Muse
“You really don’t have to do this. Lagi kang male-late sa klase mo.” Kinuha ko ang bag ko na hawak-hawak niya.
Austin smiled softly. “It’s okay. I like doing it, anyways. I'll get going. Take care,” paalam niya.
“Thanks. You too.” I smiled back. Austin waved his hands as he went inside his car—yes, he already has a car. Ako kaya, kailan magkakaroon? Maybe when I turn eighteen?
Habang papalayo ang sasakyan niya, unti-unting nawala ang ngiti ko. I tightened my grip on my bag and went inside the school.
A lot has changed in five months. And majority of it came from my personality and the way I handle things emotionally. I don't if this is part of growing up but I feel sad and bored most of the times.
Nakatungo ako habang naglalakad patungong classroom namin. Unlike before, my classmates greets me now every time I come in. Gaya lang ng iba naming kaklase. Somehow, kahit hindi ko nagugustuhan ang pagbabago sa mga ikinikilos ko, may magandang dulot naman iyon and that is, my classmates started treating me like their equal.
It actually feels nice—treated equally. Akala ko noon, wala ng mas gaganda pa kung ikaw ang nakatataas. Mas masaya pala kapag kapantay ang tingin mo sa mga tao. It's easier to socialize.
“Morning, Crystal,” a classmate greeted me.
“Morning.”
Nilapag ko ang bag ko sa upuan at inilabas ang Science Book. Wala lang, nakasanayan ko lang itong gawin tuwing papasok. It has been my routine for months now. Pero minsan, kapag may kaklaseng makikipagkwentuhan sa ‘kin, iyon ang inaatupag ko.
Nakarinig ako ng tawanan mula sa pinto. My boy classmates, together with Rhett entered and they are all smiling. Nagtama ang mga mata namin pero kaagad din siyang umiwas.
I glanced at the empty seat beside me at parang may dumagan sa puso ko nang lagpasan niya lang iyon na parang wala lang just like what he always does every time.
I don’t know what happened but five months ago, he suddenly stopped sitting beside me. Hindi niya na rin ako pinapansin. He only talks to me when necessary. Doon na siya umuupo sa pinakalikod kung nasaan ang mga lalaki naming kaklase. Pero sa tuwing dumadaan siya sa dati niyang puwesto, hindi ko mapigilang umasa na tatabi ulit siya sa ‘kin. Pero never na ‘yong nangyari.
I don't know what's up with him and his cold treatment but my mind says it's great. That it's a good thing. Though my heart says otherwise.
“Today we will be having an impromptu election. Since wala kayong classroom officers, pipili tayo ng isang pares na magrerepresent ng section niyo para sa upcoming Mr. And Ms. Valentines. Alam niyo naman na ang purpose ng pageant na ‘to. That is to gather enough money para sa school. The school board has decided to renovate the old building near the canteen. Balak nilang gawing bagong teacher's and faculty and area iyon,” our adviser announced. “So, shall we start the nomination? Let's start with the boys.”
And the nomination and votings started. Walang duda na si Rhett ang nanalo. Lahat naman yata ng babae rito sa klase ay may crush sa kaniya.
Personally, I'm not a fan of those kind of school activities. I never participated in any of those. But knowing that Rhett will be my partner, I'm having second thoughts.
Napukaw ang isip ko nang banggitin ni Ma'am ang pangalan ko. Umawang ang labi ko nang makita kung sinu-sino ang mga pangalang nakasulat sa board.
There are only three candidates. Me, Gwen, and Zoe.
Kaming mga nominado ay hindi pinayagang bumoto. So I just watched as Ma'am headed the votings. Si Zoe ang nakatanggap ng pinakamababa but what's more shocking is that Gwen and I got a tied number of votes.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Gwen at halata ang gulat sa mga mata niya. Just like me, she's not a fan of pageants. Ewan ko lang ngayon. I saw Ayah on the side, pasimpleng ngumingisi pero binalewala ko siya. She still plays pranks on me pero hindi ko na pinatulan. Nakakapagod na rin kasi.
“Rhett, you did not vote.” Napalingon kaming lahat kay Rhett nang sabihin iyon ni Ma'am.
