My life.

11. Blame it on the alcohol... Right?

Present:
My father never called. Whenever he did it was for 1 of 3 reasons:
1) He was calling to say when we would next see him- rare
2) He was calling because my made him- unlikely
Or 3) He was calling to cancel- definitely likely

When we did next see him it was very unexpected. The past few months earlier my father had been going through depression and anxiety. It was so bad he couldn't leave the house. Wanna know why?
Because he thought his daughter hated him.
I was the cause for this shit!
Do you know how that made me feel?!
To come home every day and stand at my front door scared to go in and find myself being told that because of me he'd gone and killed himself?!
It fucked me up! I couldn't think straight!!

Anyway, I was told he was getting better until he showed up at our doorstep...
_______________________
Past:
My dad had come to the door while I was lying in bed, peacefully drifting off into an undisturbed sleep listening to MCR. I remember that as soon as I heard his voice, I had a mini panic attack and even considered jumping out of my bedroom window... Which would do much because there a small roof a metre away but....

I stayed in my room doing homework once I realised that he was staying the night. This way, if my mom told me to go and spend time with him I could just say "coursework" and she'd leave me to it. It was the perfect plan except for one flaw.
Meals.
In my house unless you are ill, you have to eat your meals downstairs. I know I could of just said I wasn't hungry but this is me we're talking about... I'm always hungry...

So the dinner was awkward. I just avoided all eye contact with my father and answered with blunt one word answers, though the second one is what I always do anyway so... Yeah... Eventually I'm going to guess my dad got upset because he went outside to have a cigarette and cry 😂 instead of talking to me to clear things up he goes away and cries like a 5 year old. I always said he needed to grow up :)

Once I had finished my dinner I put my dishes away and locked myself up into my room to do do "coursework"

The next day my mom decided that she wanted me to go grocery shopping with her. While out my mom told me something about my dad.... Are you ready for this? (You should already know because of the title... Unless your stupid...) he was a recovering alcoholic! I was NOT surprised and just carried on walking. I was so numb inside that I always expected the worst and felt nothing. I though he had cancel or something, but I! He was slowly killing himself with the knowledge of what he was doing!

Slow clap for my father everybody.