My REAL Lifetime Movie

Homeless On The Street

We are all up late, talking to each other. My fiance, me and his cousin. Everything seems fine other than our moods being down because of everything we're going through. I'm gathering my stuff to go and take a hot bath when his cousin slips her shoes on and says "I'll be back. Going to ask mama to borrow ten dollars." We thought that was strange because it's about eleven o'clock at night but we also both know what she's wanting ten more dollars for, since she is already broke from the money she had today. My fiance gets up to go wash dishes and I am headed to the bathtub. I get a text on my phone and am surprised by what it said. It was my fiance's aunt, his cousin's mama. She says "if y'all have any money left, can you go to a motel please?". I take the phone to him, wondering why she would text that and he calls her. She says that she's tired of hearing her daughter complain and that we should go. Of course I am livid because this was her idea in the first place and we have been faithfully paying her and doing more than our part but I am also pissed because she's making her family think that we aren't doing anything and she's broke because of us. I knew damn well that her mama knew better than this because she had spoke with me about her daughter's habits before and how bad of a mother she was to her child, so I couldn't understand how she could play into this and have us leave. At this time it's midnight and we don't have a vehicle. I had to call my dad, who lives thirty minutes away, to come pick us up and our stuff. We had just enough money left to pay for a motel room for only two nights and after that we didn't know what we would do but all we could do was think about the "now". My dad took our things to another family member's garage and then took us to the motel. I was so mad and so mentally and emotionally drained, that I couldn't even think about lying down to go to sleep. I was scared. I was hurt and betrayed and I really, really missed my babies. That night, I tossed and turned all night. I didn't want to get up but I couldn't go to sleep. Honestly, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up at all. That's how I felt. Our two days went really fast. There was nothing we could do except throw our clothes in a bag and walk outside. We had no money and no place to go and this wasn't a surprise anymore. We walk over to the next motel, next door, so that we don't get yelled at for lingering around outside the one we was at, without paying for another day. There was food places and factories across the street but I knew it was going to be a challenge for me getting a job because my license was still expired. My fiance, on the other hand, lost his job because his ride was right beside his cousins. That's how he got to work every day. Now, we can easily walk to the job but where would we stay at night out here on the highway? If we worked right here, then we could afford to pay the motel from week to week, but how can we stay here until we start getting paid? This was horrible. I went inside both of the motels begging for maid jobs and asking if I could maybe stay there and work for free, just until I got on my feet. Or, They could possibly let me slide a week until I got my first check to pay? They wasn't going for either option and looked at me like I was crazy. Why would they go for it? They aren't homeless and stuck in the street right now and they don't know me. As far as these people are concerned, we are probably just a couple junkies who done this to ourselves. That's how society looks at people. I threw my hands up because I didn't have any other ideas except one and just the thought made me sick to my stomach. You always hear of women stalking truck stops, to flirt or beg, whichever it is, and they give them money. In the position I'm in right now, I still had a little more self worth than that, so I couldn't do it and my fiance would have walked away from me for good. We spent hours outside that day and none of our plans or ideas is working. My fiance gives in and calls his cousin that he's pretty close to and asks to borrow enough money to get us another night. Thankfully, he comes through. We hurried inside and paid for the room and it already felt good to me, to be back indoors. This is for sure our last night, so we have got to come up with something. We can't just walk around all day and night. Do you think we had any luck at all when I called all the churches and all the resources and shelters in town, again? Nope. We didn't. Not one single person and I begged and pleaded and told them I was literally on the street with no place to go. Nothing. The next morning, we tossed our bags behind a bush, that was behind the dumpster. There was no way we was carrying all that around as long as we're out here just walking and it's hot as hell outside. We didn't know where we was going but we had to get closer to town atleast. So we walked. And we walked and walked. I was in sandals and I walked on the busy highway, down a long country side road, through a park. My