AM13 Outbreak Shorts

One Year On - Thirty (Emma)

Emma

I miss people.

I miss my life.

I miss my friend, Rachael, who I didn't have the time to get to know properly. Not as much as I would have liked anyway. More time for us would have created an amazing friendship, I'm sure of it. We could be at school right now, hanging out, taking classes, having fun, living that normal monotonous life that I never wanted to change.

You know what, I even miss my parents. That is something I never thought would happen, but I do. I miss them and their overprotective nature. I wish they could be watching over me now, bossing me around, and telling me what to do. It's clear that I need to be watched over, because I'm not doing the best job of looking after myself, am I?

Sometimes I wonder what that smell is. That thick, pungent scent which infects my nostrils and makes me want to throw up. Other times, I know the smell is me. And it's more than just the smell of me not washing, which I'm sure isn't helpful to anything, not that regular showers are a constant feature at the end of the world, but it's a deep smell underneath the surface.

The smell of death.

No, not death, my brain screams at me. Not death for me. Death is all around me, that's all.

I must be pretty traumatized because that smell isn't going anywhere. It's clinging to me all the time. It makes me wonder if that's the reason I haven't found anyone yet. I keep thinking that I must be getting close now to someone who can look after me, but it doesn't seem to happen.

I press my hand to my stomach as I'm sure I hear a growl. I need some food in there, and I need to eat soon. But I'm too scared to eat because the last time I consumed food it was an animal. I can't recall what animal, but it was something that I wouldn't normally consume. I don't want to be that version of me. It's horrible.

A wail soon erupts from me, covering up the sounds of the growling. I don't know if it's a sob or a burst of anger, but it feels good to let it out. I have always been a person in control of myself, of my life, of my body, but now I am letting that go because I don't have any choice.

It's time to release everything that I have locked away deep inside of me, it's time to let the tight ring around myself go, it's time to let myself be free. Whoever I might be.

I don't want to miss anymore. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to let go and give up on myself because I am not worth fighting for anymore, my life means nothing, this existence on the road by myself is totally lost.

I give up on all of it.