rose petals and soccer balls

zoom in

zoom in

we are both fifteen and you look at me with your strange dark eyes and laugh at a stupid joke i made. i swallow my surprise and smile, because it really wasn't that funny.

in between laughs, you say something out of the blue, like you always do, "y'know, i liked you about a month ago. but i'm over it now."

something twists in my gut.

zoom out

we are both fourteen and we're sitting on your bedroom floor and your favorite vinyl is spinning on your record player. you're playing the ukulele along to the song, pausing and giggling every time you mess up a chord.

i look at you a beat too long. "you're a mess," i say, so you don't think i was staring.

you laugh and brush your hair out of your face. "shut up," you say.

but i don't want to. i want to keep talking as long as you will keep looking at me like that.

zoom out

we are at a basketball game that i don't want to be at and i go with you to buy candy because you don't want to be alone.

you fidget. it seems like you're always moving, darling. like you have a song in your head that you can't stop dancing to. and i looked at you with your bushy hair and your shining eyes and your huge smile and thought, fuck.

zoom in

"did you hear me?"

i stumble over myself. my heart trips and falls (i swear - every part of me has two left feet).

i heard you, love. i heard you loud and clear. i want to say so much. i want to say i liked you too. i want to say you might be over it now, but i'm not. god, girl, i never was. but every piece of me, all things fragmented and whole, is jumbled up into a knot and just like that you've left me speechless. you always do.

but i smile. and nod. and try to ignore whatever creature is in my stomach, eating me alive, turning me inside out because goddamn it, why didn't you say something? why didn't i say something? why did we have to love each other in silence until it was too late?

i shake my head. the camera adjusts.