“Akala ko po hindi ako puwedeng bumoto,” aniya.
“Puwede. But since halata namang talo na si Zoe, kay Crystal at Gwen ka na lang pipili. Para may muse ka na.”
My heart hammered as I look at him nervously. But he just looked so chill like there was no tension at all.
He played with his pen and looked at Gwen, then to me. I looked at him hopefully but all he gave me was a blank stare. Just like how he looks at everyone else.
“I pick Gwen, Ma'am.” Nalaglag ang panga ko at hindi makapaniwalang napatitig sa kaniya. Even our classmates were shocked he picked Gwen!
“Okay. Our candidates will be Rhett and Gwen. Mayroon bang hindi sang-ayon?”
Kinagat ko ang labi ko habang nakatingin sa sahig na halo-halo ang emosyon.
I slowly raised my hand, earning gasps from them.
“Yes, Crystal?”
Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Ma'am.
“Ma'am, may I go out?” Mahinang natawa si Ma'am nang makita ang reaksiyon ng mha kaklase ko nang bitawan ko ang tanong ko.
“Yes, you may.”
Tumango ako saka dali-daling lumabas ng classroom.
He picked Gwen over me! Anong ibig sabihin no'n? Mas gusto niya na si Gwen, kaysa sa ‘kin? I though he has feelings for me? But why is he treating me like a nobody?
Anger, disappointment and sadness rushed through my system. I was so confident he'll choose me pero nagkamali ako. Hindi naman kami pero bakit nasasaktan ako?
I wanted to talk to him, to lash out on him pero hindi ko magawa. Lalo na ngayon na kung umasta siya, parang hindi kami magkakilala.
Tears fell from my eyes brought my frustration and disappointment.
Nasaan na ‘yung Rhett na palaging may handang ngiti para sa ‘kin? Nasaan na ‘yung Rhett na palagi akong kinukulit? Nasaan na ‘yung Rhett na gusto ako?
I can't believe I'll ever say this because of a guy but I miss him. I fvcking miss him and the way he annoys me but makes me smile at the same time.
But this is what I wanted, right? Ang layuan niya ako at magpanggap na hindi kami magkakilala? Hindi ba dapat masaya ako na sinunod niya ang gusto ko? Bakit masakit? Do I have feelings for him, too?
Do I like him too?
I stopped walking without direction because of that realization.
“N-No. No way—I can't. Hindi puwede!” Napasabunot ako sa sariling buhok at pabagsak na naupo sa bench sa may field.
Walang buhay akong nakatingin sa kawalan hanggang sa maisipan kong tingnan ang oras. It has been almost fifteen minutes since I left the room and I'm still not in the mood to go back. Tumayo ako at naglakad. Hindi na ako nagulat nang dalhin ako ng mga paa ko sa likod ng gym kung saan ako tumatambay mula noon.
This is my first time cutting classes. But I guess there is a first time for everything.
“Kanina ka pa wala sa sarili. Anong problema, Chrystalline?” Chirlyn asked strictly as she barged in my room.
Ilang segundo ko siyang tinitigan saka yumuko nang maramdamang may namumuong luha sa mga mata ko.
When the fvck will I stop crying?!
“Couz,” she called out to me gently. Naupo siya sa kama ko, sa tabi ko at hinaplos ang likod ko. “What's wrong?”
“I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel like my heart's being clenched for some reason. I just feel like something’s wrong. This is wrong. And I'm scared na bawiin lahat ng nasabi ko kasi may masasaktan.”
“May nagawa bang mali sa ‘yo si Dexter?” she asked softly.
“No. Hindi si Austin. Wala.” Umiling ako.
“Kung gano'n, anong mali?”
I faced her. “Hindi ano, Chi. More like, sino. And that is me. Ako ang mali. Ako ang may mali.”
“You don’t like him, do you?” diretso niyang tanong. I looked down but did not say anything. “You didn't try?”
“I tried! Many times, Chi. But I couldn't find it in my heart to like him that way. Tuwing tinitingnan ko siya, wala akong ibang nakikita kundi isang kaibigan.” Pinunasan ko ang basang pisngi.
