I beg thee not to siege the deepest spot in me
The weakest and filled only with sweet romance
As only betrayal awaits the end
Just as I begun craving for more.
I beg thee not to steal from me
My spirit, my soul
My dignity, pride and arrogance
The fearsome defences shredded to pieces
Never to be whole again.
I was officially dumped. My feelings for her went berserk, acutely replaced with strong aching pulses of betrayal. It must be difficult for her too, because I rarely saw her even within the hostel ever since. Maybe she didn't return to hostel at all, maybe she decided to study till wee hours at the Science Blocks. Either way, I didn't try to find out. We were over.
As examinations were around the corner, I mostly stayed with Kris and Faizal for group study. SS still remained consistent and did not shift into turbo study gear. I guess he didn't need to, being from RI previously.
One afternoon, Faizal went off to play soccer as de-stressing exercise and left us at the usual hangout.
"Soccer more important or grades more important?" Kris was bewildered. In unison, we replied, "soccer!" though I quickly pointed to Faizal and added, "But only for him, not me." I shrugged innocently.
We laughed and Faizal high-fived with me, as if I was the only one who could understand him.
"Feeling better?" Kris suddenly spoke with concern shortly after Faizal left. Yeah, Kris should be the only one who could understand in our clique. Faizal and SS never dated before.
"Did you keep in contact with Rin?" I evaded the question. If I felt better, I wouldn't have traced her name on the pile of lecture notes in front of me. But it would seem like a loser if I admitted this to Kris. She would feel that I'm lost in self-pity. She would look down on me.
"Yeah. She told me she's good, preparing for her finals too." Kris looked up from the Business Laws and Ethics, Third Ed that she was holding to check whether was a need to switch to a new conversation topic.
"Good." I concluded honestly. Rin must live happily from now on, because I had absorbed all the sorrow in her life into mine currently. It would be a sacrifice in vain if she wasn't satisfied with the outcome she chose.
"We can go out together after the examinations…" Kris said carefully while she brought the book closer to her face, observing my reactions through the corner of her eyes. "Me, you, Faizal, SS, and Rin."
"No way," I said firmly. I'm not intending to turn up in any of those. "Never."
"Never?" Kris mimicked my words romantically to SS and Faizal before laughing together. Examinations were just over, and after the last paper they dragged me out to catch a movie. Kris asked Rin along too, without telling her I would be there. She still thought Rin and I stands a chance.
"I can feel it Zack. She really likes you. You should trust a girl's instincts," Kris would often recite this shit to me. Having said that, deep inside I would very much want to believe this shit too. I used to doodle Rin's Chinese name all over my lecture notes, tutorial sheets, or anything made of paper for that matter. In short, she'd stolen something from my heart that I couldn't reclaim, making it impossible for me not to think about her each day.
After weeks of not meeting Rin, I really wanted to see her too, even though I would never admit to anyone about it. I wanted to see whether she gained/lost weight, whether she had grown taller, paler, or tanner. Whether she was still the same Rin I knew, and whether… she was still single and available.
And she came.
We waited for her outside the cinema of Jurong Point shopping mall. She was slightly late and rushed there in green T-shirt and shorts, with a sling bag. She definitely became paler, weaker, and… she looked smaller than usual. Perhaps the two weeks of gruelling examinations had caused her fatigue, or maybe being with Dane was twice more tiring than with me. I was joking. Anyway, she slowed down upon seeing me among the crowd. I felt ashamed. It felt like I've cheated her to come for the outing.
I knew that the last person she wanted to see on Earth was me.
Rin said hi to all of us, and tried to maintain her smile. Unfortunately, the pair of eyes that I was so attracted to never ever met mine throughout the outing. I tried not to sit opposite her when we had dinner at a food court after the movie, fearing it would be awkward if we did not talk to each other then.
I kept reminding myself that we were not like before anymore. I could no longer wipe tomato sauce off her lips. No longer buy chocolates for her. No longer see paper planes flying into my room.
Perhaps Faizal noticed this and started quizzing Rin about bacteria and viruses. Of course, all of us could see he was just trying to entertain Rin and distract her from my presence. I listened attentively.
She did not change. Rin was still the brave princess-warrior that I fell madly in love with. The only thing could be she seemed to have gotten over me. Fast, quick, and decisive. While for me, it's slow, slower, and slowest. My guardian angel abandoned her post. I felt wretched and lonely just by thinking about this.
We parted ways after that. SS volunteered to send Rin back while I walked Kris home. Faizal would be meeting up with his kakis for some late night soccer match. That was predictable, since he'd worn his favourite Messi jersey.
I walked with Kris slowly along the pavement, carefully minding every step, without really saying anything. It was a pretty secluded path in Clementi. As I thought about Rin, I found tears coming to my eyes… tears that evaded me for so long since the night I was dumped. I couldn't control myself anymore. All of a sudden, I took Kris arm and forcibly dragged her close to my chest. I hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead. I didn't know what was wrong with me, to substitute a good friend for my ex-girlfriend. Kris initially had this irritated and disgusted look but didn't resist, as if she understood. It's terribly wrong of me, but I finally found some comfort in Kris… Tears rolled down uncontrollably, blurring my spectacled vision.
Why did all my relationships had to end up this way.
