Still Breathing

2

His eyes widened in surprise when he saw you "Eh... hi." he said, bringing his raised hand, he wanted to knock upon your door with, to stroke through his hair instead.
"Hi..." you frowned as you hid the hand holding the flower petals behind your back so he wouldn't be able to see them "What are you doing here?" not that you minded it at all, you wished you could see him everyday.
"I was just wondering if you'd like to hang out... But I guess you have other plans?"
You switched your weight from one foot to your other "Not really honestly. I was just going to town real quick."
He smiled "Oh, would you mind me coming along?"
You shook your head "I would love that actually."
You both smiled as you closed your door and started walking. This was really great, you were very much enjoying this. Him beside you, just going to town. It really felt like a thing people in a relationship would do. You couldn't help yourself from thinking like that. Though if you would have been dating you would probably have been holding hands or something.
You had to stop walking when you started coughing again. Not only did you cough, but you also started panicking: Joshua could not see you cough up flower petals. What would he think of you when he'd see that?
He laughed and patted your back, unaware of your panicked feelings "Woah, maybe you should put on a scarf? Sounds like you're catching a cold."
You tried to chuckle, but the tears in your eyes from the pain of coughing must have made that look stupid. As he caringly put a hand on your shoulder, you tried to swallow your coughs away. You couldn't cough up a flower petal right now. He couldn't witness that.
"I'm sorry, I'm fine now. I promise."
He smiled a charming smile, clearly not convinced and still very concerned "Alright, if you say so..."
Not very much later you arrived at the flower shop in town. Was it a good idea for him to go in with you? It wasn't like you were going to tell the shop owner why you were interested in flower petals right? But wouldn't Joshua want to know why you wanted to know? He was your friend after all. You were certain he'd be curious.
You stopped in front of the flower shop door and took a deep breath "Shua," you started, he stopped walking and looked at you curiously. You jerked your head towards the door "Would you mind going in here?"
You saw his eyes scan the place "Of course not. Do you need flowers for something?"
"Eh, yes." you rushed inside before he could ask more.
The shop owner greeted you with a smile "How can I help the two of you?"
You placed the flower petals you had coughed up merely days before on the shop counter "I was wondering if you could tell me what flower these are from?"
Joshua, whom had been walking around the shop looking at all the different colors, looked up curiously and came to stand beside you. He frowned at the flower petals before him on the counter "That seems to be from some kind of lily..." he mumbled.
The shop owner smiled at him as she took a petal and held it up to look at it properly "Correct. I can not be hundred percent sure for now, but this seems to come off a stargazer lily. Where did you get this? This flower blooms mid to late summer, it is extremely hard to find these this time of year."
You sighed, tried to shrug cooly "I had these in a vase," you made up, realising that didn't really clear anything up "but they're on the verge of dying so I wanted to get new ones."
The shopkeeper frowned "Oh. Well I'm sorry then, but we don't have those now... We do have some other lilies in case you're interested."
You held up a hand nonchalantly "No that's alright. I only want these. But thanks."
You picked up the flowers and hurriedly marched out of the shop. Joshua frowned, clearly surprised of your weird mood, but followed you. He must have thought that the fact the shop didn't have the flowers you wanted upset you and that that was the reason you walked out like that, but he was wrong. You were having a slight mental breakdown. Tears of frustration welling up in your eyes, and you really did not want Joshua, nor anyone, to see that.
You felt a hand on your back "Don't worry, we'll find a shop that does sell these flowers. I promise."
You nodded. Afraid your voice would break if you'd say anything.
Joshua had looked kind of surprised when you told him this was the only reason you had wanted to go to town. He had probably expected you'd just go shopping or something. But since you both really did not want to go home yet, you decided to lunch together. A lunch that resulted in you checking his finger every couple of seconds, as if a soulmate mark would just appear out of nowhere.
For some reason you were more afraid for his mark to appear than for your own.
The two of you talked about everything and nothing, like always. But you couldn't fully concentrate on the conversation. Your head kept going everywhere and nowhere. From the flower petals you kept coughing up, to the non existent mark on Joshua's finger.
"You know, not everyone gets their mark."
You had no idea at all why those word had decided to leave your lips like that. No idea whatsoever. The words had escaped from your mouth without you knowing they had done so. You sighed afterwards, almost throwing down your knife and fork. He stared at his plate, eyes wide. Just like you, he had not at all expected to hear you say anything like that.
"I... I'm so sorry. I have no idea why I said that, I just-"
He held up a hand, his charming smile on his face again "Don't worry, that's okay." he laid down his cutlery and folded his hands on the table "I'm well aware of the fact that not everyone gets their mark, but I'm still quite young so I still have hope. I know someone who only got their soulmate mark when they were forty."
You really hadn't meant to go in on that, but you once again weren't able to control your mouth "But definitely not everyone does. There are so many people that do not get their mark at all... And even if yours would come super late, do you really want to be alone until then?"
He looked down at his hands, still smiling "...Yeah. Believe it or not, I really do think my mark will appear some day. I feel it in my stomach." his face turned to you again "I'm sorry. I know you really like me but-"
You started coughing again. worse than ever this time. You held up your hand apologetically as you rushed to the bathroom where, in no time, you were holding two flowers in your hands, tears streaming down your face. A mixture of pain, fear and frustration rushing through your body. Your head spinning. You knew you couldn't go back to Joshua looking like this, tears, saliva and blood staining your clothes, without raising many questions that you would not be able to answer. But you also knew you couldn't not go back. Not only was there no way out of the building without going past Joshua, but you also couldn't just leave him like this. He deserved more than someone just leaving him behind for no reason.
With your hands and water you tried to tidy your clothes up just a little bit. But it didn't make a difference. If anything, it made it seem worse. You cleaned the flowers like you had done with every petal you had coughed up so far and tried to mentally prepare yourself for Joshua. But you had no idea how to. What would he ask? Think? Say? You didn't know. What would you say? Would you tell the truth or lie? And if so, what was there to lie about? What made blood stained clothing seem like the most everyday thing?
Your legs were shaking, had trouble supporting your weight. This was the first time you had coughed up an entire flower and not just the petals. Were you shaking on your legs because the two whole flower had taken a lot out of your body, or was it in fear of what would happen next? You considered sitting down on the bathroom floor, cry for as long as you had to and then go back afterwards. But you knew that wouldn't make any sense. You would just be stalling time for the inevitable conversation you were going to have anyway. But you had to sit down.
You held the two flowers tightly, somewhat crushing them, took a deep breath, and walked out of the bathroom to meet with what felt like your doom.
All you remembered from the short conversation you had had with Joshua was him jumping up as if he were scared of something, but looking at you concerned. You handing him the flowers, not saying anything.  You remembered how light your head felt, how somewhere in the distance you heard Joshua say your name, how the world started spinning and how your legs gave in.