Smoke Rising: Book III

Chapter Fifty-Four

Chapter Fifty-Four

The smoky night turns into a cool spring day. We hike along the grassy fields all day, as we catch each other up on everything that has happened the past several months. I tell Ross about everything that happened with Mateo, and he tells me about how his boyfriend proposed to him right before Eli and I returned. They planning a fall wedding, if they both survive this war.

We wonder into a small town shortly after lunchtime, a place with wood and brick buildings and people starving from the lack of food over the winter. We give away some of our rations to a group of orphans in the streets, and as we walk through an ally, I find a few metal trash cans and light fires in them when no one is looking. I can't feed these people without making potions and scavenging for seeds, but at least I might be able to prevent some of them from freezing death. Although today might be warmer, this early in spring the weather could change at any moment.

We stop at a small bakery and buy a few loafs of bread, and Ross finds a shop where we trade the bread for a bow, and we buy arrows with the rest of the money he brought.

The first thing I'll do if I survive killing the Chancellor is order food to be sent here, but I'll never get there if I don't save some of it for us.

We keep moving, leaving the town behind us and walking along the empty highway that leads west. It'll be at least two weeks before we get anywhere close to the capital, but at least I know how to hunt.

When the sun begins to set, I leave Ross behind in the edge of the forest and go. I follow a rabbit for half an hour, and as I pull back the arrow, I feel a pang in my heart.

Luke was a better hunter than I ever was. I let the arrow loose and it slams into the ground next to the rabbit, making it scamper away quickly. I lean back on a tree, closing my eyes.

He used to bring me squirrels almost every day for dinner, keeping my family fed. Ella and I might not be alive today if it weren't for him.

Things have changed so much since then. Since mid wrestling and fighting with the village boys, skipping school and going swimming in the lake. Now my home is gone. Now those village boys are probably all dead. I know for a fact one of them is.

If only he was lost in some alternate universe connected to the Shadowlands and I could bring him back, too. But We buried him. He's in an unmarked grave in a foreign area.

I wasn't even there with him when he died.

At least Nicholi got to say his last words. You coming into my life was the best thing that happened to me. I wish I could say the same.

A squirrel runs up the tree beside me, and I twist on my heel, throwing my palm out and expelling a bolt of lighting. It plunged into the squirrel and the poor creature falls off the tree and into the forest bed. Sighing, I walk over and stab it with an arrow. I inspect it carefully for a moment, apologizing to it silently.

The whispers start to flood my mind as I stare at the dead, crisped animal. But there are so many I can't make out anything they say.

"Stop!" My voice bounces from tree to tree, washing over the forest like a tidal wave. But the command silenced my mind, and my heart.

I turn and walk back towards where I left Ross.

We cook the squirrel and eat it with some bread for our first meal of the day. We set up a tent and sleep side by side, listening to the quiet forest as a our lullaby. In the morning I give him the bow and try to teach him how to use it. But I'm a terrible teacher, and I always have been.

He aims at the trees as we walk by them, dripping down to pick up the arrows as we walk by.

"I've been thinking about your Mateo-Eli problem."

I roll my eyes. "This outta be good."

"Just hear me out," he says, turning around and walking backwards while he talks. "It comes down to a simple question, who do you like being around more?"

"Well, recently Eli's been driving me mad with his worrying about me going mad. And Mateo just came back from the dead... so," I shrug. "I haven't really had time to explore my feelings."

"You have time right now." He stops, making me stop walking as well. "What do you like about Mateo?"

"I like that he's always there for me. He's easy to talk to... that he'd do anything for the people he cares about, even if it means hurting other people he cares about... and he's funny. He has a great talent for making me laugh when I need to, even when everything around me is falling apart."

"Okay, and what to do you like about Eli?"

I think for a moment. "I love how he's fearless... He could have a gun to his head and he wouldn't even bat an eye." I swallow hard. "And I like how he knows what people are thinking just by watching them... I can sense emotions, but he can read them. And he's smart. Like crazy smart. Always analyzing and assessing situations. I love how he used to believe in me, how he saw things in me I didn't even see in myself yet. He pushed me to be stronger. He made me embrace myself... he made me feel unstoppable before I was this," I gesture down to myself. "Some half blood revolutionary element-Shadow Caster.... I don't know if I would have gotten this far had it not been for his faith in me."

Ross smiles at me, his bright red hair curling down to his chin. "I think you know who you want, Emery. You're just afraid to break the other's heart."

He's right. I've always known who I wanted.

They both need me. They both love me. They both will be hurt if I reject them. One who has been rejected before by the girl he thought was the love his life. And the other who has never loved anyone the way he's loved me. I'm not so sure if Eli's ever loved anyone else at all. Which is why admitting to myself that I love Mateo too has been so hard. I do love him. I love them both.

But I love one more. And I left without telling him.

"I need to talk  to him."

Ross grins at me. "I knew you were a romantic deep down... deep deep down."