The thoughts I feel

I tried

I tried
I tried
I tried
I tried to be a good person,
I tried to be kind and loving,
I wanted to be a friend, someone you can trust, someone you care about,
I tried and I tried and I tried.
But anything I do backlashes at me,
If I'm kind and loving to someone,
Or if I'm being rude and disrespectful,
No matter what I do, it always haunts me down, tortures me, hurts me.

Tried to be someone you could love,
Someone you could trust,
Someone who would offer you a shoulder to cry on,
I tried to be kind and loving,
I tried to be likable and sociable,
I tried so hard.
But I am a fraud,
For the blind can't see,
The deaf can't hear,
And those without a heart can't love.

I tried to fit in and be okay,
I told myself I had to be okay, it was the only acceptable thing.
Maybe it is, maybe being okay is all society will accept,
But damn, that won't bring me any closer to being okay.
I pretend to be okay all day long,
Smiling and swallowing down the lump in my throat.
I could win an Oscar for my performance of pretending to be okay.
I really really tried to be okay, to be normal, to fit in, to be kind and loving, to respectable and acceptable.
I tried to be what society wanted me to be,
In hope it bring me joy and contentment,
In hope it would make me feel complete and fill the empty pit in my stomach.
I hoped, I wished it would help me sleep at night and make the tears in my eyes vanish.

I tried
I tried
I tried
I tried to be good, I really did.
I really wanted it all to go away,
The self loathing, the anger, the fear, the agony,
I wanted to feel happy and alive.
I wanted to sleep at night and not feel tired.
I really tried to make it better.

But a fraud stays a fraud.
As a cold hearted person can never love.

And damn, I thought if I really tried it would all be okay.
But what's the point?
What's the point of living if you know that it won't be better,
That no matter what you do or how hard you try,
You will never be happy?
That you will always be trapped in a body aching with agony,
A mind full of voices screaming at you,
A mind and soul where your brain is Always at battle with your heart.

Yeah that's right, that's my reality,
That's the way I feel the world,
Experience life.
That's how I live,
Every single day.

I tried
I tried
I tried
I tried to be okay,
But maybe I should have tried to kill myself harder.