Your Friend, Jordan

Twelve

I curled my knees up to my chest while I lied awake in my bed, in the middle of the day. Staring towards the wall, I was in a blank stare, a blank state of mind as I couldn't focus on anything else. It had already been a few days since the news had emerged in our town, and Jordan had been found. I stayed home, I barely left my bed as I was still in my usual fog of confusion, sadness and hurt. Guilt, and sorrow. I was sad. I was upset Jordan was dead, I was sad that he was gone as dread filled inside of me. I couldn't believe it still, I couldn't handle it, I couldn't deal with it. I could barely wrap my head around the idea, it just didn't feel real to me; nothing did.

  The dull light from the outdoors crept into my room threw the slits in my curtains, but for the most part my room was dark. I didn't bother getting up and opening them, I didn't bother getting up at all. I felt stuck, like I just couldn't move, I couldn't get up. Like physically, as if I was sick and too weak. But at the same time I just wasn't in the mood to get moving and start my day, I wasn't in the mood to do anything except lie there, and just stare blankly at my wall.

  The smell of my cold food from the night before lingered to my nose suddenly, and my stomach only churned more. I wasn't hungry, I hadn't eaten for days. I knew something was wrong, for I usually became hungry after only hours of finishing a meal. But at the same time I hadn't been feeling that way for the past few weeks, every since the incident before. I hadn't been eating well at all recently, but it seemed for the past few days my diet was even worse, the only meals consisted of water, and that was it. I just wasn't in the mood to eat either, I wasn't in the mood for anything, which seemed to freak my parents out, while they constantly watched over me. Keeping my bedroom door open, I could feel their presence sometimes in the doorway of my room, just watching over me. I knew they could feel for me, I knew it hurt them to see me like this. However there was nothing I could do, I wasn't going to hide it, or fake how I was really feeling. I had been doing that for weeks by now, and this time, the situation was too big that I couldn't mask these feelings.

  Troy: 'hey, where are you? Why haven't you been in school?'
  Ethan: 'James, seriously, answer us. What's going on?'
  Daniel: 'I know you're upset man, but that doesn't mean you can just skip out. We need you here. The team needs you here too. Come on. Answer us.'
  Troy: missed call
  Daniel: 2 missed calls

  My phone kept going off all day, as well as the past few days. Between my friends texting and calling me, my phone constantly vibrated and flashed, trying to get my attention. But I left it on my dresser next to my bed, and I didn't look at it or answer at all. I didn't want to talk to them, or anyone for that matter. I just wanted to be left alone, for people to get on with their lives and let me be. I just needed my time, my time to think things over and to process everything.

The thing was, it was different for me. Loosing Jordan was different, I didn't just lose my friend like Troy, Ethan and Daniel felt. I had lost a sibling almost. I had lost my brother. That's what it felt like. I lost a piece of my family, and I would never get that back. Yes, Jordan and I's relationship recently had been.....complicated. I hated him in a way, I hated what happened between us and what he did. But I didn't hate him, not quite. I don't think I could have ever hated him. No matter how mad I was at him, how angry and hurt, he was still Jordan, the kid I met in the first grade. The kid that stuck up for me when I was being picked on, my first real friend. I couldn't let that go. I couldn't forget all the great times together, there were much more of those then bad times. We were always there for one another, through the best and worst times. How could I just forget about all of those? I couldn't.

  However, at the same time, these past few months hadn't been the greatest for us. We had had multiple rough patches, and one in particular that still scarred me now. I couldn't forget that time either, and that very incident, that one day, that one time seemed to destroy all the good memories I had with Jordan in the past. That one horrible time seemed to ruin our friendship, all the good times before. I didn't know how to feel. I was sad, but wasn't at the same time. I was depressed, upset that he was gone. Devastated, but relieved at the same time. I don't know. I wasn't sure exactly how to feel about it all. My feelings confused the hell out of me, and I think I lied there staring at my blank wall for the longest time, just trying to figure out my feelings about the situation the most.