“That's okay,” she consoled me. “What matters is sinubukan mo. Siguro, you are just meant to be friends. Or…”
“Or?”
“Or you can’t make yourself like him because you already like someone else.” I froze. “Matagal ko ng napapansin, Crystal. Every time we go out, lagi kang tumitingin sa bahay sa tapat na parang may iniintay ka. You always have that longing face. Not to mention the changes in you. When was the last time you hang out with your friends? Sinusubsob mo ang sarili mo sa pag-aaral. Madalas ka ng magkulong sa kwarto.” She blew a loud breath. “Crystal, pinsan mo ako. At maliban doon, I'm your friend too. Nag-aalala ako sa ‘yo so can you please tell me what's going on?”
“How will I know if I like a person?” I asked. “How did you come up with the thought that you like Dustin?”
“Ako?” Tinuro niya ang sarili. “Hmm, maybe because…he makes me feel all sorts of emotions na tanging siya lang ang nakakapagparamdan sa ‘kin. Naranasan kong mautal, naranasan kong magpanic, naranasan kong kiligin, all because of his presence.” She chuckled. “Alam mo, una kong naisip na may gusto ako sa kaniya ay noong tinulungan niya ako sa mga gamit ko. As cliché as it may sound, pero nabangga ako no'n tapos nahulog ang mga gamit ko. He helped me and when I saw his smile habang tinutulungan ako, I feel like everything shined. Doon ko narealize na…totoo pala ‘yung spark na tinatawag. Pati ‘yung slow motion, totoo siya. Pati ‘yung kasabihan na, makita ko lang siya kumpleto na ang araw ko. It's all true.”
“You really like him, huh?” I asked with a small smile on my lips.
“Yeah, I guess.” She shrugged. “What about you? Any guy caught your attention? Let's pretend I don't have a hunch.” She winked.
“Yeah, I guess,” panggagaya ko sa kaniya. “But we're not in good terms…I think.”
“Bakit?” tanong niya habang magkasalubong ang kilay.
“I don’t know. One day we're cool, then the next day, he started acting like he doesn't know me.” Nalukot ang mukha ko nang maalala ang nangyari noong isang araw. “He even picked Gwen as his muse kahit pwede namang ako ang piliin niya. I was so frustrated to the point na nagawa kong mag-cutting class dahil lang ayaw ko siyang makita.”
“Frustrated? Hindi ‘yan gawain ng isang frustrated na tao, Crystal. Seriously? You? Cut classes? Iba na ‘yan.”
“What do you mean, iba na ‘yan?” nalilito kong tanong.
“Hindi yan frustration. Ang tawag diyan, selos. Nagseselos ka kasi si Gwen ang pinili niya at hindi ikaw.” Natigilan ako nang mapagtantong tama siya. Umiling siya habang pinagmamasdan ako. “Malala ka na. Paano ko nasabi? You never cut classes. That was like your allergy. Yet you did it just because of a boy. If your feelings is like cancer, I could say stage three ka na. Kaya mag-ingat ka kasi kapag umabot ‘yan ng stage four, baka mabaliw ka na.”
“I just figured out that I like him tapos sasabihin mong malala na ‘ko?”
“What? Ngayon mo lang napagtanto? Couz, you are too obvious even before. You like him. Kaya nga hindi ako masaya sa pagpayag mong manligaw sa ‘yo si Dexter eh. Kasi alam kong may iba kang gusto.” She flipped her hair. “Gosh. Totoo pala ang kasabihang tanga sa pag-ibig ang matatalino.”
“Oo na, tanga na.” Umirap ako. “Ang problema ko ngayon ay kung paano ko sasabihin kay Austin ‘to. I'm sure he'll get hurt.”
“Good luck with that, Couz.” Tinapik-tapik niya ang balikat ko. “Basta ang maipapayo ko lang sa ‘yo ay huwag mo ng patagalin pa. To prevent even greater damage.”
✨GraciousVictory✨Don't forget to vote, comment on this chapter if you have some questions, and of course, follow my acc, @GraciousVictory. Thank you!😘
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