WHAT THE F*&^ is wrong with us?! [It'll Be Okay. And You Will Be Too.]

WHAT THE F*&^ is wrong with us?!

Something feels wrong. Something is gravely amiss deep down ... and it's so subtle. But there's this gaping hole I don't know how to fix... 

And I can't blame anyone. And I can't blame anything. That's the worst part. That, and the deep sense of disconnection. There's just me right now. And I feel so alone but I don't know how to fix it. And I feel this deep sense of dissatisfaction with where I'm at in life and this deep pit of frustration that I don't know how to address.

What I want above all things is to feel whole again on the deepest level. To feel like I actually have a direction and I know what I'm doing and I'm satisfied with it. Instead I feel this gaping hole that I keep trying to fix and it's just not happening.

There's so much wrong with the world... but I feel it on a personal level. Like we're all just in our little bubbles of self obsession and disconnection. We're all just sending 'reactions' to things other people 'share'...or even worse, receiving them. Or even worse, neither. No one's contacting us at all. But is it worse?

We're not really sharing anything. Or are we? Just pieces of our soul that we sell to the internet which it sells to some third party company who gets rich on conglomerating more and more and more data about us.

And I don't know how to turn any of it into a compelling story... other than to say I have this yearning I can't shake and I don't know even know what it's for anymore. And this deep sense of missing all the people in my life - the ones who are still here and the ones that have left us. I miss Grandpa. I wish Lorretta didn't die. I miss Ray and I wish I got to see him before he passed away. And I'm really really sad about that. And I don't know how to say it.

And I can feel that so many people close to me are hurting and yet I feel so distant from them, I don't even know where to begin to reconnect. It's overwhelming. And I keep trying to turn it into some story that I can sell in some hopes of reconnecting with everyone and and making the money I need to make to survive. Sort of a kill many birds with one stone type of thing. Or that's what I thought. And yet... here I am. Paralyzed by the nightmare that is the constant looping of regression we can't seem to escape as a race: the human race.

The entire human race - so encumbered in hatred and killing each other and killing the earth. And all I want is peace and freedom and love. Sounds so cliche it's painfully cringey... but! Isn't that all anybody wants? Given that.... you're fed and you can shower and sleep with a roof over your head in a comfortable bed... after those necessities; isn't that all anybody wants? Why are we fighting? Why are we constantly holding each other back? Endlessly trying to control one another? Greedy to the extent of causing innocent people endless pain?

Why are we like that? By 'we', I mean the human race. Because make no mistake - there's no race, creed, colour, religion, gender or sexual orientation that's immune to assholes. We're all assholes and we're all saints. YOUR group - whatever it may be - isn't special. If only it were that simple. Imagine every asshole in the world was born green? Wouldn't that be easy? "Oh! There's another green kid! Let's get them into therapy ASAP so they don't start bullying the other kids!" But there is no inferior or superior TYPE of people, people! We're all fucked and we're all equally capable of un-fucking ourselves and being part of the solution! Accept it!

How am I supposed to turn all of these swirling thoughts and ideas and lack of focus into something that changes the world? How am I supposed to do that? How does anyone make anything that matters to anyone in the sea of random thoughts and ideas and platforms and mediums through which we now communicate? With the entire world?

Speaking of the world... How can we make the world stop hurting each other for long enough to look up, and see outside of their own experience? And see the pain they're causing other people? And see how needless it is?