GLASS WORKS

It's okay to be not okay, sometimes

Growing up, I just really had a tough time trying to look at myself from other people’s eyes. I was forced into thinking that I’m flawed and I was but not in the way I perceived.How I wish the world could see me through my eyes. Things were complicated and I cried all by myself. I couldn’t complain and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. That’s what fear does to us, it holds us back and it stops us from being the kind of person we want to be.

In all honesty, every time l look back to those moments, I don’t feel sad or nostalgic or bad for that matter but I just can’t stop feeling like there’s an empty hole in my past. A blank space; an erased memory, it’s like there’s some room for me to think about all the possibilities, all the different roads that I could have taken. Do I regret making the choices that I made? No. But it’s just a thought. 

My castle’s still incomplete because I’m still learning to put the bricks people threw at me together. But I’ve built my barriers and my guard is up, I’m unafraid. I’ve always had this energy within me, I don’t know if I could call it rage or aggression but there’s a lot of energy and I’ve always struggled to keep it together. I’ve battled to channel all those negative emotions into something fruitful and positive. It’s hard to fight fire with water but I’m still trying.

Now, here’s the thing, when we’re growing up we are fed with ridiculously outrageous ideas about victory and death. We’re told that the rich, the powerful and mighty always get their way while the poor, feeble and downtrodden get left behind in this rat race. One man’s dreams get crushed beneath the foot of the other. One falls on top of the other and even those who never frown eventually breakdown. Interesting story isn’t it? The point is, that we’re all fighting to get the upper hand but more importantly we’re here in this battle field to shove the opposition six feet under. We are here to tear each other apart. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Then don’t complain when you’re on the losing team. Don’t complain when you can’t find your identity because it’s already taken. Don’t complain when you’re pushed down. Just wait, wiat till the upper hand is yours.

Now I was just like everyone else. Minding my own business and doing my own thing. Believe me I was just like you, trying to feel like I hadn’t been stepped on-trying to feel like I hadn’t been exploited. And there were too many times when people crossed their lines trying to take away what was mine. I’ve been through every hurdle you’ve been through and trust me; I’m still dealing with the aftereffects. It doesn’t get better, only worse sweetheart, only worse. But you’ll get used to depending on yourself, you’ll get used to feeling alone.

I was sick of the hunger, sick of the tension, sick of people acting like I owed them everything I ever had. I was done, through. I’d had it; I wasn’t going to quietly accept what I was offered anymore. I was time’s fool. I lost. Don’t repeat the same mistakes. Don’t.

You can’t disrespect the people who try to hold on to you because of people who let you go. You can’t test them, they don’t deserve it. Don’t make them pay for someone else’s sins. I tend to get a bit too emotional and get off track very often now, don’t I?

So you see, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy from you, I’m just telling you that you’re not the only one who’s going through whatever it is that you’re going through. We’ve all been through the same hell and we all came back. Everybody survives.
~Eraj