Smoke and shattered mirrors

Chapter nine: Topher's got a secret

The brightest silver lining in my situation is Topher. 

I told him the flashback that I had in Scott Asher's grave. Someone broke in and took a copy of a camp video. He was nice about it, actually, he is being nice about everything. He is stuck in a weird position between the Before Merci and the After Merci.

"You didn't call me. When that must've happened you kept it a secret." He said in this low, smokey hot voice. "I didn't know that someone broke in your house."

I shake off the dismay."I should ask Rory, then."

"Rory knows that you don't know anything. Let alone these weird flashbacks, Merce."

"Point taken." I said. But if I did have real evidence, and Rory was fully in cahoots with me then, he must know something.

He glances at my flushed, haggard face. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing." I snorted. "If it wasn't obvious enough. "

"Something, "He smiled that smoldering Topher-ish smile " Is bothering you."

 "Everything is bothering me." I said. Which was as true. Sad but very much true. Everything feels so wrong.

Too wrong. I feel like a weird robot minus the complicated mechanical parts. Like when someone asks me to jump, I'll jump. When I talk, I have guarded and limited words. When I blink, I'm afraid that I might shut down.

So maybe I am a robot-in-the-making, nothing but a hollow, controlled robot. A robot with no emotions. The only difference between me and a robot is a photographic and stored memories.

To which my brain is as well defunct.

Topher kept glancing over me, he must be very concerned. But I keep my head down and my eyes out the window where the sun was almost setting. 

I love this city already. Maybe it was an instinctive memory, like when my hand caressed the silk covers of my bed... I knew, I knew that I was home.

"Do you still have your laptop?" Topher asked me, taking a turn. 

"Yeah. I saw it on my desk. I haven't used it yet." I shrugged.

He smiled." Good."

"Why?" I furrowed my eyebrows. We got stuck in a stoplight.

"Because I can hack in and search your browser history."

"Brilliant! That's so freaking brilliant, Topher! " I sat up quickly and threw my arms around Topher unexpectedly. He was warm against the thin fabric of my shirt. I hugged him for a while with my eyes closed. I didn't notice his frozen up face and that he didn't hug me back. And then the cars behind us started honking.

My eyes widened and I quickly regained my posture. Sheepishly unwrapping my arms around his neck. We were both surprised with the (almost) affectionate gesture. Although I did remember him hugging me like that when we first met. 

"Hey! what's the hold up?!" A man behind us yelled, sticking his head out the window while honking his horn. LOUDLY.

Topher seemed to recover, for he continued driving.

It was awkward. There was an awkward moment and silence.

"I, um, just t-thankful for everything you're doing, Topher." I looked down.

He gave me a small smile. "Nah. You just caught me off guard, Merce. Sorry."

"No." I shook my head. "I'm so thankful that you're here. Helping me. You're not one of those people who sentimentally thinks of my situation helpless. You didn't make me feel odd. You haven't once mentioned the elephant in the room."

"We're in a car."

"In the car, then." I smirked.

He clasped his hands together  for a while." Oh! and I'm saving those teenage angst for later. When we watch cheesy and lame and highly pretentious chic flicks that you'll drag me to watch later."

I gaped at him and started laughing." We watch chick flicks?"

"Katherine Heigl was your favorite actress! I had no choice!" He exclaims. "You made me!"

I threw my head back laughing. Imagining Topher sitting with me on a couch with popcorn and a chick flick rolling on the flat screen.

"We usually watch them when you get too sad." He said. "And I usually suggest it when we.."

Topher's voice trailed.

"When we what?" I asked, still delirious with happiness.

"Nothing." His voice suddenly feels like stone rubbing against my skin.

I said nothing. He said nothing else. And for a while, it was silent.

The awkward silence was back. I better get use to it, maybe. I hate feeling that empty space between me and the people I talk with. What Topher? What did we do? Do we fight? Do we laugh? What? 

I wanted to ask senseless questions. 

He dropped me off my house. He asked to meet up at Snowflakes, an ice cream parlor near the the  Ritcher Penninsula  hotel. But he rolled his window down and stuck his head out.

"Merci." He said. Closing his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. "

"For what?" I tilt my head. He gives a sheepishly adorable smirk and said," For keeping things from you."

"Why do you keep things from me?" I questioned.

He seemed to debate with himself. There were these conflicting emotions crossing Topher's face. 

"Wil youl hate me because I'll white out a few truths?" He asks after a while.

"Tell me why first." I said firmly.

He answered," Because there are certain things that are better off without you knowing."

I shook my head." What kind of things?"

He leans closer out the car window, he whispers," Things that would hurt you. And I don't want my bestfriend hurt."

Of course, I'm his friend. And not just a friend. A bestfriend.

"I'm not a kid. I don't need protection."

He laughs." You're still stubborn."

"Yeah, I am!" I exclaim. He asked me to stop asking these questions. So I hurried with retrieving my laptop, I saw martha vaccuming the rug in the living room.

"How was your appointment, Merci?" She asked as a greeting in a friendly tone.

"Bleak but okay." I answered casually.

I didn't catch her reply. I was already upstairs.

My hands carefully held the slightly heavy laptop. Martha was rummaging aroung the hall further from the living room when I came down again. Topher's car was still parked outside the gate. I handed him my laptop. 

Sure, he could see very private files on that computer. And he could even possibly be an enemy, and yet here I am, giving a piece of my precious belonging to a boy I barely know.

I trust Topher. And for my sake, I hope he understands.

"I'll see you in three hours, Merce. Get some rest, I'll take it from here." He said, then rolled his windows up and left.

I started walking back now. Fingering the tape Doctor Muria gave me in my pocket.