Loving Life

2. Love story

Emma should be home via school bus any second.
I'm pacing and everyone is waiting anxiously. Carter is wringing his hands together.
"I already don't like him." Carter mutters. "She's too young for boys."
"You were making out with a girl at fourteen." Mrs. Harris points out.
"I'm a guy." Carter says. "This is my daughter. She can't date until death."
Emma comes walking into the living room.
She doesn't say a word, she just stands there.
I stop pacing and look at her.
"I..." she hesitates and her backpack falls from her hands. "I HATE HIM SO MUCH!"
She bursts into sobs and bullets past me, up the stairs.
I stare after her in shock and then I look at Carter.
"Sounds familiar." He mutters.
"I'm telling her." I say, and I jog up the stairs after Emma. She slams the door and I walk right in.
"Go away." She cries.
"No." I say. I leave the door open and sit down with her and pull her into my arms.
"I-I-It's n-no fair, Mama!" she cries. "Y-You loved Daddy from the very start and I get stuck with Andrew."
"No I didn't." I say.
She pulls away to look at me, clutching a pillow to her chest.
"You didn't love Daddy?"
"Well..." I frown. "it's really complicated. It's a long story."
"Well I'm not going anywhere." She mutters.
I lean against her footboard and she sits next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and kiss her head and sigh. "I didn't care." I admit. "I thought the whole soul mate thing was stupid. I wanted nothing to do with it. I remember," I laugh softly. "You know how everyone dresses up?"
"Yes."
"I didn't. I didn't even care. I was wearing ratty old jeans and a sweater that said: reason I don't look good today. One, I don't care. Two, I have on one to impress. Three, I'm really lazy."
She laughs softly and then sniffles. "You wore that to meet Daddy?" she asks, peering up at me with her blue eyes.
"No. Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't let me out of the house. I went upstairs and put on shorts and a sweater with flowers on it. I made sure to take my time so I'd be late if they sent me back upstairs. I almost forgot the heart piece. I did, actually, and then Mom gave it to me."
She doesn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. I take a deep breath. "I walked in there like I didn't give a fuck, but really, I was nervous as hell. I walked into that gym and I was the only girl in all of the senior class dressed like that." I sigh. "Lucy was there in a pink dress and people were gaping at me. There were only two guys that weren't wearing nice clothes. Anyways, it got to time to go find Mr. Right and I hardly even looked. Ryan's heart almost fit, actually, but not quite. Lucy's piece are really close with mine so that's why his almost fit.
It came down to like four more people and..." I laugh softly at the memory. "I was looking around that the guys and your father walked up to me and he grabbed my piece and they connected. I didn't look up at him until then. He was staring right into my eyes, and you know what he said?" I ask.
"What did he say?" she whispers.
"He said 'it seems we are going to fall in love, Cinnamon."'
"That's so cute." She whispers.
"I didn't think so." I admit. "I was livid. I'd always hated him. I was so angry. I hated the world. I was angry at fate. I kept telling him I hated him. I was boxing a lot. I was acting out again. It was just...it was bad. We went to the beach with the school and the pieces of our hearts fell into the ocean. I remember your father diving down after them and he didn't come back for almost a minute. I panicked and he came up with the pieces and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I thought he drowned and he said he was sorry. I wanted to hug him but I wouldn't because I didn't want to fall in love with him. I wasn't going to let fate win."
"Wow." She whispers. "Keep going! I wanna hear all of it! I want to find out why you hated him."
I laugh softly. "The next day Daddy and I, and Lucy, and Ryan went to the mall and Lucy and Ryan were already dating and in love and they ran off to go shopping and ditched me and Carter at the food court. I was faking being a nerd because I was-"
"You were the bad girl. I know. I know that story."
