Surrender Your Heart (Erwin Smith X Reader)

8-Selfish

Okay, guys it's been a while. I know I am just awuful and I deserve the worst for not updating. I just made a suuuper long chapter to compensate. It is more like a transitional chapter to get to more spicy things later. Hope you like it.

Each day we are a step closer to our objective. The problem is we do not know how many steps there are left. Our next move will be to go back to Shiganshina and try to take it back. Lately we have been able to gather more information on Titans and who are the enemies we are after.

I must confess lately I have been feeling unsettled. I am not able to sleep properly. I have always had trouble sleeping, but this is different.

However, I try not to overthink. It is hard to overthink when Erwin is around. These days he has been so busy we almost don't get to spend a lot of time together, but I know when this mission is over, we may be able to relax a little.

I put on my boots. Today I will train with my 3D gear. I am so used to training in my titan form that sometimes I do not exercise enough my human abilities. I go to the woods with some colleagues. The trees here are quite tall and randomly distributed, so that when we use our maneuvers in a city, it will be easier with the buildings, which are distributed more uniformly.

In the beginning, everything goes well. I am a little rusty, but I just need to adjust myself.

Then, suddenly and out of nowhere, my vision gets blurry, my head starts spinning around and I feel like my lungs are frozen.

"(Y/N)!!!!! Are you okay?!?!?" I hear someone scream in the distance. I try to take control of my own body but each time I try, I fail. Eventually, I just give up and everything goes dark.

.............................................................................................................

Everything is still dark. But I hear someone mumbling. Finally, I am able to open my eyes. My vision is blurry for some seconds but then everything becomes neat. I am in my room. I look around. There is Erwin talking to a man in a white coat.

"She's awake" Erwin walks fast towards my bed "(Y/N), are you okay?"

"I..." my voice comes out a little hoarse "I guess I am. Why am I here?"

"(Y/N), you had an accident earlier. You fainted while using your 3D gear. You are lucky one of your colleagues got you before you reached the ground"

"Oh..." is the only thing I can say. I remember it. I was feeling awful, I lost control over my body, I was feeling so weak. "Can I ask the doctor a question?"

"Sure" the doctor takes a step towards me.

"Why do you doctors use white coats? Doesn't it get dirty too often? Oh oh, why don't you use like an impermeable material?"

The doctor chuckles and Erwin maintains his serious glance. Eventually, the doctor concludes I am okay and tells us to call for him in case it happens again or I start feeling bad again. Erwin is looking at the floor. I can tell he is upset.

"Are you mad at me?" I ask. He doesn't reply and just looks away.

"YOU COULD HAVE DIED, (Y/N). AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHY DOCTORS WEAR WHITE COATS?! IN WHAT WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?!" He never had talked to me like that before.

"Sorry I-I..." he just keeps on talking.

"This is not a fucking game, (Y/N). Everyone's life is at risk. In just a few days we are going to face the challenge of our lives and you just can't take it seriously"

"Erwin, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" I am interrupted again.

"It's so easy to think it's a game for you. You just have to be here for a while and then you will return to your comfortable and perfect life in Wall Sina" he is super upset. And he is going too far. "But this is my life, (Y/N). This is my reality. People have died. People are dying"

"Erwin, calm down" I try to stay calm myself, though I am about to smack that bitch up. But he is trapped in a vortex of anger and he won't stop. He looks at me directly in the eye.

"You were so selfish. Keeping that little secret of yours to yourself so you could live in a fairytale forever inside Wall Sina. Don't you feel any remorse?!"

I clench my teeth. I can't believe he just said that. Erwin. I feel the rage growing inside of me. There is an unbearable silence for what it looks like years. I finally sigh.

"You know, I might not come back home, Erwin" I say as calmly as possible.

"W-wha-what do you mean?" his expression changes dramatically from angry to confused.

"Do you know the impact being a shifter has on a human body? It is unbearable. I got my injection when I was 13. Lately, I have been working my ass off to get you guys out of this shithole. I don't have much time, Erwin" I look at him in the eyes, tears forming in them as my cheeks get hot.

"(Y/N) I..." he mumbles.

"No, you listen to me. Okay, it was selfish for me to want a perfect life with my perfect family in a perfect place for the little time I had left. I am so selfish. I was so selfish when I was 13 and wanted a home. I was so selfish when I decided to help YOU. That is exactly the way I pictured my last days on this Earth. Fighting, and bleeding, and watching my friends die instead of being with my loving parents home. I am so selfish to renounce to the life I chose. And I did it for YOU. For Bruno. For your father. For humanity. Not for me. And yet..." I chuckle "Yet I am so selfish"

He tries to get closer and touch my cheek but I turn away.

"Leave" I tell him. He hesitates. "JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yell and now the tears start streaming down my hot cheeks.

He walks away reluctantly and closes the door behind him.

I let myself cry as much as my body compels me to. I knew this was coming, and I knew I could not avoid it. And now everything is just so awful. Eventually my head hurts so much and my eyes are so sore that I fall asleep heavily.

.........

I wake up in the middle of the night. The moon shines bright through the window, but her light is so cold. It would be nice to take a walk outside. I get up and my body feels a little rusty but little by little I am able to move without effort. I open the door and walk outside.

And there he is. Sitting in a bench looking at the moon.

"Mind if I join you?" he turns around and sees me. He suddenly looks down with regret in his eyes. At his lack of response, I sit beside him. He just keeps looking down at his hand. I take it. It is so cold, he must have been outside for a while.

"I am sorry, (Y/N)" he looks at me with frustration.

"I am sorry too, Erwin. Come here" I hug him. It is the best feeling in the world, I had missed it so much.

"I am not going to let that happen to you" he says firmly. I just sigh at those words.

"Erwin, you are an amazing Commander, but you can't give orders to something like this and expect it to salute back" he grabs my shoulders.

"No. We are going to fix this. You are not coming to Shiganshina-" I want to protest but he does not let me interrupt him. "You are going to stay here, and rest as much as you can, and you have new orders. YOU are going to find a solution to this"

"Erwin, I-I have to go, it's my duty to-"

"Your duty is what I tell you it is. And now your duty is to stay and come up with a solution to that problem. It will benefit our people enormously. And...and" he hesitates "and I need you"

We melt into an impatient and passionate kiss. We are both confused and frustrated about what is going to happen. His hands run hungrily through my hair, my arms and my back.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he picks me up bridal style and starts walking towards the building.

"Erwin, what are you doing?" I ask amused.

"I am making you mine so that you have that in mind for when I get back. I think it will motivate you on your research. I am, too, unbelievably selfish"

What a crazy day...

Okay guys, adult content ahead...(and you know there is nothing like doing it after a good fight). (Also, before such a difficult mission in which Erwin *could* die...)