Dirty Little Secret // C.H.

Twenty-nine

Weeks passed and something was wrong.

Something wasn't quite right with Sienna. She'd made great progress with her mental health. She had even gotten another new charm for her bracelet for two more weeks of being clean of self harm; a bright blue glass-looking charm from Luke. "If Niall gets to be represented," He'd told Sienna. "I wanted to be as well."

Sienna loved having charms representing the boys. She couldn't wait to have a charm from all of them so she could have a piece of each of them with her at all times.

However, even with the progress she was making, there was something wrong. She knew the feeling that something was off was due to the fact that there were too many unanswered questions between her and Calum. As much as she liked to pretend her relationship with Calum hadn't even been a real relationship, deep down she knew Calum was the reason she felt incomplete.

She missed him horribly, but it wasn't so much of an ache anymore. It was more like she was missing a part of herself.

There was something missing and she knew it was him.

When things quieted down, her mind always wandered back to him. It had been weeks since they'd had an actual conversation. When they spoke, it was brief and final. Sienna hated it.

After weeks without him, she learned to focus on the happy memories she had of him. She often thought of his dimples. Of his voice. Of his embrace.

Remembering all the happiness that came with him seemed to make her forget all the fighting and heartache.

It made it easier to long for him rather than regret loving him.

Since the moment she'd realized she loved Calum. It all made sense. He wasn't just some guy and it wasn't just some fling. She loved him. She was in love with him.

She had suddenly felt a sensation of relief. She understood all the tears, and heartache, and overwhelming emotions. It brought her some peace to know where she stood with him, even if he didn't feel the same.

She wanted to run to Calum. She wanted to throw her arms around him, apologize for everything, and tell him she'd never leave his side.

But she couldn't do that.

She could tell the feeling wasn't mutual. So, she saw no point in humiliating herself by confessing her love to him only to be rejected. The idea of hearing the words come from his lips–of seeing the look on his face as he tried to find the right words to let her down softly–terrified her.

She chose the less frightening plan. She chose to love him secretly from afar. It was better than being rejected and having to go through the heartache all over again. It was better than facing the reality that he didn't want a relationship with her.

Sienna let out a sigh. She attempted to continue cleaning up the lads' dressing room, throwing away empty water bottles and takeout containers, but she was too distracted by her thoughts. In her daze, she accidentally knocked a glass candy dish full off mints off one of the end tables.

"Damn it." She muttered as she bent down to clean up the shattered dish.

Her hands trembled as she reached for the glass. She decided to wait until she had calmed down a little more before touching the glass. The last thing she needed was to cut herself on some glass because she was worked up over a guy.

That'd be fun to explain to Luke, she thought.

She ran her hands through her hair, pulling it away from her face so she could steady herself. She took a deep breath.