"I was jealous because he had what I wanted." I shrug. "I asked which me is more attractive and he said both. I asked which one he favored and I said both. I got irritated and asked if there was one he liked more. he said he liked the real me. We were all quiet and then he asked why I hated him. I told him the truth. I explained my parents didn't like the real me because I was out of control. I told him that I hated him because he had everything I wanted." She nods rapidly, waiting for me to continue. "He said that he didn't think we were ever gonna fall in love. I agreed and we both had kissed someone else before and we decided to kiss just to compare. Lucy interrupted us. we ended up going hoe and it started to storm. Carter went upstairs with me and I told him that if we kissed and it felt different, I would tell him anything he wanted to know. His lips hardly touched mine but..." I hesitate.
"What did it feel like?" Emma asks. "Tell me, Mama, tell me!"
"I remember a zap, but...it didn't hurt. Right when our lips touched, heat spread through my entire body and it felt really good. We kissed again and we didn't pull away."
"Did you guys have sex? This is a cute story but I don't want to hear the details."
I laugh loudly. "No, and I wouldn't tell you that anyways."
"At least tell me where it happened though." She says.
"When I get to that part, I will." I promise her. "I pulled away though. He questioned me until eight fifty. I stayed up till three because I couldn't stop thinking of him. The next day I was really pissy and I was snapping at everyone. I made Carter mad and he said he was googling if his heart was wrong." I sigh. "Lucy got on my case and went off. She told me I was going to fall in love with him and that there was no way around it. I met Rachel later that day in third period. Three days later on Monday Carter told me has had sex with some girl and I was heartbroken. I didn't care about him but we were supposed to be together. I wanted to be first. I ran off to my secret hiding spot and I cried myself to sleep." I think for a second. "Your father doesn't even know I cried myself to sleep about that."
"He doesn't? Why don't you tell him?" she asks.
"He'd probably be upset." I admit.
"What happened when you got home, Mama?"
"Well," I say softly, using the same gentle tone that I've been using the whole time. "He said he lied. He didn't have sex with some girl. He lied to see if I cared about him the way he does for me. Grandpa asked how he cared about me. He said he was in love with me."
"Really?" she asks. "Were you still in the room? Did you say it back?" she sits up to look at me.
"No. I ran up to my room, but I was listening." I admit. "Anyways, Mom said 'you love her?' and Carter said, "yes, I am already head over heels in love with your daughter and she...she can't stand the thought of me. What do I do?" I hesitate. "Everyone was all quiet and I remember I was crying with my forehead pressed against my door. Lucy broke the silence. I still remember exactly what she told him. She said "She'll fall. I know Roxy better than anyone in the entire world. She's going to be stubborn and she's going to try to push you away. Just keep persisting. Don't give up on her. Show her you love her. She'll start to crack. When she shell breaks, she'll fall for you, and she'll fall hard."
"Did Daddy listen? Did he keep persisting?"
"Yes. Two weeks later I was on my period and I told Lucy and she told Carter and he got me snickers."
"He got you cholcoate? That's so cute."
I nod. "I was mad. I remember thinking 'that hot asshole.'"
"You hated him but you thought he was hot?" she asks.
"You hate Harry Styles, right?"
"Yeah."
"But you think he's hot?" I ask.
"Good point." She smiles.
"I was so mad at him for bringing me chocolate. We got into a fight in the hallway about it and he put it in my backpack. I went home and I was staring at the bag and I ate every single piece of it, which your Daddy still doesn't know." I smile. "And I threw the wrappers and the bag in the paper shredder."
She laughs out loud. "Then what?"
"Well my eighteenth birthday was the next day. I went to school late. Me and Carter were the only two seniors that were single." I laugh at the thought. "Anyways, Uncle Kyle told Carter when I was coming and he blocked my locker and refused to move until I hugged him. I told him to get out of the way and he wouldn't listen. I said "you have five seconds" and he said "let's count together."
Me and Emma laugh.
