rose petals and soccer balls

an excerpt from a journal entry from a lifetime ago

i was never allowed to question.

i didn't wrestle with myself like so many of my friends later did. i was never tangled up inside of myself; never tussled and fought and swung. i realized, and then i let the world know.

i don't think i necessarily had to grow up fast. that's not the right way to put it. rather, i had to get comfortable with myself quick before anyone could target me. i never allowed myself to be scared. fear was a weakness; if they saw how terrified i was, i would never survive. not in this world.

i'm supposed to be the one who's sure of myself. i'm the confident one. i'm the queer girl who knows who she is; who won't back down. i'm the example.

but the truth is - i'm so fucking afraid. constantly. now more than ever. because there's this unspoken pressure to be "sure," and i've never been more uncertain.