"I need to get someone in to paint this room. The new bedding came last week and the chair I ordered will be in the week after next. So, what else? Painting the walls will freshen everything up. Right? Wait! What about the floor? Maybe I should put in hardwood. Then everything will be clean, modern." I hit the floor at full speed this morning. Probably showered and dressed in record time. No rest for the weary. Gotta go, gotta go, go, go, go! Before I close the door to my bedroom, I look at the pristinely made bed one more time and internally cringe. The expensive Egyptian cotton bedding is made up with corners tucked, throw pillows placed just so and looks like a cover of decor magazine. Just for me. I swallow hard, a chip to my armor. Stop thinking Demet!
Passing into the hall, I catch myself in the mirror and I stop to check my appearance. Slowly turning my head from side to side, I assess my appearance:
-hair is bound in a loose ponytail✅
-makeup is flawless✅ (do something about the puffy eyes )
-hide the pain✅
-workout attire accentuates me well✅ (find an outfit to cover my protruding collarbone)
-paste the smile on, even if your heart is dead✅
-don't look yourself in the eye✅
I head to the kitchen and pour my third cup of coffee. "Don't you mean utilitarian, without warmth and comfort." Volkan mumbles, half asleep and agitated with his sisters energy. He watched me with his intuition peaked and I feel a lecture coming on. Gulping my coffee, I hurry out of the kitchen but he calls after me, "Abla, we need to-" Cutting him off, "I'm driving myself today. See you when I get home. Probably around 6:00. I will be back before heading out this evening. Let yourself out, okay? Love you! Bye!" Shutting the front door, resisting the urge to repeatedly bang my head against it, I take a deep breath.
My beautiful home suffocates me. I've redecorated everything this past month to remove all trace and I still can't find joy! My loving family suffocates me. I know they are concerned but if one more person asks me, "Are you okay?" Or "When was last time you ate?" I'm going to fall apart! The glorious sun suffocates me. I don't want to be happy in its presence! The horrible dark suffocates me. I don't want to be alone! I'm suffocating living without ........ Get a hold of yourself Demet!
I finally reach my new, shiny sedan, my gift to myself after completing the show and slide into the drivers seat. I close the door, crank the stereo and I'm just sitting here behind the black tinted windows and for my life, I can't remember where I'm going, I can't move from this spot. Like I'm cemented here. I can't make myself go back inside to my Abi's knowing gaze. The harder I try to remember, the more frustrated I get. How do I forget something so mundane but I can't forget the feel of his arms?
It's really hot in here, even as I crank up the AC, I notice I feel flush, sick and dizzy. The leather upholstery feels slick with my perspiration. Struggling to regain control I try to take a few deep breaths and then I hear the screams before I recognize them coming from my own throat, deeper still the screams are coming from my soul. My bitter, bitter soul. I'm hitting myself with my fists, bruising the flesh of my thighs, trying to cause more pain than my heart. I'm stomping and thrashing, scratching, tears streaming down my face just to ease the agony of the loss. The pain fuels me. The harder I hit, the louder I scream, the deeper I scratch, the internal pain becomes numb for just a moment.
What seemed like hours pass. I'm slumped over the steering wheel, leaning into it and the pathetic sobbing has started to subside into whimpers and I'm so drained, so, so tired, I just want to curl up and ....... But I brush off the last tear, I pull from my very last reserve of strength to slip on my darkest sunglasses, shift the car into gear and take off. Where to? Just drive. You have nowhere to be.
————————————————————————-DEFINITION (Urban Dictionary)
eccedentesiast
(noun)
someone who hides pain behind a smile.
she didn't like showing the pain, she was an eccedentesiast.
by xvalentinex June 11, 2018
YOU ARE READING
Recently
FanfictionA fictitious account of Can and Demet's life after EK. Beware of the angst and I touch on the serious subject of high functioning depression, maybe even a little on post traumatic stress syndrome. However, the general overture is moving on past th...
