𝕋𝕠𝕠 𝕄𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕂𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕐𝕠𝕦 ~ 𝕄𝕒𝕪𝕝𝕠𝕣

ROGERS POV

this chapter is depresso :)

I lay there on my bed as i texted brian. i'm so useless. i shouldn't exist, yet here i am. wasting away. the world doesn't need someone like me... i'm only here so i can get beat up and pushed around by everyone else. these thoughts all fill my mind, and i feel a tear forming in my eye. nobody understands me, and no one ever will. nobody thinks i'm good enough for anything. they expect too much from me. i just cant do it anymore... i text brian one more message, and then turn my phone off. i didn't just lock it, i powered it off. i drop my phone and then burst into tears. i try not to make too much noise, or my brother might hear me and call me a wimp, and that could escalate to something much worse. i lay, huddled up there on my side, in the dark. nobody really loves me. i press my face into my pillow and cry into it. i'm just a useless piece of shit that nobody wants. i was born by mistake. my parents didn't mean for me to exist. i turn over on my side, grab my hair, and pull it really hard just to try and take my mind off these thoughts. i'm clenching my teeth so hard, that i'm sure they're about to split. maybe i should just go and die... but death is scary, and i dont want to feel pain... so here i am... wondering if i should just kill myself or not... if i kill myself, it would probably be extremely painful, and then my family might finally realize how terribly they've been treating me... but then it wouldn't matter anymore, because I would already be dead... but then where would I spend eternity? supposedly if you kill yourself, you go straight to hell. but i don't want to spend eternity in hell. if i didn't kill myself, then i would have to stay in this horrible cold world, and take everything it has to offer. i pretty much live in hell already, so if i kill myself, i'd just be spending eternity in it. i just can't figure out which is worse. at this point, my pillow is soaked in tears. now i'll have to go get a different one. there are a couple extra pillows in my closet, but i'm just too sad to move. maybe i'll just stay here until tomorrow morning. I lay there at the edge of my bed for about 3 hours, and then finally decide to get my pyjamas on and go to sleep. but its only 7:00... who cares. i probably need sleep anyway.

♦️♠️♥️

I wake up and just lay there, wanting to go back to sleep. i don't want to be awake. my blinds are closed tight, so the only light source is the little crack between the door and the doorframe. i never replaced my pillow so its still damp from yesterday. my phone fell off the side of my bed in the middle of the night, but i'll just leave it there. i have a look at the time on my watch and its 9:46 am. i flop back on my pillow and try to go back to sleep anyway. as i'm closing my eyes, i hear banging on my door. it startles me. "WAKE UP YOU DUMB SHIT!! YOU STILL HAVEN'T CLEANED 2 BATHROOMS" its my brother. my dad probably told him to wake me up. i groan as i throw the covers off of myself and sit up. i slowly stand up, and mope around the room, eventually getting myself over to the blinds to open them a bit. i open them so that theres just enough light to see. i can tell my eyes are still puffy from crying myself to sleep yesterday. i lean over on my dresser and look at myself in my mom's little handheld mirror I left sitting there yesterday. i look like a fucking disaster as always. i take off my pyjamas and put on some clothes. i'm not even paying attention to what i'm wearing. i put on a deep purple hoodie and some really old ripped jeans. (i didn't buy them ripped, they got ripped from scuffing on asphalt and getting caught on random objects.) i go downstairs and get myself a bowl of cereal. my dad isn't home today. (thank fuck for that) he's out with his friends today. he still has my car. he's probably got a scratch on it already. the only type of cereal in the cupboard is Cornflakes, and there aren't many of them left either. I wonder what brian could be doing right now.

dear god you guys like to comment... keep doing it.

Also im currently reading IT. and i actually cant get my nose out of this book.