more important to me right then, I couldn't provide answers to myself.

Mara was rubbing my back through my shirt, trying to get me to relax somewhat; it only made me realize that in our rush to leave the house, I had left my suit jacket on the kitchen chair. Mara looked at her cell phone and saw several texts from Phyllis and one from Willie, "Tell Dad I'm sorry." She showed me Willie's text and then she turned off her cell phone.

Through the mesh wire glass in the door, I could see Elaine and Stuart at the nurses' station with Barbara. Elaine was dressed as a banshee with long colored scarves hanging off of her while Barbara was in her nurse's uniform and Stuart wore dark blue scrubs. Also standing there was the would-be cleric in his black cassock and clerical collar.

When the security door opened, we entered to see police and medical staff in the corridor leading to Duke's room by the solarium. Barbara glared pointedly at Mara and started to approach us, when the would-be cleric stepped between us and stared blank-faced at me, "Do you attend the church of your choice?"

I chose to ignore him, seeking to find answers to more pressing questions, such as what had happened to Duke, rather than where does my soul go after I die? However, Mara chose to answer the would-be cleric, "He used to be an altar boy."

"So, he didn't earn his faith," he responded, "It was forced on him as a boy. And you're certain that he lost his faith?"

Mara was direct and adamant, "Certainty is for ministers and mathematicians. Not psychiatrists."

"That's his problem."

"What is?"

Before the would-be cleric could answer Mara, he was led away by an orderly into the activities room. "Come with me, Abelard," said the orderly to the cleric, "Heloise awaits."

Stuart and Elaine came toward us down the hallway.  Elaine hugged me. "He suffocated," she said, "He used a plastic bag."

I needed confirmation. It was too coincidental. "You're sure?"

"That's what they told me."

I needed to know for certain. It was the same method my brother had chosen to commit suicide. The how of suicide can solve a mystery as to the why of suicide.

When Mara heard Elaine, she took my arm and held it. She knew about Alan. I mumbled to her, "He wouldn't do that. He didn't do that."

I suspected that Mara needed clarification. He who? He Duke? He Alan? He Haw? However, Stuart tapped me on my shoulder as Barbara came up behind him, her hands in her uniform pockets. Stuart was almost flippant, bizarrely so in what he said, "You can't win them all, Adam. Except you won in court today."

"It doesn't matter, Stu. What the hell matters after this?! I lost him?! This didn't have to happen?!"

Stuart was calm, "If it's any consolation, he had no pain."

Barbara then matter-of-factly stated in a monotone, "All the manuals on suicide recommend suffocation by a plastic bag as the most painless and most humane. The internet reports that Duke the rock star did exactly that."

When all four of us – Mara, Elaine, Stuart and I – glowered at Barbara blank-faced, she smiled eerily and dismissed herself. We were suddenly cautious about how we would deal with her in the future.

I had heard practically the same thing about plastic bag suicide when I learned that was how my brother had died.

My reaction then was the same as my reaction now: fuck.

There was no further reason for Mara and me to stay there any longer than we had to. I needed to go back home.

Dammit, Duke.

As Stuart let Mara and me out of the ward with his security pass, we turned to say our farewells to him. "More later," he said.

Mara waved to Stuart, but her wave was caught by Barbara as she headed toward the activities room seen behind him. When Barbara waved back at Mara, Barbara pulled her hands from her front uniform pockets. She was wearing latex gloves. At the time, it didn't mean anything to Mara and me; however, it did to Stuart.