The eyes of depression

crap happened

9th grade

9th grade, the beginning of high school.

Yaaayy. I'm still alive...

So I have my first crush (I know I'm late to the party) and he is great. To say the least it didnt happen I lost feelings over time. On the other hand I started to date this amazing guy.... let me start from the beginning.

Rewinding time with my magical powers to 8th grade

So I was in CCD ( catholic school on Wednesday) and this boy comes up to me.

Here's a mental image for you. Imagine a large window that starts about 4 in. off the ground and has a large self. So I'm sitting on this shelf looking out the window with my legs going across the shelf. I hear a boy say," Maegan?". "Yeah?" I turned around and was immediately intimidated.

This boy, though a year younger then me was known by everyone, not because he was popular but because he was really, really smart. The principal acknowledged this.

I was surprised he knew my name. I'm kinda average. In athletics but suck at it, in band I kinda suck, in PreAp reading/writing, and in yearbook club.

He sat down and we started talking. After band we would walk together and after church we would talk and at CCD we would talk.

One day he complemented me and I didn't believe him. I mean, I look gross and lousy. I was normally wearing a hoodie, jeans, and a tshirt, my hair up in a crappy chongo or braid, and glasses.

He on the other hand wore long sleeved plaid button up, jeans, Astros cap.

Eventually he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

One day at CCD he says he likes me. I laughed because I thought he was joking. I probably asked 10 times if he was serious and he said yes.

I never had to deal with feelings before so I told him to give me time to assess what I was feeling...

Time flies and we talked every single day...

One day he took longer then normal to awnser my text.

He didnt wait for me after band.

I tell him I like him back.

What used to be hours long of conversations, turned to very few sentences.

I would text... I wouldn't get a response till weeks later or not at all.

Why? Do you hate me? What did I do? You were an amazing friend of mine.

We talked about so much stuff, I learned he used to be depressed and he knew about my uncle.

I text and dont get a message back for months.

One day stuco and yearbook had a field trip together. Knowing he will be there I tried to talk to him but he would hurry away...

Later that day on the bus I texted him one last time.
"Hey, do you hate me? Why do you keep ignoring me?"
"Its not you it's me. I dont hate you I just dont think you are the one."
"Can we still be friends?"
"Sure"
We didnt talk after that.

Fast forward 2 9th grade

Soooo now I like his cousin...

Well stuff happened and I had to text him so I can get his cousin's number so I can get a friends number.

I text and he just ask who is this? We start talking again. Slowly. He tells me why he distanced himself..

He was really suicidal and didnt want to hurt me if he did it.

We started talking about depression and he said that I wouldn't understand something. I had to tell him I've almost overdosed several times. Had the pills in my hand ready. Just what if it failed?? What if it wasn't enough?

I tell him I like his cousin and over time we start talking.

One day I couldn't take it...

Why does everyone hurt me?

Nobody loves me!

You are worthless, stupid, unnecessary, unloved by anyone, you cant control your own pain!!

I cant control my own pain...

I want to be in control.

I need to be in control.

I will be in control of my pain.

I texted him,"would it matter if I just died?" I didnt get a reply for a month.

Then I was on my hunt, my hunt for something sharp. I found it. A razor. I always wear jeans so I'll do it on my side or thigh. And so I did. Very very shallow and short but I felt a small sting. At the time that was all I needed.

I texted him the next day saying I was fine. When he got to text me back he felt absolutely terrible.

Anyway. Over time I start to like him again but, i still liked his cousin.

One day he told me he likes me. And I told him how I felt. About a month later I lost all feelings for his cousin.

So we started talking. And now we are dating.

Next chapter is depression.