feet was dirty and hurting and I was hot and sweaty. For someone that typically takes 6 baths a day, this was hard for me. We stopped at the county park to rest and I went to the bathroom to try and wash up and recollect myself. We sat for a minute, hot and thirsty and decided to start our walk again. We made it finally to town but we still didn't know where to go. It was starting to get late and dark was coming. We had made our way to a family member's house. Another aunt to my fiance. She's a sweet lady and very "Godly". So I thought anyway. We sat with her for awhile and explained what was going on. This is an older lady and she lives alone. She also has extra rooms in her home, so I thought that being the sweet, loving lady she was AND being family, she would offer us to sleep there in the extra room, or even the floor. Atleast offer to him because he is family but no. Instead, she tells us that the house next door is empty and has been for a long time. Apparently, the woman who owns this house doesn't want to fix or rent it, so it just sits empty. She tells us to get the mattress they have out back, still in plastic, and take it in the back room of the house, to sleep. She says no one will know we are even in there. As crazy as it sounds, we jumped on that idea because atleast it was inside and a place to sleep. When we go get the "mattress", we realize it's actually a box spring and it's a twin size box spring. Fuck it. I'm tired, hot and ready to just lay down. So we drag the box spring in the back room of the house and I am terrified at the thought of how many bugs I am going to deal with because this house is a mess and hasn't been touched in years. But it's all we have right now so we have got to work with it. My fiance tied a pair of old underwear around the bottom of a rake, to sweep the floor and I had a bottle of spic and span I thought, if I sprayed it all over the floor and windows that maybe it would keep any bugs from wanting to enter. It was hot and sticky in the room. Of course, it's 90 plus degrees outside and there is no electric in the old house and windows had all been shut. We had to stay on the down low but we had to crack a window. We lay there covered in our own sweat and I kept pouring water on myself and wiping sweat away with a wet wash cloth. I also had a paper I was using as a fan but it was only fanning hot air to our faces. After a few hours, you finally fall asleep because you're so exhausted. You're already sleeping restless because your body is aching, you're hot and sweaty and the sound of buzzing is so loud because of the flies that are coming through the window. Before you know it, it's daylight again and even hotter. But it's time to go. We are out walking, as usual, because we only have a little time before my fiance goes to work and I am left to the streets, alone. I have a mental breakdown this day. I can't really remember where my thoughts were exactly to know what had triggered it but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted my kids. I also couldn't handle the fact that all of my family thought I was a huge fail as a mother and was doing drugs. I just couldn't understand why I was being accused of such and why or how they was actually removing my kids when I hadn't really been doing any drugs. But it remained a mystery for now because I kept asking why but no one would answer me. I just knew that I couldn't continue living in the streets the way that I was and I couldn't be without my babies. They are the reason I lived at all. So I am getting angrier and sadder by the minute and I am walking and walking. I end up at the railroad tracks. Mainly to be out of sight because I was so tired of people staring at me wondering who the girl walking alone, with a backpack, was. It was embarassing to me. I wanted to sit somewhere that I wouldn't be seen. Just to chill out for a little while. But as I was sitting next to the tracks, the devil started working on me. I kept asking myself, "Do you want to keep feeling like this every day and hurting your babies over and over again, or would you rather just leave?" You know people always say you would be hurting people by being gone forever, but in my mind, at that moment, I thought if I was gone then it would be easier for my kids to adjust with where they was instead of being jerked around place to place by the system. And I figured if I was in spirit then I could be with my kids whenever I wanted, instead of waking up heartbroken every day without them. The more I thought about this the more the devil was winning. I will admit, something like this will show how cowardly you are. Or not. In my case, I guess I was a coward. That selfish part of me that wanted so badly to beat this and have my happily ever after back, didn't really want to die but the devil kept reminding me that this was only the beginning of a losing battle. But how would I do it? How would I just face the fear of death without being chicken shit and backing out? I probably sit at the tracks for hours but it only seemed like a few minutes. Suddenly, I had a plan.