rose petals and soccer balls

to the girl who will never love me back

my heart is in my stomach.

hey, you text me. i miss you.

don't, girl, i tell myself. don't say it.

i think back to the friday in the coldest classroom in the whole school. your smile was wide and we were both giggly and your face was all blushy from laughing too much.

and i said something stupid, probably, but we were both in that mood where anything and everything was funny so you laughed. you tossed your head back and let out the same laugh that you always said was "ugly" but in that moment i couldn't think of anything more beautiful.

and then you turned back to me, eyes sparkling, and i bit my lip and begged myself not to.

don't fall, girl, i told myself. you know how it always ends.

but, in spite of myself, i kept laughing with you. because it was the only thing i knew how to do.

i reread your message. hey, i miss you.

i wish i was better with words. i silently kick myself for falling for you again because i know what will happen. i know how your lips look after kissing boys and i've held your shaky hands after they always leave you.

and i know how your face looks when i tell you i like you in a more-than-friends-way, in a gay way, in an i-want-to-kiss-you-so-badly way. your face always twists into a polite yet sad smile while your sorry eyes say, oh, honey.

i type, i still want you.

i type, you looked so fucking pretty today.

i type, your laugh isn't ugly at all.

but i just respond, me too.

because i can't bring myself to say anything else.