Recently

Timing

Before you begin to read the next chapter, I want to apologize for my timely absence in writing it.  The past few months have been full of illness and heartache.  As our world goes through this crisis, many of us are fearful and unfortunately, life can be hard.  Days pass, weeks pass and before we know it, months have passed and life keeps on going but maybe our minds or our hearts have stayed in one place.  Maybe we walk the daily path physically but our minds can't catch up.  Just as reality has difficult measures, so does this storyline.  So many hardships, so much to consider in this parallel world of relationships.  So as I want to write an uplifting, fun and energetic chapter,  real life isn't allowing it.  Maybe one day soon but for now, recently, it's just bad timing. 
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I'm mesmerized by her taste, her soft body is flush against mine and I just breath her in. Our heart beats the same. Holding back, not getting to overwhelmed by my feelings and desire for her, not wanting to frighten her. But Lord she feels good in my arms, like home and sex and chocolate. All the good things in life are within her, my future is within her and how do I go on without her? I have to make this work.

"Love, you feel so good in my arms but I want so much more", my voice is breathless. "I want our life, please?" I plead with her and feel her giving in. Her mind is slowing down, her breathing becomes as shallow as mine and I know she feels it too. I know it as sure as I know the sun is rising or that my my heart will always be hers. She leans into me and sighs, the sound of giving in to her love. Oh Allah just give me the strength to get this right. She is fragile and scared, her little body is tentative and fighting the losing battle. I hold her and gently rub her back, soothing those last nerves and comforting her. And suddenly my phone rings and I'm juggling to turn it off and unintentionally she sees the name and I feel her stiffen, moving away and turning her back to me. The moment has passed and the emptiness I feel is 100 time worse than it was yesterday. Damn Faruk for his interruption!

"Can, don't overthink this. I'm not denying us. I am asking for time to think." Demet lovingly reassures me, placing her hand upon my cheek and with the most intoxicating eyes she searches my soul and comforts my heart. Leaning into her hand, turning my face to kiss her palm and I feel her love to the core. Instinctively, I just know that she loves me. Nothing needs to be said. Gaining strength from this knowledge, enough strength, I agree to her request.

"I can do that. And because of this love within my heart, I will leave you to your thoughts." Walking backwards, unwilling to take my eyes away, I reach the door. "Until tomorrow Canim." and I let myself out.

"So, that's it?"  Baba asks.  "She left you hanging, without a decision and hasn't spoken to you for over a week?"  Pacing in front of my office windows,  Guven struggles to reconcile the details with the Demet he has grown to love like a daughter.  " None of it makes sense.  This doesn't sound like her.  Have you tried..."
I interrupt him, "I've called and gone by her apartment time and time again but nothing." I can't explain myself to anyone right now.  I'm trying to keep myself together emotionally, not wanting anyone to see the pain.  Holding my hands into the air, I walk away from Baba, just trying to seem in control but he knows.  There really isn't need for explanation.  He knows my heart and for now he is quite, just full of concern.  "I'm going to rest for a while and then I will meet you at Luca.  I don't want you to worry though.  We love one another and all will be fine."  I tell him, as I repeat my mantra to myself.  I've been telling myself this for days.  We love one another.  We love one another. We love one another. 

It's been weeks since I cowardly turned my back on having to make decisions, consider my future or more importantly think about him.  I have however, thrown myself into the new project.  Photo shoots, meetings with the writer, meetings with producers and finally reading over the script with my onscreen partner.  So much to do to take my mind off of my personal matters.  No need to make decisions while I'm concentrating on work.  When I'm home, I rest, eat healthy and train myself mentally for peace.  And there lies the balance of my career and my personal existence, work and mental control.  I have to overcome my emotional being to make it appear seamless to everyone.  No one needs to know how I yearn for him.  At night, I fall into a abyss of restless sleep, not dreaming, not wakeful, just a painless vast chasm between love and separation.  No one needs to know that I've created these compartments of my life that can easily be hidden the naked eye, set aside to deal with later, decisions to make later.  Another day, another time, just to avoid the desperation of those decisions. 

"Sometimes, being in love means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."