OMG...I HA♡TE YOU!

Trying to Turn it 'OFF'

My name is Off Jumpol. I have been an actor for years now and I have never had any issues with any of my on screen partner nor any of my co-actor, well except to some who had issues with me by theirselves ofcourse, until I've met Gun Attaphan - my first leading man in my first ever BL project.

At first, I didn't really want to do the project because I'd have to be paired up with a guy but back then I can't really afford to say no to my manager after causing her too much trouble before and besides I got intrigued by the actor she have praised so much to the point that it was almost like she have said right on my face that I in all honesty do not deserve to be paired up with.

This is Gun :

Gun is an amazing actor and I respect him a lot particularly his professionalism as he always shows respect to every part of the project from the crews to our fellow actors and despite of all the pressure and stress around our work, you can almost never see him dispirited nor see him look tired well that is unless you see him sleeping. 

Incidentally, I also acknowledge that he look way too cute not because he is short and all but more like because he has so many similarities to those adorable bewitching puppies.

I really do like him a lot as a person but I cannot deny the fact that I have personal issues with him...

His sweetness, "skinship" or touchiness and his unending need for attention sometimes causes me too much stress, anxiety and discomfort although I admit I usually cannot help but give in to his pleas, I still try to make him be the one to follow to what I want but he is way more persistent than me so at the end I'll have no choice but to give up and do as he says.

Our first project together was Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey where he portrayed as Rome who had feelings with my character, Pick who also had feelings for his character but was in denial as he cannot accept that he liked a guy. The fans surprisingly loved us a lot from there and afterwards it lead us to tons of projects as a pair from endorsements, photo-shoots for magazines, tv and other live event shows, the Puppy Honey show even had additional season, we were also able to have our own T.V. show aside from getting new more projects as a couple again.

Basically as we became loved as a pair, fans always want to see us together and because of that we had to spend plenty of our time together as well as sleep together in one room for every out of town / country show we had done which resulted to us to get really close with each other that we started to both forgot to put gaps in between our fan-service acts as pair and our real life acts as normal friends. Like during early times he will only initiate to do skinship or sweetness towards me whenever there are fans around us until it became his usual habit to stick around with me so close to the point that it already looks like he enjoys invading my personal space like how he barge into my house at any time and any day he wants to. It also started from simply holding hands or somewhere that is comfortable to touch to excessive full body contacts like hugging from the back, neck waist or anywhere he likes and did I mention that he also started kissing me randomly anywhere but my lips of course.

With all the sincerity I have in my self, I swear that I do not have any complain with us being close friends or being too clingy with each other however I cannot help but feel a bit sad whenever he acts different from the usual acts he do like in particular he will not join our friends night out if I just do not want to or if I feel too tired to go out but he will accompany me all night either by both of us having our own space and world in my room or we will either do something like watching or playing together.

Well, I am a bit of an introvert type of person who tends to enjoy more time alone or with the few people that I feel really comfortable with and Gun is one of them. Strangely, if Gun is around his presence alone makes me feel okay with others I am not even familiar with or those who I won't even be able to start any conversation with but the after effect is I have already became too dependent with Gun's presence that I feel somehow uneasy with spending time with others even with our other close friends without him near us.

Our closeness have also caused us some issues like how our other friends love to tease us by referring to the two of us as a "one plus one package" or more like a "buy 1 take 1 item" that means that we can never be separated already or that it have already became impossible for one of us to be present without the other one. Even during our solo work, we still stick with each other as we usually visit each other's work location and there are even times that we have each made a surprise appearance to each other's show but whenever one of us cannot be available for each other during special events it tends to be a big deal with our fans and even with our colleagues as they will also not forget to tease us by making up stories like us having lover's quarrel and so on and so forth. 

I am genuinely happy for being able to meet Gun Attaphan and that he became a big part of my life but the sad part is I have became too dependent of him that I feel like I have been lost in space or been thrown out somewhere after suddenly realizing that he have already changed from the one who treasures and prioritizes me well to the one who makes me feel like I have only become an option. I can't do anything about it as he clearly still treats me nice but it's just that he have already started to enjoy other's company more than mine that we started to also have less and less time spent with just the two of us which also made us talk less about our own rants or stories. There's a time where I joked about how he is doing fine without me by his side as he already have so many friends to fill in for me trying to get him notice that I am a bit sulking already but he just laughed it out and hugged me but did not say anything at all.

It hurts me so much that we already had a gap between us but he also have a life on his own and I cannot really just tie and lock him up inside an enclosed room to be with me always so I should not be mad at him at all while in the first place I have actually known him as an outgoing type of person so I really have no choice but let him be himself. I should just think this will also be for my own benefit as I will have to learn to not be dependent with him again and to start to open up a bit with my other friends that I have kind of neglected during those times that I have been busy with him.

I should mature up and move on with life but this time I think, I have to turn my heart off for the mean time to stop being too attached to any one so I can protect it from being broken again. I didn't know or rather I should have known better that even just pure friendship causes heartaches as well that I should have been careful and guarded my self well to avoid this heartbreaking event in the first place.

"Sawasdee krap, my dear friend, Nong Gun."

is what I said to my self months ago thinking that the feelings of hurt will either heal or leave as time passes by.