AM13 Outbreak Shorts

One Year On - Thirty Eight (Alex)

Alex

"No, she wouldn't do this." I shake my head, refusing to accept this. Even if it's all written out in front of me, I can't believe it. "This isn't right. Someone else did this..."

Tears roll down my cheeks because to be honest, it doesn't make any difference, does it? I shouldn't be arguing over what happened to Rachael because it won't bring her back, however much I want it to. I still failed her; she's still gone.

But a suicide note means she did this on purpose, she wanted to leave me, it wasn't Benji's fault. Not directly anyway. He will go free and be allowed to destroy other lives, like he did Rachel's. Like he did mine as well because clearly, I wasn't enough for her.

I read her words again, needing to destroy myself just that little bit more.

Dear Alex,

I'm sorry. I know that this is selfish, I know I shouldn't do this to you, but I can't help it. Don't blame yourself because you were the only shining star in my otherwise miserable existence. If anything were different then me and you could have been something special, but I am already wrecked. I'm too damaged, there isn't coming back from this.

It all started when my parents died. I've been thinking about that a lot recently, about how I just left them instead of dying with them like I should have done.

Then my time nearly came to an end in Katie's hospital, but again I escaped death. I've been living on borrowed time for a long time now, and it's time for that to come to an end because I haven't been living well, I haven't been making the most of my life now.

I find this existence too hard, it's eating away at me every single day, making me more of a burden with every passing moment. I don't see life getting back to normal, but even if the planet found a way to recover from this virus, I don't think I'd be able to ever be me again.

I'm a coward, I know I am. This is all on me. But you can do better, Alex. You deserve to live through this because you are the only person I know who could come through this and be a better person. Don't hate me for leaving you, just use this to make you stronger, please.

I love you,

Rachael.

She loved me...but still I wasn't enough to keep her living. Still, she chose death be an overdose. And Benji is going to get away with it. He might have supplied the drugs, but she knew what she was doing, she chose this.

"I can't let him get away with this," I growl to myself. "I can't let him live. Not after he killed Rachael. Everyone else might forgive him, but I never will."

This isn't what Rachael would have wanted for me, I know that, but I need him dead. The burning emotions are being overshadowed by rage and I need to take it all out on him. I need him gone. It won't bring Rachael back, but it still has to happen.