The Aziraphale Bible

Genesis pt. 4

Abram was a person.

Quick note I'm in a role play with PamLaufeysonOswin and Crowley has a son named Abraham which if you don't know Abram's name is changed to Abraham in the Bible at Genesis 17:5.

God started talking to Abe and said, "Hey go make big boi nation thanks my dude."

So Abe went. He went to oh Egypt. There was a famine in this land. He says to his wife, "Look, I know what a beautiful woman you are. The edgy folks will kill me to marry you. Just say you're my sister."

Yeah well they did that. They spoiled Abe because of this.

Well apparently something happened and they kicked him out and took everything. Oof.

Hey just to mention Abe is a very rich dude.

-wait didn't this dude create a religion

Okay skip ahead too many names for me to understand. All that matters is that Crowley was traveling at this part.

OOH SOME OF THAT GOOD TIMES KILLING BIRDS AND STUFF PRETTY SURE CROWLEY ATE ONE!!

Omg wait hold a sec here.

So Abe And his wife had this slave because that's what The All Mighty said. This kid ran away and here shows up Aziraphale. He says, "Oh dear... Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from and wherever are you headed to?"

She replies, "I'm running away from my misteess Sarai."

And Azi says, "Oh... unfortunately you must go back to your mistress and submit to her mistreatment. Good news for you is I will greatly multiply your offspring. You'll have a son and his name will be... Misha."

Gabriel then threw a bottle at Aziraphale and said, "Wrong name. That dude is way in the future."

Aziraphale nodded and said, "Uh... His name will be Ishmael. The Lord heard your crying. Your son will be a wild ass... oh um... okay then... His hand will be against everyone, and everyone's hand will be against him. He will live at odds with all his brothers... oh dear."

Abe named the baby Ishmael. Wow how shocking.

A/N: I'm uh writing this in school btw. Just ya know. Making sure that the lunch staff don't ask me about my blasphemy.

Oh okay so some culty surgical stuff goes on... this makes me uncomfortable. Woot. Crowley was disturbed by this and due to it he went into a feminine form.

She was very pretty too. Long, flowing ginger hair. Beautiful lips. An unusually sharp jawline that could cut my heart in two. Basically everyone had to admit they felt at least one of the seven deadly sins towards her.

Uh also some city wasn't destroyed. Poor Crowley could have been the reason it was but NOPE.

Two, angels entered this city. Gabriel and Michael. Some dude named Lot told them to wash their feet and go stay at Abraham's house, but the two angels said, "Nah we'd rather spend the night in the square."

Well they were ultimately convinced not to. They went and ate bread. Gabriel was offended by it, honestly.

Oh and then guess wut. All the men of Sodom wanted to do that weird naked wrestling with Michael and Gabriel.

Lot offered his daughters, and protected our bread eating angels. Eventually they had to pull Lot inside. Then they made the Big Bright Light™ happen.

Well then they told Lot to take his family and get the hecc out of there because they were going paint the sin town red.

Michael then told Lot and his family to run away.