I was supposed to forget him. I was supposed to pretend that I never met him. I was supposed to go a different path from his and act like we didn't know each other. Like we didn't know each other's insecurities and triggers, what made us happy and angry. I was supposed to pretend he didn't see me crying that tragic night. I was only there because I wanted closure and I felt so fucking guilty just leaving with no explanation. But instead of letting me leave and pretend like we didn't know a single fucking detail about each other, I got a "please, let's be friends, I don't want something so beautiful go to waste because of something as trivial as timing." But that's the thing, it's not just timing, it's not because I just want to give up, because I don't, trust me. I don't. But anyone with the right set of mind knows that there's no fucking way you can remain "just friends" with someone you love. Someone you have shared kisses with, someone you explained your biggest fears to and unlike everyone else, he understood, he had the same demons as you. And don't try to tell me "but it's possible!" because it's not, because if it was then why, oh just please tell me why I'm writing this literally the day after I spent the last few hours of the night running my fingers through his soft hair. Breathing in his cologne because he somehow manages to smell so fucking amazing even after working all damn day washing dishes and cleaning the mess that the cooks make, his smell, it's something I want engraved in my fucking soul because every time I smell him, it resolves my problems and feeling him relax in my arms helps me relax. I want to baby him, because even though he's so much older than me, he needs to pause, and get cuddled up and have his head on my chest while I play with his hair and feel the goosebumps that rise on the back of his neck. God, what is wrong with me. I keep thinking this man, this beautiful fucking creature, might actually love me as much as I love him, I keep pointing out what he does that may prove that maybe just maybe he does, but I know he doesn't. I keep trying to lie to myself, but the truth is that he doesn't love me, he cares for me, or maybe he just loves the fact that I'm always following him around like a lost little puppy, like a "rogona" because that's what I am with him, I'm a fucking beggar, begging and craving for his love and affection even though I know so damn well that he's cold and he doesn't show any of the emotions I want from him. But then why did he say what he said that night? Did he want me to feel this pain I feel? Because even last night when I had him in my arms I kept thinking:
"I'm not supposed to be doing this, this isn't supposed to be happening, we're not supposed to be here, not in this situation, how am I going to get over you?"
But this time it wasn't my fault, he followed me behind the building, sat on the barrel next to mine and placed his head on my lap, I tried to stop myself, I did, I promise I did. But his hair has always been so fucking soft, it's softer than mine, it feels like clouds every time I touch it, and god, it was right there, tempting me as he rested on my legs. And I couldn't stop myself, I played with his hair as he napped on my legs for 20 minutes or so.
I promise you that those 20 minutes was the best thing that had happened to me in the past 2 weeks. Especially seeing how he has been the best thing that has happened to me in the short 17.5 years of my life.
I know what you'll say, I'm too young, I don't even know the definition of love yet, but do any of you actually know it? Because we all have different definitions and I'm telling you right now, he is my definition. You could be a 50 year old virgin for all I know because your definition of love hasn't been met yet, or you could be 5 years old so deeply in love with the boy next door who shares his toys with you. WE DON'T KNOW THE DEFINITION OF LOVE. For it's something that even science can't explain or define. Love, it's like god and angels and demons all at once because there's still those skeptical fuckers who don't believe in it, they think it's just something that people made up to try to define their feelings or to try to make our purpose as humans more romantic. Our purpose being reproduction. But then there's some of us who actually believe in this shit because we have these fantasies we want to complete and we still believe in unicorns and rainbows because we need something to believe in. because love, just like Santa Claus, bring gifts and happiness, but what they don't tell you is that it brings coal in your stockings as well. Or maybe my friend was right when he told me, "love, it exists alright, but I promise you it's a one way street. There will always be someone who feels a little bit more feelings than the other." Because if he's wrong, then why don't you love me?
But maybe you do and I'm so blinded by my own pain that I can't see it.
Because why else did you send me that text that night? Why did you say what you said? Why did you tell me:
"Look, you may not even have the energy or be in the mood to see this message at this time and most likely, you won't even talk to me again and I understand it, you have every right and I will respect whatever you decide but I also want you to think about what we were talking about and let me teach you to see the life from another perspective from how you're used to seeing, I really am very sorry for what you must be feeling, if I'm sincere it hurt me to see you go like that tonight, but I can't let everything end badly and that is the reason for this message, I can't afford to let you go through something very complicated and I know that you understand and know that yourself, you and I are very different people and we think differently, you think that when something ends there is no way out and I think otherwise; I am very sorry to have made you tear your eyes, I am very sorry to have made you feel something so ugly I hope one day you'll forgive me, I have come to care for you so much even though you probably think the opposite of me but it's fine that's something that always happens with me but at the same time that doesn't take away the fact that I really care about you and although perhaps because of these so entangled moments in which we're in, we're not working well, but maybe with time if you, I don't know, you never know but life is very unpredictable but someday we might work out, but of course only if you decide to keep talking to me and if not, then I'll understand, I'm sorry! I love you, you can always talk about the subject or whatever you want with me, I will be here for you always maybe with time things will be as we want, whatever you decide, I will always be here; please rest and have a goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow!"
Why'd you do that? And we just pretended we didn't share our every emotion to each other the next day? We just went on with our day as we usually did when we were dating? But without the kissing or hugging of course. God, this is so much worse than pretending to be strangers, I have all these emotions, and yet, I have none. I don't know what to do here, it's too painful to not kiss you or touch you the way i used to but i need you.
You're my sanity.
