Addicted To Love

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The next morning, I feel him start to stir but I still haven't been to sleep. I feel him pull me closer and I start to sob again. I feel his hold on me tighten and he whispers "I got you baby girl." I pull away from him and sit up on the side of the bed. He sits up and says "Talk to me baby girl." I wipe the tears that fall and say "I don't know what to do Herm. The more I think about shit the more I want to use." I tell him. "We can hit a meeting if you want." he tells me. I just nod my head yes.

An hour later, we are in a meeting. "Anyone else like to share?" the mediator asks. I raise my hand before standing and heading to the podium. "I'm Shayne and I'm an addict." I say and feel a tear fall. I wipe it away quickly and say "The last few days have been really bad. All I seem to do is cry and it takes everything I can to not pick up the phone and call my dealer. I don't want to be here anymore." I say and I start to sob. Before I know it, I feel Herm's arms around me pulling me close to him. He whispers in my ear "I got you baby girl. Fuck. I promise I'll make it okay." he tells me and I collapse in his arms.

I get myself calmed down and it's just me, Herm and the moderator in the room. "I'm sorry." I say softly but don't look at them. "Don't apologize for how you feel. Let me tell you something." Jamie, the moderator, says. "When I first started using, I wanted to forget what was happening to me. My husband was beating me and letting his friends rape me. When I used, I didn't care what he did to me but after I started getting sober, it all started hitting me what he did to me. I tried to kill myself three times. I didn't want to be here but my sponsor told me that I needed to talk to someone to get help dealing with everything. Someone I trusted." she tells me. "Baby please tell me what you need to get through this?" Herm asks. "I don't know." I tell him softly. "Do you have someone you can talk to?" Jamie asks. "Herm." I tell her and motioned to him. She looks at Herm and he says "We have someone that our group goes to when we need to talk things out. I think she could help you babe." Herm says and I look at him. "Kelly." he tells me and I nod.

A little later, we are back at the clubhouse and as soon as we walk in, he leads me over to where Lee and Kelly are and I don't look up at them. "You okay Sweetheart?" Lee asks. I shake my head no. He looks at Kelly and says "Use the chapel." She nods and leads me inside. We sit down at the table and she says "Talk to me doll." I don't look at her but say "I have so much shit running through my head." I say. "Well, let's start with this. Just tell me the first thought that comes in your head." she tells me. "I wish he would let me go." I whisper. "Who?" she asks. "Herm." I tell her. "Do you not want to be with him?" she asks. "That's the thing. I do but, Kelly, I'm so messed up. He deserves better than that. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to find my dealer and get enough to just end it. I can't handle this shit and he's still out there looking for me. Why can't I just be done?" I ask and I'm sobbing so hard that I can't catch my breath. She cups my face and says "Look at me sweetie. Breathe with me. In with me. Out with me." she says. I finally get my breathing under control and she says "I want you to listen to me. We all want you here. I've known Koz for a long time and I've never seen him with anyone like he is with you. All he wants is to be with you and make you happy." she tells me. "How do I get past this?" I ask. "First of all, you stop talking about wanting to end shit. You belong here baby girl. You belong with your Old Man." she tells me. "You have to trust that he will take care of things." she tells me. I just nod. "Can you tell Herm to come in here please?" I ask. "Yeah baby. But if you need to talk, you find me." she tells me and I nod. "Thank you." I say softly. She kisses the top of my head and heads out the door.

As soon as she leaves, Herm comes in and takes her place. "How are you holding up baby girl?" he aks. "I'm not. Herm, I don't know if I can do this." I tell him. "Do what baby?" he asks. "I want to be with you. I want this to work and I want us to be happy but he's still out there looking for me. Herm, I'm scared and stressed out. I'm freaking out. I mean, all you've done is try to take care of me and protect me and I know I'm not worth it. Herm, you heard Kris. They had to drug me to have any fun. You'll see what he saw soon enough..." I ramble and next thing I know his lips are on mine and when we he asks "You done?" I nod my head yes and he says "Now, I want you to listen to me. You are worth it. You're more than worth it. You make me feel shit I never thought I would. All I fucking think about is you. Sleeping next to you, waking up next to you, it feels normal. It feels right. Is it so hard to believe that I could love you?" he asks and I look at him shocked. I shake my head and he cups my face to stop me. "I love you. But I need you to trust me. I promise I'll make this better baby and when I do, I want you to have my crow. I want to show everyone that you're mine. Do you understand me?" he asks softly. I nod my head yes. "You love me?" I ask softly. Kissing my lips softly, he says "I love you." I kiss him again and say "I love you too Herm."

We come out of the chapel and Lee walks up. "Take your Old Lady and get some sleep. I know she's not slept. In the morning, we have church. We think we have an idea on how to get rid of your little problem." Lee says. Herm nods his head and I move to hug Lee. "Thank you." I say. "We got you little one. You're one of us now." he tells me and I pull away. Walking back over to Herm, we walk to the dorm and as soon as we lay down, he pulls me close and I fall asleep in his arms.