Loving Life

4. Done

Three weeks later and we're in Florida and I've sunk into a depression. Nobody is asking questions, but they're all concerned.
I've not been sleeping well.
We've just gotten back from a concert. The kids are always in the bus now because they're afraid of getting lost.
I want to go be alone and just hide away from everyone, away from the world, away from the fans and the fame.
"Alright." Carter says. "What's wrong?"
"What?" I ask innocently. "Nothing."
"You're lying. We've been together eighteen years. What's wrong?"
This is his dream. Don't crush it.
"If you want to quit the band, just say it." Lucy says. "I will. I want to quit the band." Silence.
I sigh. "I really don't want to talk about this."
"Do you want to quit?" Carter asks.
This is his dream.
"Roxy." Carter says.
I don't answer him.
"Please tell me what's wrong."
"I want to quit." I admit. "I can't be a mother if I'm never there. We eat out almost every night because we're never home. We miss game and competitions and we can't help the kids study. We can't tuck them in. I've never, not once picked them up from school! I hate it! I hate not being able to be a mother!"
I go and climb into me and Carter's bunk and yank the curtain shut and burrow into the covers and hide.
"I feel the same." Rachel admits. "I can't even be a Mom anymore."
I know Carter isn't going to let me hide.
My thoughts are confirmed when Carter pulls the curtain open. Tears are streaming down my cheeks but I won't look at him. I scoot further into the covers.
"Go away." I sniffle.
"Not gonna happen." He says. "Look at me."
"No. Fuck off."
He laughs softly.
"You have five seconds." He says.
"Let's count together." I mumble.
He laughs loudly. "Please?" he asks.
"No."
"Please?" he asks again.
"No."
He sighs. "What's stopping you?"
I don't answer him.
"Cinnamon." He says. I peek one eye out of the blanket. His arms are resting on the edge of the bunk and his chin is on his hands.
"Nothing." I sniffle and hide myself again.
"You're lying." He sighs.
"No I'm not." I mumble.
We're driving again. He sighs heavily.
"Devin!" he hollers. "Can we stop somewhere for a bit? I need to talk to Roxy alone!"
"Sure thing!" Devin calls.
"I don't want to go somewhere." I moan.
"Well too bad." Carter says.
"No. Go away!"
The bus stops.
He doesn't even wait for me to get up, he just reaches in and scoops me, blankets covering me and all, into his arms.
"Put me down!" I groan.
"We'll be back. Can you guys watch-"
"We got the kids." Bruce says.
"Carter James Harris! Put me down!"
He ignores me and exits the bus. He walks for a bit before carefully untangling me from the blankets and setting me on my bare feet.
"I'm going back to bed."
I turn to walk away.
"Is it because I said that being famous was my dream?" he asks.
I stop walking and turn to face him.
I don't say anything. I don't need to. He knows that he's right.
He sighs and walks over to me, brushing away my tears. "Was." He whispers. "I've already lived that dream. We're rich, honey. We don't need work. Now I just want to be the perfect husband and father."
I chin starts to tremble and I start crying. "You already are the perfect husband."
"I don't want to be famous. I want to go home." he pulls me into his arms. We stand there like that for god knows how long before we head back to the bus. I take the blankets from him with every intention into/ going back into bed.
"Wait." Lucy says.
"We're done." Carter says. "No more bands. It's time we became actual parents."
"That means you can see me skate?" Justin asks.
"And you'll come to soccer games?" Emma asks.
"And you'll practice basketball with me?" Justin asks.
"And Mommy can take me to gymnastics?" Macy asks.
They start shooting questions at us.
"And we can stop having pizza every night?"
"And you'll actually tuck us in?"
"Do I still have to take the bus?"
"Can we move out of LA?" Emma demands.
"Oh yeah, can we?" Matthew asks.
"Please?" Justin cuts in.
"I want four seasons!" Macy squeals. "Please? I hate California!"
I look at Andrew.
"That's something we'll have to talk about." I say. "Can I go to bed now?"
"No." Emma says. "Can we get a dog since we'll be home?"
"Will you take me to the skate park?" Justin asks.
"Can I join girl scouts?" Macy questions.
"Yes and yes. Can I go to bed now?"
"Are you going to take me to soccer practice?" Emma asks.
"And gymnastics?" Macy demands
"And you have to come to PTA at my school." Emma adds.
"And what about basketball?" Matthew adds.
"And skating?" Justin frowns.
"Okay!" I say loudly. "I'm going to bed."
"Wait." Bruce says. "It's meeting time."
I moan loudly. "I want to go to bed! I'm stressed out and I'm tired!"
"After the meeting." He says.
"After I put the kids to bed." I cut in.
"I have to go to bed?" Matthew whines. I look at the clock and nod. It's midnight.
"Yes."
"Me too?" Emma asks.
"No."
Macy, Justin, and Matthew get in bed and I sit down on Carter's lap.
"I'm quitting too." Lucy says after putting Abby to bed.
"And wherever Carter and Roxy go, we will too."
"Same." Rachel says.
"Ditto." Cody mumbles.
"So this is it then?" Bruce asks.
We don't say anything.
I didn't realize how close we were to breaking point.
"Thank god." He sighs. "I was seriously considering quitting."
"My only problem is music." Carter speaks up. "I love it. I love singing with you guys."
"You guys could still make albums and you could do little concerts here and there. We can plan ahead of time so we don't have any sports that day. You can still be famous." Bruce says. I'll be your manager, but I won't be annoying. We all can move where you guys do."
"Just no talk shows." I say. "And I get to be home."
"Yeah. I'm good with that plan." Lucy agrees.
Everyone nods in agreement.
"Are you done with the tour?" Cody asks hopefully.
"God, I hope so." I mutter.
Everyone agrees, and then Bruce says, "Head to Roxy's Mom's." he says.
Whenever we finish a tour, we go see my parents.
I drift off to sleep on Carter's lap.