c h a n g e -o f- h e a r t

• c h a p t e r s e v e n •

My wrist bruises badly by the next morning. I wince as I look at the purple finger-shaped marks. Another reminder of why I'm so afraid of men.
Except Matty, the voice in my head whispers, tauntingly.
Matty is the exact type of man I should be afraid of, I remind that stupid voice.
I climb down from my bed and throw on grey jeans and a blue sweater, a white collard shirt underneath. I haven't worn white collard shirts since high school, but for some reason the outfit works nicely. I pair it with my combat ankle boots and pull my hair up into a half ponytail. Since last night, the flat feels too small. I'm in the same building as Matty and I want to be as far away from him as possible right now.
Her long fingers tangling in his hair, pulling his open mouth up to hers.
Shut up.
Him, holding her swaying hips down on his, pulling her close, hands on the small of her back, whispering things to her.
Stop it.
He'll never whisper those things to you, my brain taunts, he'll never hold you like that. He doesn't care about a plain nobody like you. He couldn't even bring you an ice pack when you were hurt, like he said he would. He'll never care.
I do my best to shut that bit of my brain down. I don't want him to anyway, I tell myself. He can't be tied down, it would be too hard.
As if it would ever happen in the first place.
I need to get some fresh air.
Grabbing my bag, I rush out the door and down the stairs, into the fresh morning sun.
The city is quiet at this time of morning, or as quiet as it can be, and I walk without purpose, just happy to be out of that building. I'm not really paying attention, but I don't care. I can finally breathe normally, my feet can carry me wherever they want.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. Rose.
Where are you?
I look around at my surroundings, but I don't recognize them. Granted, I am in a new place, but this seems entirely unfamiliar to me.
I text my sister back.
Walking. I don't really know where I am tho lol
Rose replies:
Look around at the streets. Can you see which ones you're on? Do you want me to come get you?"
I look around and find the street signs and text my sister where I am. But I tell her that I can walk back, to which she responds:
It's almost an hour walk from where you are back to the flat. Are you sure...?
I didn't realize I walked that long. I text her that I'm sure and that she shouldn't worry-I'm a fast walker. Then I plug the address of our building into my phone, beginning to make my way back.
I reach our building and trudge up the stairs, not wanting to see anyone from last night. Specifically Matty. Or that woman. But mostly Matty. I reach our flat and unlock the door. To both my surprise and my horror the boys are sitting in the living room, sprawled out and eating delicious smelling pancakes.
The world is too cruel sometimes.
Rose turns to me with a smile, "hungry?"
I don't think I could eat now if I tried.
"I'll just make myself a cup of tea for now," I tell her, shuffling behind her to the tea kettle.
I pull out my huge mug and prepare it. I'm very specific about how I take my tea:
1. Place the tea bag into the mug, THEN pour the hot water over it.
2. Do NOT take the tea bag out. I repeat, LEAVE IT IN!
3. Half a scoop of sugar
4. 3 glugs of milk (about two dashes...not a lot. Just enough until it's that nice brown color)
5. Serve and be happy
I sigh and wrap my cold hands around the hot mug and inhale. Eventually I'll have to walk into the living room where everyone is, but right now I want to take this moment to myself.
"How's your wrist?" A thickly accented voice cuts through my peaceful moment. Matty. No.
I close my eyes and inhale again. Then exhale. Then speak, "it's fine, thanks."
"You left," he says simply.
At this, I do open my eyes and look at him, "what?"
"You left. I went back to the guest bathroom to find you and you were gone."
Yeah, because I saw you smacking face with a beautiful blonde woman and got insecure as hell, even though you're completely unattainable to me anyway and it doesn't matter how I feel about you. Not that I even know how I feel about you.
"Oh," I say, "I just got a bit overwhelmed," not really a lie, "and figured I'd just go back to my own flat."
Besides, you were pretty preoccupied.
I look over to see him frowning, "I knocked on your door, but you didn't answer."
Yeah because I was sobbing in the bathroom about something ridiculously stupid.
"Oh, I kind of went to bed right when I got back," I lie.
I know he knows I'm lying, but he doesn't say anything, he just frowns at me, and somehow that's even worse than whatever hurtful thing he could possibly say.
"I was trying to take care of you," he says finally, voice soft.
"I know, I'm sorry," I say, looking down. I shouldn't apologize to him, I have no need. He's the one who left me in that bathroom to make out with some girl.
"Why didn't you let me?" He takes a step closer. He's both too close and not close enough and I hate myself for wanting him closer.
"You seemed pretty preoccupied," the words tumble out before I can even stop them.
"what?" He cocks his head, truly confused.
"Never mind," I say quickly, "I'm just gonna go get dressed," I need to leave now before I embarrass myself even more by sounding like a whiny fangirl.
"You're already dressed," he points out.
"Excuse me," is all I say, excusing myself from the room and walking as quickly as I can without running to my bedroom.
I close the door and sigh, walking to the window. I shouldn't have said anything. God, I'm an idiot.
"Your room is cute."
I didn't even hear the door open, I'm so lost in my own head.
I close my eyes again and sigh, "Matty-"
He crosses the space between us in one stride, "I'm sorry."
"W-what?" I'm startled. Is he feeling okay?
"You heard me. Don't make me say it again." He scowls.
"But why are you sorry?" I ask, wanting him to say it in case we weren't on the same page about the whole thing.
"For not coming back, for ditching you for Anna those two times, for being an ass at the party," he chuckles, "the list is quite extensive, I've been an ass to you."
"When did you ditch me twice?" I ask, confused.
He looks down, almost ashamed, "I never had a studio session. It was a booty call."
Oh.
I look down at my feet, not knowing what to say.
Suddenly he's right in front of me, "you look so sad, love" I hate the way I love it when he says love, "why are you so sad?" He seems to say the last bit to himself more than to me, frowning.
"I'm not sad," I reply, defensive.
He smiles at me and reaches out, cupping my cheek, tilting my head up so my eyes can meet his.
"Matty-"
"Shut up," he smiles at me and leans closer.
I feel his breath on my face and sigh, leaning into his hand. It's like someone else is taking control of my body. I hate the way I'm reacting to a simple touch.
His lips brush against mine, and he sighs against me.
"Daisy," Matty says softly, but he doesn't finish the sentence. Instead he pulls me closer and presses his lips against mine a little harder. One hand goes to my waist, the other on my cheek. My breath hitches and I sigh into his mouth, bringing my hands up, maybe to tangle in his hair, I'm not sure, I just want to touch him.
Suddenly the door bangs open, and Matty and I jump apart.
Rose stands in the doorway, looking furious.
"Matty Healy, get away from my sister right now!" I've never heard her use that voice before, it's scary.
Matty takes several steps back from me.
"She's not one of your sluts," Rose hisses, "she's too good for you."
Matty's entire demeanor changes and his eyes grow cold. He barks out a laugh, "don't worry about that. As if I'd actually want her anyway."
Ouch.
"Fuck!" Matty turns on his heel and walks out of the room. Moments later I hear the front door slam shut.
Rose stalks out of the room back into the living room.
I'm alone.