Self Growth

First tear

experiences that happen when you're younger are often easier to forget, but not this time. enjoy××
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Being only 11 years old, you would think i was still running around in mud and playing with Barbie dolls, definitely not! In Grade 5 I was an A-student regardless of how much pressure I had, always having to come first place and live up to people's expectations. My teachers and school peers always looked up to me and i feared to disappoint them in any way whatsoever, and by doing so i lost myself.

At the time, 2015, i was living with my mother, little brother and grandparents, but what happened to my dad you may wonder? Well, at the age of 2 my dad passed away due to a car accident that took place on my birthday, yup, on my special day! Growing up, i always thought my grandfather was my actual dad, until early 2015 when the news broke out to me. I was hurt, felt empty and lost. For months i grieved the long loss of my dear father, with negative words from others like "you can't miss what you never had" and "you won't remember him anyway"...

My granny, Fiona, was there for me from my very first tear, to my very first crush. My mom and i never got along for years and i always saw my granny as my "go-to-girl" because she was the only person I could confide in. After finding out about my father's death, she held my hand through this dark tunnel of hopelessness i was walking through and till today she still does the same.

Apparently my dad used to call me "pumpkin", uhuh, wish i could hear him say it one more time. My dad's side is coloured and my mom's side is Tswana. My dad's two brothers constantly remind me of how much he loved me and would jump at anything that would harm me in anyway, including an ant! I have my dad's nose, skin tone and personality and honestly? i couldn't have asked for anything better.

I then realised that sobbing over what is gone does not change anything, but healing from it does. I now take my dad's passing as encouragement to always do better because that's what he would've wanted.

Growing from what has hurt you brings you more joy than sinking from the pain. Allow yourself to heal, don't rush it, and then get back up, because i did it too.