My REAL Lifetime Movie

Almost Torn Apart

I am out walking, working my way toward my fiance, to meet him as he is getting off work. We're both having a bad day, as usual, but today we're replaying in our minds this whole mess. We tend to get into an argument any time we are already pissed off about something big. Not because we're mad at each other but because I guess we sort of bounce off of each other because there is no one else. Today is one of those days. He mentions to me that he has decided to leave town and go to a mens shelter because he feels that they can help him more or faster, than us being out here in the street. Being my asshole self, I immediately get angry because I feel the threat of him just leaving me all alone. He is headed toward a place in town that "helps" people, although they had never been able to help us. I'm thinking he is just bluffing because he is mad and he is also trying to talk me into going to a shelter here in town for myself. I decline angrily because the thought of a shelter to me was, drugs, gross and embarassing. When he walks outside from this place and tells me the church guy is arranging a pick up for him, that's when I realize he is serious and I am full blown angry then. How could he just up and leave town and leave me here alone? I had already lost my kids and damn near my mind, he was the only thing or person I had left right now. I didn't want to go to a shelter. I wanted to keep sticking this shit out and fight it until the end. I threw my fit and left him standing there as I stormed away, mad. I couldn't help but let the tears fall down my cheeks because I was so hurt. I honestly didn't think I could even cry anymore but I was wrong. Now, I'm on my own, so I need to come up with a plan. Anything to keep surviving. I was headed back to my cell so I could collect my thoughts and I hadn't made it very far when a car pulls right up beside me. It was my fiance and the church guy. I wasn't going to make an ass of myself in front of this guy, so when told to get inside the car, I did. My fiance is saying that we're going to the shelter in town to see if they have room for me, so he can go to the men's shelter. I let him rant and rave while I sit quietly. I figured, getting dropped off at the shelter just put me closer to where I was having to walk, so I rode. When we pulled up to the place, I walked behind the vehicle so he could pull away and when he did, I started off walking up the sidewalk as my fiance walked inside the shelter. I am sticking to my guns. I'm not going to this place. I make it back to the old abandoned house and change my clothes because I am so gross and sweaty. It's way too hot to sit inside this house right now and I want to go to the park and charge my phone up because I am needing to ask a friend of mine if I can get a job at the same factory she is working, could she give me a ride with her every day. As I am walking down the street, my fiance is coming up the street. I am so angry with him right now, I don't even want to argue with him but he keeps trying to make me believe that his plan is right and the best way to go. So, I let him think I am giving in. "Fine! I am going to go down here!" I guess he thought I was lying because he heads on to the park with the cell phone and thinks I am coming because I have the charger. I am actually going to this shelter, just so I can make him think I am doing it. That way, he can go on and go do what he wants without the guilt of leaving me behind. I walk inside this place and stand there, pouring sweat for like thirty minutes, while being ignored by everyone in the office. Just as I am about to give up and leave, a lady comes out and asks me my name. When I told her, she smiles and says she was waiting to see if I came in or not because she has one room left and if I hadn't come when I did, they was about to give it to the next person. Well, I didn't tell her this but I was thinking, the other person will still get the room because I am only here to pretend right now because my fiance is an asshole. This was anger talking. Before I know it, another woman shows up in front of me with a folder, full of papers and sits me down at a table. Very slowly and with one hundred questions to the boss, we are filling out paperwork. Your whole life history ends up being in this folder. It was closing time so the boss lady tells the woman she can go ahead and take me to the house to finish up, so I walk outside and across the street to a brick house. When I walked inside I couldn't believe how beautiful and clean the house was. It was a house I could only dream of living in right now. As we're sitting at the kitchen bar, I am noticing so many women coming in and out of the kitchen and the front door and they're all running around cleaning something and none of them have a smile. They all look mad or upset about something. I was being introduced to every last one of them because they all live inside this house. