Friday
September 20th, 2019
10:08 AM
My Fears and Distrust
People, I have such distrust in society… but even still… I still want what’s best for others, so if I have to be broken down, in order to help someone else… I’ll be their literal punching bag… if Jay was to turn her back on me right now, to the point she would beat me... I would take it… because in my mind… I still see them as better than myself, more deserving… so… I put myself down and take everything. No questions asked.
To actually think... that all other lives, were worth more than my own.
Even if Tommy has been pretty dormant lately, parts of him linger in me, enough to the extent that I don't really care what happens to me. I could be kidnapped right now, and I really wouldn't care. Because I would be one less problem to my family, one less problem at school, on less useless worker at my job.
I could literally be beaten half to death, right now, and I really wouldn't think anything but "at least it was me and not someone else. At least it wasn't someone weaker than I am,"
See it from my eyes.
All of your life, indirectly, you were told you would amount to nothing. That you were a waste of time, a charity event. then you see your siblings put up on a pedestal... and then you look at yourself, and just see a mess. Naturally you start thinking you're just a stone to be stepped on so others can get ahead, worthless in the eyes of many. You can't change the fact that you see yourself this way because you're constantly locked in a cage, unable to see three feet past your confinement. What would you do?
Try to find a way out?
But how can you, when all you've ever seen, was the confinements of your cage, when you're afraid of what may happen, should you try to break those bonds. What's the scariest to a caged man, is not the confinement he is within, but the freedom that he is given when he leaves. what I’m afraid of... is being proven that I am what I’ve always been told, so in return, I just take everything, never really asking of anything else.
“Nobody is what they’re told, your past doesn’t define you, it's what you do to change it that does,” my best friend told me, and if you are?
You're not looking at it from the perspective of the analogies I gave you so look at it like this:
As a teen, things were bothering you, things that rooted deep inside you. Your parents notice something’s off… but all you can do is lie right through your teeth, because you’re afraid that they may not accept you, and you don’t want those fears confirmed, so you put up this mask, hiding everything you feel, put on a smile as bright as the sun, try to be a happy virus, when all you feel like doing… is dying, is screaming at the top of your lungs at the utter cruelty of the world… to cry, but you can’t, because you can’t act any other way because then they’ll ask you more questions, they’ll realize you’re not fine… that you’re a mess!!!
Now let me draw connections. The parents, are my uncharted waters. The lies, are my confinement. The truth is how I feel. And in that scenario, you are me... do you understand? Why I can’t just simply “get over it”? Why I’m so stuck in my feelings, so broken? It’s because… I’m afraid of everything surrounding outside the world I’ve known, even if I know the treatment I received… is wrong… I can’t help but feel I deserve it for being such a fuck up!!!
How… how can anyone be happy when all they’ve ever know was hopelessness and despair? I’m sorry… but… I know I’m a fuck up, my birth tore apart a family. Hell, my father wanted nothing to do with me from birth. My mother gave me away. And the worst part is… the ones who took me in… who had supposedly chosen me… wanted nothing to do with me. I was just a monthly paycheck in the mail, a fucking chairity event!!! I was never wanted by anyone ever… not until my best friend came along… and sometimes… I doubt that she’s not going to grow tired of me like everyone else… I doubt that she’s going to deal with my bullshit and not mind… I’m scared of losing her… because she was the first person who accepted me for who I was, every broken piece of me… and I’m scared that someday… I’ll reveal something so troubling… that she gives up on me… and never looks back. I’m so scared, so fucking scared.
So in return?
I hide everything, continuing to slowly die… and not really even giving a damn why.
