Still Breathing

4

Four flowers and seven petals. More than ever before. Your white sink red with blood spatters, throat burning, tears streaming down your face.
Since the doctor had told you what was wrong with you, you had tried not to think about it. Tried to shut it out, not think at all, ignore your feelings. You didn't want to feel as scared as you were. You didn't want to know what you knew…
Joshua, whom had left you alone in the bathroom so he could call the doctor, knocked on the door “Are you okay..?”
You didn't look at him, stared at the flowers in front of you. Should you tell him what you knew? Was it a thing he should know? Maybe he could help.
He clearly wasn't sure how to act now that you weren't saying anything and put a hand on your shoulder hoping it would calm you down “Do you want something? Tea?”
You shook your head.
“Anything else?”
You shook your head again, body shocking from your cries.
Joshua was silent for a couple of seconds after that not sure what to say, not sure what to do. His hand still laying on your shoulder, trying his best to comfort you.
He took a step back, getting ready to walk away “Alright, well.. Eh, I'll finish making the bed and-”
“Love.” You stated without context, out of nowhere.
Joshua stopped in his tracks, frowning at you “What?”
What would he have been thinking you were trying to say? Just a random statement? A nickname? You wondered what was going through his head.
But neither of those things was what you were after.
“Hanahaki disease is tied with extreme emotion. When I was in the hospital, and you went home, I looked it up on the internet… in nine out of ten cases the emotion tied to it is love.” Your voice was merely a whisper, but you were sure he had heard you. He stayed extremely quiet and, though you couldn't see him, you knew he was shocked.
“One sided love most of the time.”
He made a sound, indicating he wanted to say something, but he clearly had no idea what. He was speechless and you didn't blame him for it.
You turned your head so you could see his face, it had turned pale, his mouth slightly hanging open.
“I wanted to ignore it. Everything about it. Not just the idea that this is caused by love but just… the whole disease -and I tried, I really tried, but it’s kind of difficult when you’re literally throwing up flowers.”
“If this is caused by me not being in love with you,” he interrupted you, there was evidence on his face that he was thinking hard, probably summing everything up in his head to make a solid statement here “that means… I’m the one causing this?”
“What? No.” you shook your head, taking a step towards him so you could lay a hand on his shoulder to show him he didn’t do anything wrong. You hoped this action would come across like that “You can’t choose who you are in love with.”
Could you though? You weren’t sure. Maybe he really only wasn’t in love with you because he decided not to be. Maybe he suppressed his feelings for you because he wanted to preserve them for his soulmate. Maybe suppression of feelings counted as not being in love as well in this case. Maybe love had to show and not just feel. Maybe he should get over his will to only fall in love with his soulmate and try falling in love with you anyways. Maybe setting his mind off the whole soulmate concept would make him realise the feelings he might have had for you.
But you couldn’t possibly tell him that. You couldn’t tell him to give up the opportunity to find true love for your sake. This whole disease was your problem, not his.
“I’m sorry…” Joshua said in a small voice, you were surprised to see tears slowly welling up in his eyes “I don’t even have a soulmate mark… And yet I have the strange idea that someday it will appear. And maybe it will -maybe yours will too, but this little stupid thing will determine your future… and, now that I know this, I can’t help but feel it’s my fault…”
You wanted to pull him into a comforting  hug, wanted to tell him it was not at all his fault and he shouldn’t feel guilty at all, but he had stepped away from you before you had the chance. He was looking down, eyes fixed on your feet.
Had it not been a good idea to tell him anyway? Should you had kept it to yourself? You really did not want him to feel bad, but, now that you thought about it, all this could have possibly done was make him feel bad. Even though he couldn’t help the fact he wasn’t in love with you, just like you couldn’t help being in love with him. What had you expected? That after telling him this he would suddenly fall in love with you anyway? That he’d suddenly decide that maybe he did like you after all? Maybe his feelings just hadn’t been sure, and telling him this would finally make them sure that he did in fact love you? Grow up. All this could have done was make him feel bad, and you had known that from the start.
“Josh this… this isn’t your fault.”
“It is though, isn’t it? I’m the one who can’t fall in love. I’m the one who wants to find his soulmate…” He looked at his hand, at the finger his soulmate mark should be on to be precise, a disgusted look in his eyes, as if all of a sudden he hated the idea of having a soulmate. As if all of a sudden he hated his soulmate. What if, if he would ever meet them, he would blame them for what happened between you and him?
You should not have told him. Whether he knew or not, it wouldn’t make any difference to the outcome of this. Except that, whatever it was that was going to happen now, he would either blame himself or his soulmate for it. If you would die, he would blame himself for not falling in love with you. If you would have to get the surgery and continue life without feelings, he would blame himself for not falling in love with you. Even if he did manage to fall in love with you in time, what if he would later meet his soulmate? He would blame himself for falling in love with you. You would blame yourself for making him fall in love with you. And that way the Hanahaki disease would probably return and kill you anyway. None of these options were great.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. Did the doctor say anything?”
