Unknown

Tuesday #3 (a week later)

I know I haven't written in a while , it's only because I was hospitalized , but trachea , or that stupid thingy that let's you breathe, was fractured from when I wanted to killed my self from hanging myself last week, and I know you guys think "what the fuck? Is she that unstable?!" Well as I have told you guys, I'm in a severe case of both depression and anxiety , and this wasn't the first time I've attempted death, I've tried to drown myself, I stabbed myself in the stomach, stuck my arm in the acidic bin in science class last semester, and the most unless one, I've stabbed an electrical socket with a fork, cuz I thought the current would kill me....
Yes I know I'm stupid enough to try these things, and yes I know it wasn't right for me to attempt to end my life, but I was in the state of mind that I couldn't get out of, and apparently every time I get into that certain state, there's no going back,
Tomorrows my birthday, I'll be 20 years old
And Ik some people be like "naw 20 years young"
Well I prefer old cuz then it means I live closer to death,
Derek once told me to begin thinking better of myself, and i asked him why,
Then I've never cried so hard at anything thing ever
"Because a wife should like high of herself" and well, apparently that "promise" ring was an engagement ring but he wanted to do it in a really cute way, just to surprise me and well it work, he wanted to do it close to my birthday so I'd have something to look forward to every year
We get married next year, and he made me promise him something
He said
"Now that you are my wife to be, you're not allowed to attempted or cut, you need your beautiful scarred up skin, for your gown okay?"
I agreed obviously but like I honestly don't know if I can keep this promise
I'm going to the doctors now, just a normal check up, and I wanna ask them to give me a better prescription and maybe it'll make things better.
-Jennifer McNeil (to be)