Nothing to lose

Chapter 10: Mia

"I think I have everything," I said to myself, but I gave my room another once over.

I've been waiting all year for this moment, and still, it felt surreal. I couldn't wait to go, but I also didn't want to leave. A part of me already felt homesick just thinking about it.

The only other place that I've spent this much time at was Grey's house and maybe my grandparents who lived in Canada that we visited twice a year.

"Hey, sweetheart, can I talk to you for a second before you go?" Dad shouted up from downstairs.

"Sure thing!" I walked to my door, one last glance, then closed it behind me.

I skipped down the stairs and walked to the kitchen.

"Have a seat." He nodded towards the breakfast nook. "I made you a caramel cappuccino with blueberry waffles." I was glad dad finally learned to use that expresso maker that his girlfriend bought him for Christmas last year. It's been a godsend and one of our most used kitchen appliances. That's what happened with two caffeine addicts living under the same roof.

"YAY! Thank you!" I told him, kissing his cheek while he finished what looked like the last batch of waffles.

I rushed over to take my favorite seat by the window. I only admired the breakfast spread for about three seconds before digging into my waffles. I took a bite of blueberries with a tiny bit of whip cream and maple syrup. "MHHMM." I crooned. My taste buds were so happy.

Dad slid into the nook, sitting across from me. He only had a cup of coffee in front of him. "I made some for Grey too. I know he probably ate already, but I also know he never says no to a second morning meal," he grinned. "So," Dad began to twirl the coffee mug in his hands, a nervous habit of his. "Remember last week when we said no more secrets?"

After the conversation with Mom, I couldn't wait for Dad to get home so we could talk. I had been dying to do it over the phone, but he insisted that we do it in person.

In proper psychologist form, we sat down in the living room on opposite sides, him on the couch and me on the other.

I had watched him just as closely as he was watching me, probably thinking of how best to proceed.

Eventually, he took a deep breath and said, "First, I'd like to know how you feel about your mom, then we'll talk about what you're thinking about doing?"

I've never lied to Dad.

I knew that sounded unbelievable, but it was true. I've always owned up to my mistakes and have taken full responsibility. Plus, Dad was the easiest person to talk to. I could tell him just about anything, and I knew he wouldn't judge me.

I already had days to gather all my thoughts and feelings about my mom. So when I opened my mouth, everything came out all at once. I told Dad how I felt like she had abandoned us because we didn't make her happy enough. I told him that after hearing about having a younger sister, I wondered if Mom felt like I wasn't the daughter she wanted because she didn't stick around to watch me grow up like she did for her. I said the stuff that I hadn't even completely worked out in my head yet, but I was hoping saying it aloud would clear up any fog surrounding it.

In 30 minutes, I was all talked out.

Dad sat silently for a second, working through his thoughts. I took that as my opportunity to ask him something that had been on my mind. "Dad, how would you feel if I wanted to have a relationship with Mom? I'm not sure if I do right now or ever will. There seems to be so much that I don't know if I can forgive, but she's told me that you had forgiven her, and I want to know if that's true." I nibbled at my bottom lip anxiously.