Smoke and shattered mirrors

Chapter ten: To keep a memory

My hair was a ruffled mess as I lay in an awkward position on the corner of my dark walk in closet. I grabbed some pillows and found some comfort in their warmth. Now. I need to figure out everything that happened. 

So I put in the CD in the music player and shoved the earbuds into my ears.

I could hear my own ragged breathing through the headset. I don't know if it was Dr. Muria or me.

"Can we start now?" Dr. Muria's voice said.

A moment of silence tinkers on before Dr. Muria said, "Okay then."

"I just need someone to talk to." I heard my voice say. Crystal clear. "I was told that you could... be a good listener."

"I'm listening,Mercicus. No need to be afraid." Dr. Muria said in the same comforting tone she used on me hours ago.

"I have every reason to be afraid, Doctor Muria. I'm in a bad place."

Dr. Muria must've dropped a pen before saying, " Are we speaking metaphorically or literally?"

A shiver raced against my spine as I heard my reply: "Both."

"What makes you say that, Mercicus? Are we talking about someone hurting you?"

"Maybe." A pause. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Anything, Mercicus. Isin't that why you're here?"

"There are plenty of reasons why I'm here."

"Then expound."

"There's someone in my life... that.. I deeply c-care about."

"Are we talking about a friend of yours?"

"No, I'm talking about my family. My cousin, to be exact."

Rory. I gave a small inaudible gasp. 

"And?"

"And I'm worried about him."

"Is that the secret?"

"No.. But that was the start of it. I cared too much for my cousin... And I made an enemy."

"I'm not following this conversation much, Mercicus."

"Please just call me Merci.I hate my name."

"It's a unique na-"

"It's unusual. I hate it. Just call me Merci." The way I said was sharp and rough. Dr. Muria must've cringed.

"So you cared for your cousin too much that you made an enemy an it started all of this. How?"

I heard a gulp, probably from me. "I can't say much except that it started all of it. But then again, it's also my fault why I'm stuck in this mess, I guess I just have to face the music and be done with it. My Mom and Dad doesn't even know about my current boyfriend."

"Who is it, Merci? Is he the one hurting you? I mean, where did you get those bruises and cuts?

Bruises and cuts? I had bruises and cuts? 

"No." I hear my own laughter."He probably hates it that I'm away from him.  He'll never hurt me."

"Then why is your face full of cuts? And how did you get that gash on your forehead?"

"Oh this?- A pause- There was just this accident yesterday."

Yes! Finally! Some purely concrete answer! The fire at my birthday. I must've escaped it and acquired the bruises. But why the shrink? Why even bother to spill my guts out to a shrink afterwards and why didn't anyone know where I was?

"Accident? My dear! What happened? Are you alright?"

"Yes. But for some inhumane reason, I know that something bad will happen tonight. I'm meeting this person... She might help me. She already has. I mean, she helped me last night. During the accident. She protected someone I love."

"Your cousin?"

"No. My kid sister. She helped me save her. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." I heard the awful sobbing noises on the other end. I must've started crying.

But what was I saying? Some girl saved my kid sister? But Sophie died that night. She died with our parents.

"I made mistakes. Horrible mistakes with my friends, the guys I date, my family. Everyone."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Merci."

"But we pay for our mistakes, don't we? And I have to pay mine."

"Merci, why are you leaving?"

"I have to go now. I can't  risk staying much longer." 

"Merci! Stop! Why are you doing this?" Dr. Muria pleaded. I hear the door creak open. Footsteps muffled.

"Because I'm ready now, Dr.Muria. I'm ready to pay my mistakes." A moan. " I have to go. Thank you for parting your time with me. I suppose we should keep this strictly confidential, right?" A pause." Good. That's what I thought."

"Why even schedule this appointment, Mercicus?" 

After a minute or two, I wondered if I left or if Dr. Muria turned the recorder off. But I could still hear the ticking of her office clock and heavy breathing.

I was about to get the CD out when I heard my reply. My own blood pounding reply.

"The same reason why I asked you to tape our conversation. To keep a memory."