Musings of a Dove

Cynicism

Here I am wondering through hallways in my mind, opening doors of my own creation, looking to find Hope again or maybe hoping it was the last time...

I have a habit of allowing myself to fall... to fall down, to fall in love, to fall short of who I want to be. Not having the excuse of inexperience or naiveté , I have no one but myself to blame when I eventually and inevitably also fall into despair.

"Why try again? "

"It always ends the same" 

 "It can't be better ...you know this"

"The world is broken".

These statements are like shields. I often find myself tempted to reach for them when my insides are aching and there's a knot in my throat and dread is inflamed at the prospect of having to pick up the pieces again. I find myself mentally feeling for cynicism. As I reach, I feel bitterness and numbness in my mouth, it moves down threatening to swallow me whole. I withdraw, I remember. As I edge away from the comfort of cynicism the numbness is lifted as well, leaving room for the pain to flood back in and make my insides twist.

I both envy and pity people who reside under the cover of cynicism after one event or more have forced them to seek refuge there.

They seem immune to everything, floating through life untouched. By comparison, I feel like I'm desperately clinging to a raft being pulled by a river of turmoil. I notice how the obstacles and pitfalls, the rocks beneath the surface of the river, the many horrors that feel as though they are chipping away at me, leave no mark on them. It's the numbness of cynicism, a glaze of indifference covering their eyes. 

I feel envy wash over me and i try to emulate them but soon I find they relate to the world much like prisoners communicate with visitors through a glass partition, filtering everything through cynicism effectively becoming prisoners of their own making.

I take a breath as my insides twist. If only I could wear cynicism like a coat, engulf myself in it when the river is restless so that it could keep me afloat but peel it off when I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face or feel the splash of water at my toes.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, or maybe I don't know how to wear it. I've never been much for fashion anyway...

I only know how to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I just hope it comes back in style.