Recently

Conscience

Caygri and Tarik were discussing the plan of action for my next new project.  Although they include me in the direction of the story line and update me on the latest cast placement and I appear to be 100% into the conversation my mind kept wandering.  Both listened to my ideas and concerns, adding scenarios and taking notes.  This is the part of the creative process that I love, the development of the character and just the opportunity to be involved, and I here I am only half aware and my concentration lacking.  I jot down little pieces of information within the margins of the script to make myself appear conscious.  I know this project will be the masterpiece of my career.  It is absolutely imperative my mind be focused.   I begin to daydream about my character, how will she carry herself?  Will she be weak at the appropriate times and strong when needed?  How will she react to joy or heartache?  Just like all my past characters, I will put a little extra of myself into her and it's overly ironic that I'm working on this drama during the most dramatic time of my life.  Use the pain, direct it into your character Demet, become the character, don't waste the agony, don't waste the loss.  

I abruptly stand, brushing the corner of the conference table and internally wince as the tender flesh of my bruised thighs remind me how fresh the loss is.  Internalize it.  Use it.  Softly smiling at Caygri, I carry the script and stand in front of the wall of windows.  To anyone observing me I appear to be engrossed in the words in front of me.  It takes every ounce of my strength not to give in to the screaming inside my head.  Don't let them see.  Keep it to yourself.

At the end of my life, after all the characters created, I imagine my tombstone stating,  "Here lies the greatest actress of her time.  She gave herself into every role."  The fans would sigh with the romance of it all, but it would ultimately be the most cruel joke in the world to know that I threw myself into the role but came out empty handed.  All the awards and accolades in the world and I will be alone.  Just partially living, half way between reality and fiction, never winning at life.   A strangled chuckle escapes me and I turn my head slightly towards the window to swipe the single tear off my cheek.  Tarik lifts his head in question. He doesn't comment as he thinks that I'm studying the script.  

So I pace a little and eventually sit as I've been here for hours and lastly I'm waiting for the writers to finalize the changes.  Volkan is suppose to be here any minute, Im sure he has been held up in traffic.   The overstuffed chair and ottoman are comfortable and the late afternoon sun is creating a soothing warmth,  I'm lured by the sleep deprivation that has plagued me the past couple of months.  Just giving into a moment of numbness that gives my mind a break from the turmoil.  My breathing begins to slow, my limbs become heavy and I feel myself nod off. 

"How do you think she is doing?" Caygri looks over at Demet and recognizes the look of mental exhaustion on her young face but he knows her well and feels her emotional exhaustion.  When does her healing begin?  Will this break be enough to energize her?  Maybe he should insist on a longer hiatus?  

"I think she saw Can this morning outside the Cafe.  She denied it but I could have sworn it was him and she had a reaction to someone or something."  Shrugging as if he couldn't explain it further.  Demet shifts in the chair, a quiet moan escapes her, Tarik drops his voice to a whisper as he glances at the beautiful woman asleep in the chair, "I haven't heard her laugh all day, have you?  I mean she shows reaction to the script and seems to be engrossed in the creative process but she isn't the Demet we all know and love."  He straightens and asks,  "Has anyone talked to Can?"

"I sent him a few messages but he hasn't responded and I don't know that he will.  I'm sure he recognizes that I am concerned for both of them.  If he is protecting himself, he will probably ignore me to avoid further explanation.  If he is protecting her, he thinks that she doesn't want anything to do with him, and to be honest I'm not sure that isn't the best approach."

"Wait!  So you think they don't need to be together, that they are not in love?"  Tarik's expression was one of shock, maybe even a little of hope.  If Caygri, who knew both Can and Demet, didn't believe that should be in a relationship, then there was a possibility................

"Oh no you don't, don't put this on me.  I think they probably love one another immeasurably but aren't on the same page yet and until they get there, there is nothing anyone can say or do.  I know her well and Demet will close down if she thinks that we are matchmaking.  She is too strong of a woman to mourn for too long.  Just watch, she is a woman of action and when she is tired of moping, she will figure out what she is going to do about it."

Tarik looks over his shoulder and doesn't see what Caygri sees.  He sees a tiny slip of a woman/ child who looks overcome with life, possibly mourning even.  Her beautiful face shows signs of stress and pain.  If there was anything he could do to erase the stress of the past year, he would do it.  She deserved more than this.  Skeptically he answers, "You know her better than me.  I hope you are right." 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile,  on the other side of the busy, thriving, beautiful city of Istanbul, Can Yaman is throwing back a bourbon and laughing at something a blonde fan just whispered into his ear......................

_____________________________________________________________________________

As we all know, Demet's birthday is February 27th, making her a Pisces.

Spinning lazy circles around her latest conquest, acquisition, or interest, the Piscean woman is a mysterious, sensual mermaid, her secrets kept secure behind inscrutable dark eyes. She has a vivid mind, and is romantic and spiritual. Like the rivers and seas this sign swims in, Piscean women have deep emotions and strong undertows in their personalities, so watch out for still waters – they often hide a passionate, sensitive nature.

Spiritual, curious, and gentle, the Pisces woman is a true dreamer. She puts a great deal of emphasis on the unseen in her life, whether it be her own intuition, her emotions, or the world of spirituality and religion. This is a woman who is always looking for – and finding – deeper meaning, from the grand scheme of life itself to her own social interactions. She absorbs the events around her, making connections that other people would never even see. She observes patterns in the feelings and actions of other people, and can be quite insightful as to what motivates them.

Pisceans are often artists, expressing their inner passions through paint, dance or song. Their work is often whimsical and outlandish, but always enchanting. Some famous Piscean women include Anais Nin, Elizabeth Taylor, and Liza Minnelli.

A Pisces woman is very sensitive by nature, so she is not quick to forgive and forget. If her heart has been wounded in the past, she will have a hard time opening herself back up to the thought of a new romantic relationship.