Breaking Order

Chapter 9: "My body's missing pieces"

I hated to admit it, but I was sore the next day, much sorer than I'd been in a long time. It felt good in a way, besides the fact that I couldn't sleep on my right side and every movement made the throbbing ache in my torso worse.

Car was still sulking from remorse even though I'd told him repeatedly that I was fine and that he needed to suck it up.

When I got out of the shower, there he was, leaning against the door frame while looking decidedly broody.

"What?" I hissed, realizing my tone was shorter than I intended for it to be. When I caught him staring at my injured side, I involuntarily moved my hand to cover the massive bruise. My efforts had little impact considering the size of injury, and his scowl only deepened.

Great, more moping was on its way.

"That's really bad, Mer," he said, guilt heavy in his voice.

"I told you, I'm fine!" I nearly yelled it at him, "If you insist on hovering, then I'm going to fucking move out, do you hear me?"

Ok, so it was an empty threat. I wouldn't want to move out.

Car sighed then crossed the space between us in a few steps. I expected him to growl or say something about how I shouldn't be so stubborn and that he wasn't going to play with me anymore.

Instead, he surprised me by leaning over and gently resting his head on my shoulder, burying his face in my neck and carefully wrapping his arm around my good side.

"I'm really sorry," he said in a small, weak voice.

I sighed before putting my arms around him as best I could and holding him.

"I know you are, King Vampire. I know." I patted his back as he nestled closer to my neck, my wet hair sticking to his face in dark strands.

After a moment's hesitation, he spoke, mumbling against the spot right under my ear, "I don't suppose you'll humor this old man and say you won't play with me anymore?"

I laughed. "Not a chance, pal."

He sighed. "Fine. I'll have to be more careful next time, then."

I smiled as I kissed the side of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair as I did.

"Car, I'm not as fragile as you think."

"I know you're not...It's just the fact that it was me. I was the one who hurt you. You don't know what I was like before, what I did. I...I couldn't live with myself if I did those things to you."

His words made me pause. I'd harbored a burning curiosity about his past for a long time, but I was willing to continue waiting patiently until he was ready to divulge his secrets.

When I didn't say anything, he continued speaking, voice even quieter than before, "What if it happens again? What if I hurt you again?"

I hugged him tight. "It might. Actually, it probably will, but that happens, Car. I'll know you never meant to hurt me."

"This was one of the reasons I was so worried about us, Meriwa. I'm not good. I've done..." He trailed off.

"You've done what?" I prodded gently.

He then pulled back and looked away pensively, eyes fixed on a spot of the tiled wall.

Even as he started speaking, he kept staring at that spot, "I don't know if I can tell you, Mer. I...I just want you to know how sorry I am is all."

Exhaling heavily through my nose, I decided to let it go for now. I wasn't about to force it out of him, especially since I was standing where there was a chill in the air while naked and dripping, and he very clearly wasn't ready.

I stepped back a little further, my movement causing him to return his gaze to me. "Do you love me?" I asked, insecurity I hadn't realized I felt coloring my voice.

He frowned, "Yes, of course I do."

"And I love you, so then don't worry about it right now. Stop talking."

When he didn't say anything else, I spoke, "Good boy. Now, go make me some oatmeal while I dry off and put some goddamn clothes on."

His smile returned. The grin was faint, but it was there enough for me to notice as he turned and headed out of the bathroom to diligently follow my orders.

As I watched his back as he retreated, I added, "And you're a fool for hugging me while I was all wet. Your shirt is soaked."

He didn't look back as he replied, "Totally worth it."

I smiled at his form as he wandered away. 

Now, where the hell had I put my towel?

*********

As we lay in bed later, I finally addressed the issue.

"Hey, Car?" I asked quietly as I absently traced his tattoos.

"What is it?"

"Can I ask you something?" I said, voice still uncharacteristically weak. 

He looked over to regard me. In the darkness, I could barely make out his features, but I could see enough to read concern on face.

His trepidation made sense. I was hardly ever quiet, so he probably knew something big was coming.

"Anything," he replied, "You can always ask me anything."

In response, I took a cleansing breath. Here went nothing. "Well, it's just, you know everything about me...literally everything. And, I know so little about you except that you and that vampire dick Berislav were turned by the same vampire, Philomena. Oh, and that you're 702 years old and Irish. That's it."

He looked away absently for a moment, appearing deeply conflicted. I sensed that he wanted to share, had wanted to share for a long time. But, something made him hesitate.

"You don't have to-" I started to say.

"No," he cut me off gently, "No, you deserve to know everything about me too. It's just...I've never told anyone about my past, and..." He stopped to give me a complex look as he tightened his arms around me. "...I don't want it to change your opinion of me. I'm not nice. I've done unspeakably horrible things, Mer. I didn't always have a conscience. Philomena robbed me of that."

I one arm hugged him before speaking, "I expected as much, but I love you. My life is...too short for me to let your past ruin the way I feel about you presently. We won't lose this, Car."

He scowled deeply at my words. We'd never broached the subject of my own mortality before. I was immune to vampirism, so I'd never become immortal. I would keep getting older and older until one day it would just end for me. Something would snuff me out of existence, but Car would keep going.

That was a conversation we'd have to have another day.

After recovering for a moment, he finally sighed, resigned to the fact that he was about to lay bare his soul. "Well, I suppose there's only one thing to do now. Promise me, though, that if this changes things between us, you'll tell me. I'd hate to think you're staying with me when it wasn't what you wanted."

I resumed tracing the tattoo on his arm, not realizing I'd stopped at some point during our conversation. "It'll all be ok." I assured him.

He let out a deep sigh. "Then I'll begin..."