Diaries: Colors

Feelings & Plans

"Wait

Now my thoughts so cloudy

And my heart's so crowded with pain

I am so frustrated

Like my soul's been taken away

Broken promise of everything

That I thought you were

Thought you said this would never hurt

That's what it did

That is all..."

Jhené Aiko x 3:16am

May 16th

Well, the symptoms have rolled in. The sickness, body aches, weight gain, bloating, the emotional roller coaster. You name it, I've probably got it. I'm not showing that much obviously but I am slowly gaining weight & I don't like it one bit. No one has asked about it yet probably because they think that all the food I eat is catching up to me. But my mom & I know the truth & I wish she didn't. She's been blackmailing me with my secret. That cunning old woman. I don't feel bad that I haven't told Jacob because since that little incident about a week ago, ( *Does Shmoney dance* ) I guess he likes being drunk because he's coming home drunk more often. He actually almost threw Christian out of the window for not talking to him like he wanted him to. I prayed as hard as I could when I went after him to get my child back. I was scared for him, me, & the unborn child inside of me. When I finally got him back, I'd been slapped by my own husband. JACOB PEREZ HIT ME. At first, I was in shock but the second it really set in, I told the kids to go to the car & I packed some stuff from their & my room. I had to get through a furious Jacob but I made it out & guess where I'm at now? My mother's house. There was no way that we were staying in a house with an abusive, drunken idiot. I refuse to put my family in any type of danger. Period. And to think that we were getting better. Yeah right.

"What are you thinking about?" asked June.
"The person I used to be married to," I responded coldly.
"Oh. What happened with him?"
"Well, we were happily married for 5 years & then he just changed out of nowhere. He cheated on me with some blonde bxtch at his job, her name was Ashley, & then after we made up, he decides to get drunk once & stay drunk. He almost threw Chris out of a window."

She gasped loudly & I nodded as if to tell her that this really happened. She held my hand & told her how I felt about the whole situation.

"I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. At first when I felt that way, after he made it up to me that we were going to be okay. But now... I just don't know anymore. I'm not going to endanger my kids with his recklessness. What is wrong with him? Not to be conceited but I am the perfect wife. I do things around the house, I take care of the kids, I go to work, I ride him like a pro--"
"TMI, honey."
"Right, sorry but I don't understand. I make sure that we don't have too many differences because that sets yourself up for constant arguments, & don't keep things the same too long either because that makes the relationship boring. I swear it feels like now, no matter how hard I try, he doesn't what I give him. I even gave him 2 beautiful kids & am giving him one more on the way & it seems like he doesn't want those either. Well, besides the fact that he doesn't know about the one on the way yet. But the point is I feel like the love is one sided & I'm not tripping this time," I ranted.
"This sounds like a completely different man right here," she said.
"I know right. He needs some time to himself so he can get his act together because this is uncalled for."
"I know. I feel really bad for the kids, too. Do they know what's going on?"
"I don't think that they do but if anyone knows it's Tristian. She saw what happened with Christian & I know she's putting the pieces together."
"Yeah," she agreed. "She's really smart & so is Chris but he doesn't really voice his opinion as much as Tris does."
"Yeah, I know. It worries me sometimes but sometimes it amazes me, too."
"Yeah. The kid is something else," she chuckled.

My phone rings but I am careful not to answer it. I check the caller ID & my heart cringes. I see 'Papí Jay😘😍👅💦🙊👉👌🙌💁💆👫👪💏💑🙋👰💋💕❤️💛💚💙💜💍💎💌👑😂' come up on the screen & I'm tempted to answer. This is like the 40th time he's called me... Today. But I take my phone & decline the call. Sighing deeply, June rubs my back & I give in to her touch. I lay my head in her shoulder & just cry, something I've been doing a lot lately.

"I think you need a girls' night out," June suggested.
"More like a week out," I complained.
"I can do that for you if you want. Just tell me who you want there & I'll have everything planned out."
"How about you, Nicole, & me?"
"That's it?" she asked.
"Yeah. You guys are my closest friends & family," I explained.
"Okay then. Where do you want it at?"
"Well, obviously not my house, unless I know for a fact that Jacob is gone. Then we'll stay there for a day & move on to whoever wants to have it at their house next. Does that sound good?"
"Yeah, it does. I'll call up Nicole & we can get things started," she says, using my phone to call Nicole.

Just a little filler because school is kinda kicking my ass so yeah. Thanks for reading, loves & keep on reading. Deuces✌️❤️

_Zee❤️💛💚💙💜