Kristy and I behaved as if nothing happened on that night after that. We did not contact one another as winter vacations commenced. SS went for an overseas piano performance, while Faizal worked part-time in a restaurant. I decided to train for my IPPT and followed a strict swimming cum jogging regimen.
Sometimes when I jogged along East Coast, I will still think of Rin. I would stop at the place where she saved me, and dig my feet into the sands, letting the approaching wave of current mercilessly wash away the surrounding sand. Sometimes, I would lie down and listen to the angry tidal waves, and hope they take away all my sorrows.
After about a week, my brother was caught in a gang fight and was convicted. My youngest sister took it the hardest as she was really close to both my brother and I. Ever since our parents divorced, we lived with Dad who often hit and abuse my poor sis especially after alcohol consumption.
So it might be good to have broken up with Rin. Maybe she would be the same as Carinne, and that would be a more devastating breakup.
Am I unconsciously blaming Rin for everything? I'm not sure, frankly. It would have been easier had she been by my side, but she's not. I'm tired of blaming myself too. Ever since Dad began his abuse on sis, I'd always felt useless. But many things in life is like that – there're things that fall within our control, there're those which do not… We're just pawns of Destiny and could only follow through it.
That day when bro was convicted, Dad went drinking again. I tried cooking dinner for my sis (she refused to let me leave her sight or step out of the house). For the first time, I suddenly felt handicapped, not being able to even fry an egg. We had run out of instant noodles too. Rin's image started appearing in my mind. I needed her… yet now with our present status, I really had no reason to call her up.
The more I tried cooking, the smokier the kitchen became. Either the fish was overcooked, or I forgot to remove its scales. I gave up, ordering pizzas instead. There were a lot of leftovers, since my sis only ate a few bites and I had no appetite too.
I coaxed my sis to sleep that night. She was only eleven, and I knew that all these continuous nightmares were deeply implicating her spiritual growth. She's innocent and defenceless against the constant assaults of harsh reality. I stroked her forehead while she slept… and unclenched her fists that were holding tightly to my T-shirt.
Forgive me, sis, for being such a useless bro.
The avalanche of misfortunes continued. Dad did not return home that night, and a neighbour came to our house urgently, telling us that Dad had collapsed at the void deck. Desperate, I gave Kris a call, explaining the situation to her. She spared no time and appeared in my house with a small bag, volunteering to spend a few days in my house to look after my sis.
By that time, Dad was already sent to the hospital. The doctor told me that he drunk too excessively without knowing he had undiagnosed severe liver cirrhosis. They had little choice, and told me to prepare for the worst. All of a sudden, life came tumbling down. And all that I ever wanted, all that I yearned for, a peaceful complete family, seemed shattered.
I made my way home after settling admission procedures in Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Anyway, my dad was placed in critical care ward and was unconscious. I had little to do there. Before I unlocked the gate, I tried telling myself to look happier. I mustn't alarm my sis.
What I saw was a little shocking as I opened the door. The house became neater, cleaner, and the air had a faint stream of fragrance coming from the plates of dishes on the dining table. Kris was walking out of the kitchen and unfastening the apron when she saw me.
"How's uncle?" she asked and placed her hand on my arms, leading me towards the sofa. I then summarized what the doctor said and collapsed on the sofa. It had been a long day, and I haven't fully understood the new reality portrait. Kris nodded knowingly.
She slept with my sis that night, while I stayed up in my bedroom, calculating how long my bank savings could last us. I probably had to search for a part-time job soon, the only problem being who'd look after my sister then. Couldn't always rely on Kris, especially after school reopens. I'm already very grateful to her for tidying up the house, whipping dishes and everything. Have to think of something else.
It was the longest night I ever had.
"Here," Kris said next morning as she handed me something. It turned out to be a $7,000 cheque.
"Kris, I can't…" I began as I gently pushed it back to her. "I can't take your money, and I can take up a part time job. You don't have to…"
"Zack, you must take it. If not I won't be able to answer to someone."
"Who?"
"Rin."
It turned out that Kris messaged Rin about my plight and she slipped a cheque into my house in the middle of the night, before messaging Kris to take it. I guess, Rin still treated me as her good friend, even though we broke up. I shifted my eyes to my sis, whom I swore to protect and take good care of. If its Kris, I would reject it without hesitation… But if it's from Rin, well, somehow, it felt different… apart from the cash, the thought that Rin still cared about me warmed my heart.
I accepted the cheque. Kris gave a sweet smile, and ushered me towards the breakfast she prepared.
Dad passed away after nine days in critical condition. Bro was also sentenced to 8 weeks in jail, since he was already seventeen years old. I found a part time job in a café near my house. The pay wasn't fantastic, but with the extra cash I borrowed from Rin together with my own savings, I could finance the family for some time.
A new year begun, and schooling days resumed too. Due to financial constraints and work, I couldn't stay in the hostel anymore. That did not stop SS and Faizal from visiting my house from time to time, helping me tutor and play with my sis. I felt deeply touched that they still hung around me. I heard from them that Rin did not stay in hostel anymore too. Well…
Kris continued to take care of sis and would come during the weekends to cook some fantastic dishes. She would perform impossible feats with the mop and broom too. I became closer and closer to her. Soon, we started dating.
It wasn't the bittersweet intense love or the roller coaster romance like the times with Rin. It was pure and steady, like a stream of slow moving river. It's peaceful and calm. Many times I would question myself whether I still had feelings for Rin. However, I concluded that those were unnecessary thoughts, for Rin had chosen her path, and so did I. And these paths… would no longer converge anymore.
Valentine's day swiftly approached. Even with my financial difficulties, I should get something for Kris, something to thank her for being by my side throughout these trying few months. I drew both of us on a plain white mug with water resistant paint, sitting on a cloud watching over a crowded busy city underneath. That is the sweetest thing to me, to be able to escape from the meaningless things we do and just being with the person we like most.
It was just a day to Valentine's, and I was touching up the last portion of drawing on the mug, when Kris suddenly rushed into my room, sobbing.
"Z-Zack, Ri.. Rin. S-Sh.. She collapsed in the h-hospital.. She… She…"
I dropped the mug, which shattered into tiny pieces together with my dream.
When we rushed to the hospital, Rin had already gone. Her parents were sobbing, hugging on to the pink laptop Rin would always carry with her. I couldn't take it, kneeling onto the ground and cried. Words no longer mean anything in the ward room. My heart, with more than half of it given to Rin, felt like it would stop pumping any moment.
Her parents knew me. Her mum came up to me even though she's still crying, and pushed the laptop to me.
I had never asked myself why, even though Rin was a science student and always printed out her lecture notes, would need to carry the laptop everywhere she went. Now, the question came too late, but the answer presented itself in front of me anyway, after I flipped open the LCD lid.
It was Rin's diary.