"I said fine and he asked if I said fine to hug him or fine to count. I told him to get the fuck out of my way and he said make me, so I started to pull him and he said it was the most I'd ever touched him. I was begging him to move but he wouldn't and then he said I'd have to kiss him on the lips. I shot forward and pushed his shoulder hard and he moved and then picked me up and stood me in front of him, and he said that wasn't very nice, but there was something about his tone...it was soft and gentle and sweet. He knew the affect he had-still has on me. I wanted to give in but I was refusing. I was being a bitch and I told him that I didn't love him. I told him I never would, and that I hated him, and then I told him to get the fuck out of my way. I still remember the look in his eyes...so...hurt...broken. I felt horrible but I wouldn't give in. He said, and this is word for word, he said 'I don't believe you. Your eyes and the puzzle that is our hearts tells me you are lying. Like it or not, our hearts are about to collide, and there is nothing you can do about it. I love you, and that's just something you're going to have to deal with." I take a deep breath. "All I said was move. He said no. he said I love you and that he knew I don't hate him. I told him to move again, but he didn't. We were having a stare down. I know what got me to fall! I never could quite figure it out, but it just clicked!"
Emma sits up, excited.
"It was his eyes. They're brown, but...they're not cinnamon like mine, but not chocolate. They were watered down fudge, or murky water. There are flakes of gold in them and it was...I don't know, but just like that, I fell, and like Lucy said, I fell hard. I got him to leave and we ditched school. I was going to take him to my secret spot but he thought it was a trick. We kissed again and we went to the spot and he kept talking about me showing him my boobs." I smirk. "I flashed him and he shut right up."
She laughs loudly. "Anyways, I covered myself and he grabbed me and we started to kiss, but we fell off the cliff."
She gasps. "What? No. You're lying."
"Nope. I'm dead serious. If you don't believe me, you can ask Daddy."
"No, I believe you! Keep going!"
"I remember thinking we were gonna die, and that just as I realized I loved him, we were done for. We were fine though. On Monday at school, Carter told Ryan how I showed him my boobs and it spread. I went back to treating him the same."
"When are you going to fall in love? Mom, your stubbornness is really irritating."
I laugh. "Soon honey, soon. Patience."
She huffs.
"Later that day Carte was blocking my locker and some bitch called me a slut. I broke her nose for the second time and Uncle Kyle stopped me. Mom and I got in a huge fight because I hit the girl again. I ran off. I went back to the hiding spot and I was singing Disney songs and Carter and Lucy and Ryan came and sang with me and then they said my parents and Kyle were coming so we hid in the caves. We ended up coming back out and my parents were fighting and talking about divorce so I jumped off the edge so they would think I killed myself. I hid in an underground cave and Carter lost it. He was a sobbing mess, which is what happens with the whole heart thing. I could feel his pain and I went back to the top and I calmed him down. When he was calm, I told him I loved him. I flew off to Maine without him for spring break and it was bad because right when we got a hundred miles apart, it hurt so bad. So, so bad." I flinch at the thought. "We both lost it and I was talking about killing ourselves and my grandma got us to go home. We didn't even have service. We got back together and we were fine. The a few days later there was a fire in third period. We were all running out but Me and Rachel were going nuts. I got in the burning building because the firemen never got Carter and I found him and two others and I got them out. I was in the hospital for a week. I died seven or eight times. That's-"
She gasps. "That's how you got asthma?" she asks.
I nod.
"But you can't breathe well. Wouldn't you want your old lungs back?"
"No. I don't regret it. I'm okay with asthma. I got Carter back. That's all that matters."
"When did you guys have sex?" she asks.
"We went to the caves when I got out of the hospital." I sigh. "It just happened."
"You guys had sex in a cave?"
I shrug and nod. "Anyways, the point of this story is I hated your father. I did, but now look. We're married with four kids. We're in love. I know you don't like him, but you really have no choice. You'll love him soon enough."
"It's inevitable?" she asks.
"Yes."
"But I don't want him."
"I didn't want your father." I point out, standing up. We've been up here for an hour and everyone downstairs is silent, still listening.
She huffs and follows me downstairs. "But it's not fair." She whines.
"You say that now." I reply. "I regret those months of me trying to avoid your Dad."
"Why?" she asks.
"Because forever is never long enough." I shrug.
"I have a question." Emma says. I look at her. "If you could reverse the positions so you were the one stuck in the fire, would you do it?"
I look at Carter, thinking hard.
