She's Still My Affinity

I Got a Heart Rush and it ain't Slowing Down

"What are you doing here?" Fanny said while opening the door wearing only a nightgown, and meeting a cheerful Alexandre.

"I brought pizza, extra cheese" - He said very matter of fact, and entering like a landlord leaving behind a quite confused Fanny.

"Do you realize it's 2am right?"

"Of course, but it's pizza, perfect at any time"

Fanny couldn't tell if this was some kind of twisted dream, but if it was, at least, it didn't envolve Catherine.

"You know what? Fine, I'll go for the wine"

"That's the spirit" - Alexandre encouraged whit already a bit of cheese hanging in his mouth.

After an odd dinner, Fanny finally broke the suffocating silence.

"Ok, pizza is over, cut the bullshit and tell me why you're here"

Alexandre just sighed and decided to go for a brutal honesty.

"I knew you couldn't sleep, I'm not only your employee, I am your friend, even if it is just one sided."

At that, Fanny had the delicacy of looked ashamed.

"It is not one sided ..." - She said given a short but trueful smile.

He smiled back, searched for her hand and squeezed it.

"Then tell me, that's what friends are for right? I'm not here to judge nor condemn, just listen" - She looked insecure while listening to his words, so Alexandre decided to continue. - "Perhaps, whatever it is that it haunts you, it will go if you say it aloud, let those memories become words, let them be free, so you'll finally can move on."

Although she did not give an answer to his speech, her eyes showed how her mind processed everything, a small great battle between giving in or continuing with a pattern that until now had only been destructive.

Alexandre saw this, he knew how easily could be for Fanny to put up the barriers again.

"Don't do this, don't lock yourself up, stop carrying the world on your shoulders, stop, just for a second of trying to be the stronger woman."

Fanny's body had tensed at that, and as usual, she scoffed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, if it is about her, well, sorry to disappoint you, but it was nothing."

Alexandre inspected Fanny's face for a moment, searching for a crack, and for any regular eye, there wouldn't be any, but he knew how good of an actress this woman could be, 'she really deserves an Oscar' he thought.

"Alright, let's play your game, so it was, just a ... what you should call it? a fling?"

She looked at him waiting for a punchline, a contingency. Alexandre faced her scrutiny with his own clear, unblinking gaze.
At this point she knew, he would make any enjoyable evening an uphill war.

"You won't drop it, won't you?" - She said resigned.

"No, I won't ..."

The flicker of hope that he might be say 'I'll stop' dimmed and she sighed dramatically.

The sex with Catherine was fantastic, and Fanny was glad to have somewhere, someone to escape to who was not so tied up in her own dramas.
Catherine had her own secrets, certainly; a woman does not live to be their age without a walk-in closet full of skeletons. But Fanny saw no reason to involve herself with Catherine's private affairs; not when their relationship was purely physical. A 'hook-up,' or 'friends with benefits,' or even a 'booty call' were all terms she had heard Alexandre throw out over the years, and she relished the fact that such charming colloquialisms could now be applied to her once drab love life.

That is, until two months since they began to sleep together. Fanny had fallen into the habit of spending at least three evenings a week in Catherine's house, often staying the night more due to a real desire to stay at the blonde's side than laziness and fatigue. One Saturday morning, Fanny had woken in Catherine's bed to find it empty. This was not so unusual, except that lately the two had made a routine of kissing each other goodbye before parting their separate ways. Fanny pushed away the twinge of irritation at being abandoned without so much as a wave. It was Catherine's prerogative to leave whenever she wanted. It was her house, after all. They both had things to do, places to be...

Fanny's thoughts were interrupted by the overpowering look of Alexandre on her, she gave him a so tired little smile.

"I'm still not ready to talk about her, but I'll give you right, it was more, so much more"

Alexandre decided to drop the subject for now, and made her a cup of tea.

He realized too late that Fanny's whole body was trembling. Fanny's hand shook so much on taking the mug that the hot liquid splashed over the side, wetting the floor. Alexandre reached out and steadied her hand, hushing her friend's automatic string of expletives.

"Easily mended" - He said, while looking for a towel to quickly clean up the little mess, the action did little to settle Fanny, however; her eyes, red and darkly rimmed, darted every which way without landing on anything specific. If Alexandre didn't know any better, he would think Fanny had become slave to some sort of addictive love potion.

"You need to sleep, darling" - He said, guiding Fanny to sit at the table.

Fanny shook her head.

"I'm perfectly capable of setting my own bedtime" - Fanny's scowl was raw as ever, framed by an exhausted pallor.

Alex tried to meet her glare with one of equal fortitude, but Fanny had always been the reigning champion of staring matches. He blinked and shifted his attention to the tea. - "Of course you are."

Triumphant, Fanny continued - "I'll see you tomorrow, first thing in the morning" - and before he had the chance to reply, she walked away to her room.

Once there, she went out to the balcony, such a typical autumn's night it was.

Outside, the skies had opened up to a light drizzle, coating the streets in a metallic shimmer.

Fanny wiped a wet strand of hair from her eyes.
She stared at the empty night, her heart pounding. An anguish was rising in her chest, threatening to overflow. She turned her face up to the rain and let the drops fall onto her skin, letting them invade her vision, turning everything into a blur of lights and color. She stood in that position for a long time, praying the rain find its way to her mind, to blur the memories there, too.

She was so tired. So tired of feeling, so tired of not knowing what that knot in her throat meant. She just wanted the endless nightmare to end. She took a few steps, then some more and found her way back to her bedroom.

But no matter how hard she tried, Catherine's face and the prospect of seeing her again in just a couple of hours stayed etched in her brain, until that was all she could see.