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I start thinking my fiance's plan may not be so bad. It was a nice house and a few chores every day and a curfew doesn't hurt anyone. I was told in the beginning that they help you with transportation to and from your job, help you find a place, save money and outside of work, you can also come and go when you please, with the exception of the eight o'clock curfew. Seemed like a good idea. I was shown my room, bed and the bathroom as we was on our way to drug test me, like they do everyone who stays. No problem at all with me, so I do that with the woman standing there, staring right at me and we go back to the kitchen. She acts surprised when she tells me I passed. See, that's what drives me crazy about people. They assume that because you're going through a struggle of some sort and you're homeless, then you must be a drug addict. Well, guess again. I'm not. We start going over a list of rules and the dos and donts. That's when I start having a problem. You wake at seven a.m. every day, including weekends, to start chores and those keep you going until you attend classes and bible studies throughout the day but even if you work and you don't get in from work until six in the morning, you're still waking up at seven regardless. After calculating in my head all the percentages she's mentioned that goes to the shelter, from your check, I come up with about half my check being given, while only five percent going to a savings. You're told when to use the shower, when to watch tv, use the phone and go to bed and you can't have any communication what so ever with any of the people at the men's side, even if it's your husband or the father to your children. I am having a hard time with some of this stuff but I plan on staying and giving it a try. I asked if I could go and get some clothes and belongings and run to the store up the street, since earlier I was told you could, but I was told no. I didn't need to leave. The woman tells me that she will go and get me some of her clothes to wear. Now, I do not mean this in a mean way but this woman's clothes would have swallowed me! I wanted my own stuff and I had nothing to drink or anything. One of the other rules was that everyone had their own stuff in the kitchen and if you didn't have anything then you're just SOL. Well, if I was going to be staying somewhere then I wanted to have what I needed and I also had medicine at the pharmacy waiting to be picked up that I hadn't had and needed. It only took me about ten seconds to realize that this was nothing more than a women's prison. You're a prisoner to this shelter and give them your money, meanwhile you stay on their property and slave for them. For what? To be stuck there forever, broke because you're giving all your money to them and for a "room" inside a home you will always share? No thank you. I grabbed my purse and I walked out. I have no problem at all with authority and rules but this was just crazy. I didn't see any real help in this place. Now to the park to charge this phone because I got work to do. It isn't until I get to the park though, that I realized I only had the charger. The phone was with my fiance who I have no way of talking to. Damn! I have about fourty five minutes to make it to the pharmacy before they close and I have no way now of reaching my friend to borrow money, like I originally was going to do. I only had one thing I could do and I really didn't want to. I was going to pawn my ring that my fiance got me. It was very special to me and I didn't want to lose it too but I had done lost everything, so why not? After walking out of the pawn shop, I didn't think I would be able to make it across town to the pharmacy but I walked so fast and a few times I had to stop because I really thought I was about to have a heat stroke but I made it and with a few minutes to spare. I was pretty proud of myself.  I had enough left, after getting my medicine, to grab a pop and a snack. I headed back to the park to sit and wait until dark because I was going to try and catch my fiance going in from a class, without getting him into trouble. Plus, I had no way of knowing what time it was and I knew once it got dark, I could guess it was about nine o'clock. I sit forever, bored out of my mind and the more bored I became, the more my mind would race in circles but I continued to sit until it started getting dark out. Then I grabbed my stuff and started walking back toward the shelter. I couldn't see if any of the people inside the building was him or not but I assumed he was there, so I found a swing they had out back, behind the building and posted up there. I figured when they all come out, I would hear them talking to one another. I waited and waited until I finally decided to just walk up there and ask for him but when I cut the corner, I didn't see him in the group that was standing out smoking. As my eyes wondered around and I am wondering where he could be, he's coming right down the sidewalk and I knew right then that he didn't stay either. At first, he was mad at me because he didn't know what was going on and I had scared him taking off alone, even more so that it's dark now and he hadn't found me. Once I explained what happened, he said he didn't like how they ran things there himself but when the woman came ans told him that I had left and "did not want help", he told them he had to go as well. They tried getting him to stay but he told them he was doing what GOD would want him to do and that was to go be with his wife and not let her be out in the street all alone. That was sweet and I will admit, I was happy to see him looking for me that night. Even though I was going all independent and stuff. I smiled a real smile. Only my babies and him can make me smile a real smile. He admitted that his plan wasn't the best idea like he thought and we went on back to our shack that night. The next morning we had to walk to a temp agency so I could apply for the factory job. I got in touch with a friend and she said she didn't mind if I rode with her every day which was great news! They hired me with no problems and I was so happy to start my new job. The only thing that sucked about it, is that we was staying in the shack house and the family member's house we was going to, to take showers, wasn't home before I had to leave for work. I did it anyway for a couple days and I just couldn't take it. I said we have got to get into a motel somehow!