"That is a very good question." I smile a bit.
I would have to go through the burns and the smoke inhalation and being terrified and stuck in a bathroom...
But Carter would be the one with the asthma, and I don't want anyone to deal with that.
"No." I decide. "I wouldn't."
"Why?" she asks.
"Because then he would have asthma."
"Well I would." Carter says, walking over to me. "So you ate every piece?" he smirks. "I knew you would.
I hit his arm playfully. "You're an asshole."
"A hot asshole." He smirks.
"I hate you." I snap.
"No you don't, Cinnamon. You don't."
"I do." I insist. He laughs and kisses me.
"If you did, that heat that just ran through your body wouldn't exist." He whispers. "Yes you love me."
I give him. "Fine. I love you."
He grins and kisses me again, only for a second before he pulls away, peering right into my eyes. "You cried yourself to sleep, alone, in a dark cave? All because of me?" he looks like he's really upset. I cup his cheeks.
"What was over fifteen years ago." I whisper. "It's overwith."
He studies my eyes for a long time. "But it still happened."
"Yeah, seventeen years ago." I reply.
Justin and Macy come in the door, Justin holding Macy's hand. All the kids ride the bus.
"How was school?" I ask.
"Did you pass your math test?" Carter demands.
My parenting is different than Carter. Carter is strict and the kids fear him when it comes to school. I'm laid back and I calm Carter down, but if they act out, I'm on their ass and Carter is calming me down.
Justin gulps. "I need to use the bathroom!"
He starts to run for the stairs but he's not falling for his games.
He shoots forward and captures his backpack.
He sighs and turns around to face him.
"Let me see your bag and then you can go try and find a hiding spot for your test." Carter says.
He gulps and hands him his backpack, but he doesn't go upstairs, he stays here and stares at him with wide eyes.
He has an F in math right now.
"Dad." Justin says. "I tried my best."
He pulls out his math folder and checks for his test.
It's not there.
Sighing, Carter sits down on the floor and dumps his bag. He checks the crumpled papers and the pockets and every single spot in that bag and every object that was previously in the bag and he doesn't find the test.
"Did you throw it away in the school garbage?" he asks.
"No." he gulps.
"Empty your pockets."
He stares at him, shocked.
"How'd you know?" he grumbles, handing the test to him.
"I've been there bud, done that, mastered it, and got the trophy. Right Mom?" Carter asks.
"Yes." She chuckles.
He backs up towards the stairs as Carter unfolds the test.
"I tried my hardest!" he says.
"You got a fifty nine." He says through clenched teeth.
"It's almost a sixty!" Justin says.
"Don't you dare try and run off." Carter stands up. "Did you even study?"
"Yes! I studied with Mom last night, right Mom?" Justin gives me a pleading look.
Carter looks at me.
He sure as hell didn't study with me last night...
I'm not going to lie.
"No." I say.
Carter looks back at Justin. "Not only did you not study, but you failed and then you lied." Carter clenches his fists
"I'm sorry!"
Normally when the tears start, I bud in. Emma doesn't ever cry, she just yells right back at him. It's Matthew, Justin, and Macy that cry.
"You're grounded until...death." Carter says.
He starts crying then, sobbing, actually.
"Oh come on!" I cut in.
"Not now." Carter says.
"He's not grounded." I cross my arms.
He turns his wrath on me. The kids get scared but I just scream right back till I get what I want. I always win.
"Yes he is." He says.
"It's two days before the end of the school year. They're excited because they're going on their first tour. They normally have to spend the summer at my parents doing nothing. They get to tour the world with us." I cross my arms stubbornly. "Lighten up."
"Come here." He says, and he walks off. The back door slams.
I stare after him and then give in and head after him.
He's out on the deck.
I shut the door and just stand there.
"If you keep protecting them, they're going to think that they're going to be able to get away with whatever the hell they want."
He's right, of course.
"Life though? When you tell a nine year old that, he believes you."
"Your right. I'm sorry. You can't keep defending them."
"I know." I grumble.
"Now what are we going to do about the distance that will be between Emma and that kid?"