Joshua rubbed his watery eyes, a single tear streamed down his cheek all the way to his chin “I asked him what the last stage is exactly, since I didn’t know. He said that normally means passing out. So when you… pass out… and I can’t wake you up, I have to take you to the hospital....” he gulped as he stroked his hand through his hair “He also said that even the slightest bit late could mean that he can’t save you anymore. And that, since you already passed out once, he expects that it will not take very much longer for you to actually get into the last stage and that I should keep a close eye on you. I asked him why they didn’t keep you in the hospital, but he says that normal surroundings make you less stressed out and might actually help resolve the disease...”
Now it was you who looked down, at his feet. You didn’t want to admit it, but you had never been this scared in your life.
Joshua had turned his eyes up again though, locked them on a different part of your body. You saw it when he took a hesitant step closer, making you look up again. His eyes seemed to have locked itself onto your lips, his eyes looked as hesitant as the step he had taken, yet seemed determined to do something. But you hadn’t realised what he was doing before it actually happened. Before his lips crashed onto yours, soft yet strong, uncertain yet sure.
Your feelings wanted to shut your eyes, wanted to cry from happiness, your stomach twisted, butterflies arose, started going crazy, making you nauseous… A shockwave went through your entire body like little electric shocks, you felt them from your lips, all the way to the tip of your toes.
But your eyes widened, your body froze. The twist in your stomach? Painfull. The nauseousness? Definitely not from the butterflies.
You actually surprised yourself by pushing him away. And, judging from his eyes, that only got more watery, started letting down tears, you surprised him with it as well.
“You know you don’t want that. You know that is without feelings. That won’t help, and you shouldn’t push yourself.” Your words sounded so small that you almost couldn’t hear them yourself.
Now tears started to roll down his cheeks. His eyes gave in and let them go. Water dropped to the floor, onto his shirt, onto yours “What do you want me to do then? I can’t just let you die!”
You didn’t think you had ever seen anyone this devastated. He completely broke down: his knees looked like they were about to give in and his entire body was shaking.
Truth was that you had no idea what you wanted him to do. Everything seemed wrong right now. You had gone over it in your head, again and again you had weight every option you could think of, but nothing worked out well.
You wanted to take Joshua in your arms, but you weren't sure if that would help. Maybe that would make it worse. But you didn't get time to think about that before you started coughing again.
Honestly you had been surprised that it took so long. After the kiss you had expected the coughing to give you no time at all and start immediately after or even during. It was as horrible as ever as you hung over the sink hoping it'd be over soon.
Joshua seemed to snap out of his sadness as he started to rub your back again.
After you coughed up a couple of flowers, and had taken a deep breath, you turned to Joshua as if nothing had happened “Let's go finish making the bed now.”
The next couple of days Joshua stayed at your place, you never had as much fun as you did those days. Though things were clearly kind of weird and awkward between you two, it didn't keep you from having fun. Telling stories and laughing, though a storm cloud was lurking ahead.
During those days you started to feel more and more tired, you had more trouble to get out of bed,  and if Joshua hadn't been getting groceries for you you would have starved before the Hanahaki disease could have killed you. You were thankful, very thankful that Joshua was here. You had no idea what you would have done if you had been all alone.
Joshua tried to hide the fact that he felt guilty and bad for your disease, doing everything you asked for, and didn't ask for, to make up for it. Though you didn't blame him at all. He deserved a proper soulmate and should definitely keep all his love for them.
Though you were practically waiting for you to pass out, you had fun. Joshua managed to make you feel a way you never felt before and those days didn't at all feel like waiting until the end.
After the flowers you coughed up after your kiss, you hadn't coughed up any flowers anymore. You had immense chest pains and trouble breathing, but hadn't coughed up anything. You weren't sure if that should worry you or make you feel better.
Moments before it happened you had been laughing. You practically felt yourself fall asleep, you got a little dizzy and felt every muscle relax. You managed to whisper a quick, silent “I love you” to Joshua, before fading away.
The worst thing was you had been fine with it. Absolutely fine. You had had some great days, maybe even the best days of your life. You had been happy, relaxed and had spent them with someone you loved.
You knew it was the end for you, whether you would die or live without emotion, you would be gone. And you didn't mind. Finally the pain would be over. The flowers would be gone. Your heart wouldn't be broken again.
But you were also terrified. Terrified of death, terrified of not feeling. You loved loving, even if it meant coughing up flowers.
The last thing you remembered was a single tear. You felt it stream down your face, down your cheek. A tear filled with every emotion you could think of. Every emotion you had ever felt.