My REAL Lifetime Movie

The Devil Made Me Do It

Out of nowhere, I could hear this plan playing out in my head but it wasn't my voice. It was someone else's. "If you wait at the right time, when the train starts to come, you can jump right in the center of the tracks. If you lay down sideways at first, you can straighten yourself out to lay flat. By the time you finish this, the train will be coming fast toward you, so you wouldn't have time to try and wiggle yourself back out. You would be stuck. So, lie back, close your eyes and scream as loud as you can." BOOM! It's over. Seemed simple enough and I waited so that I could watch the train a few times. I needed to see it play out, so that I would know if what I heard would really work. I waited on the train three different times. I was so numb at this point that I can't even remember how loud it was anymore. I didn't hear anything. I decided on the fourth train to get this over with. Am I making the right decision? "Don't be silly. Of course you are! You don't want to continue hurting your babies." That's what I heard. Then, I start seeing their crying faces and I broke out in sobs myself. "No!, No I don't want them to hurt or be sad!" I walked closer to the train tracks and forgot where I was. I had already missed my break and waited too long because the train was coming again and I hadn't even made it to the middle yet. So, I'll have to wait one more time. I am standing there, crying, my hair is a mess and blowing in the wind of the train and it's so loud that I can't even think. I close my eyes really tight and I am starting to feel at ease with this. All of a sudden, it's like someone pushed me back with all of their might. My eyes jerked open and the wind had stopped blowing, the train was gone and all of my fear rushed through my whole body. I was so scared that I turned around and ran away, far from the tracks. My heart was racing, I was sweating and I couldn't believe what I was about to do. Like it was a surprise. Then, my mind started playing memories of my babies. Their smiles and their laughter. All these good feelings came over me and I started to cry again. I could hear another voice in my mind at that moment. "How could you even think of doing something so awful?! You would destroy those babies. They need you! You will figure this out and they will come home. Be patient." Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't but I thought right away that was my mama that day. My mama saved me from the devil and smacked me into shape. I could see her in my head, yelling at me, for good reason. All I could do was apologize and thank her out loud. "Thank you mama. The devil made me do it and I'm sorry. I won't listen to him ever again." I got some kind of empowerment in that moment. I got up and dusted myself off, grabbed my backpack and started off on my walk. I didn't really know where I was going but I felt different. I had hope and I had fight. Fight for the system and hope that it would work out and my babies come home. I knew I had to get a home first, obviously but I had a determination that I will be patient. I want this court date and I want to do whatever they want me to do. If I talked about my days leading up to finally getting a court date, my readers would probably go to sleep. It was literally the same thing every. Single. Day. BORING! And just sad. But finally the day came to get ready for court. We had waited so long to get a court date. Two long, terrible months. I was nervous but I felt good. I knew without an apartment, the kids couldn't come right back home but I felt like maybe, I can finally be heard and this shit will come to a close. I couldn't have been more wrong. All over again, my head is spinning, I'm sick to my stomach and I can hear the devil in my ear. "I told you so."