Broken

Part 5

I got up and walked across the quiet street after laying there for what it seemed hours just crying. I was cold but I couldn't feel anything but numbness now. Barefoot, I walked all the way home. It wasn't that far but when you're whatever I was, but it seems like forever. My mind was racing in so many ways as my thoughts were blurred. My feet ached and my body was cold as ice. It was around 6 AM I didn't want to wake up my parents, I couldn't explain anything right now. I climbed into my living window.

I took a deep breath. I was home, I was safe. I breathed in relief but I felt so much fear inside.

It was silent in my house and my brother wasn't sleeping in the living room like he loves to do on weekend ever since his TV broke. I snuck into my room making sure not to wake up my family. I succeeded. I couldn't believe I made it home, I was safe from anyone but myself and my thoughts. My room was clean and it was exactly how I left it but everything seemed so different now. It was different because I was different now and I knew nothing will ever be the same. I wanted to be normal again. I took my clothes off and threw them into the giveaway bag that my mom always forgets to donate. I didn't want any attachment to this night. It was unbearable. The knots I felt in my stomach. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I ran to my toilet and emptied my stomach into the toilet. I felt so sick. I flushed the toilet and I turned on the shower and laid down naked. I took in the moment for a second before started sobbing. I scrubbed my whole body until I was burning red. I sobbed so hard I couldn't breath. Then I laid in there for awhile until I felt cleaner. As clean as I was It didn't feel like it. I kept picturing this night over and over again. I was trying so hard to remember it, but I wanted to forget it all happened at the same time. It wouldn't escape my mind, the pain and that's all I wanted it to do.

I felt dirty. I felt weak. I felt broken.

I got out of the shower after while, wrapping myself in a towel. I was so tired and sluggish. I turned on the TV and found some comfortable silk rainbow jammies I got for this past Christmas to change into. I never wore pajamas anymore, I always grabbed a large t-shirt. When you put on fresh pajamas on it makes you feel like a kid again. As I always thought. I wanted to feel innocent again. There was nothing innocent about me anymore. I laid in my bed the TV just became noise as I blankly stared at the ceiling. I grabbed my old blankie and curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep.

I lied in a dark room with white walls and a white bedspread just like at the party in the bedroom. It was quiet. Till he entered.

"Go away!" I screamed sitting up. He threw me back down and kissed me roughly. "STOP KENDALL!" I cried screaming and trying to get away.

"You did this Rowan." He smirked at me. "You came up here and you knew what was going to happen." I blinked my eyes and tears fell.

"You shouldn't have drank." Lucas said walking out of the dark.

"Lucas! Help me!" I cried.

"I can't" he said. "I'm watching you get what you deserve." My heart sank.

"I trusted you and now you're a whore." I gasped seeing my parents enter the bedroom.

"But Daddy I-" I said looking at him with a tear stained face.

"You aren't our daughter anymore honey." My Mom said smiling at my dad. "You're just some slut."

"I'm their daughter now." Sabrina came from behind and put her arms around them.

"What is going on?!" I cried noticing my brother appearing behind Lucas. "Please someone tell me."

"You're mine now." Kendall grabbed me by my hair and my friends and family started laughing.

I woke up in a sweat.

My heart was racing so fast.

It was a dream, a nightmare.

I had chills down my whole body. I didn't know what this dream meant and why he was a bad guy. Kendall was a great guy. Why did I see him like that in my dream? I wanted to understand what was going on here. Did this dream mean something? It was my fault for getting drunk and leading him on. I knew that. He was probably just as drunk as I was. If one drink hit me that hard, I can't imagine what a few would do to him. I looked for the time on my clock. It was noon and I was home alone. Thankfully, I didn't want to be around anyone. My Mom went to work and my Dad took my brother to lunch. They had a monthly father and son lunch. My Dad did that with the both of us but it was Jamie's turn.

I felt so ashamed. I was the last person to get drunk and lose my virginity at a random party. I always wanted to wait until I was married or at least engaged. Sex was a big deal to me. That's probably why I felt so bad. Kendall must think I was awful for running out but I didn't remember what happened and I panicked, I was so innocent. I never really even kissed a boy beside Lucas last night. Kendall was the first guy I ever really deeply wanted to be with. Sabrina and I always joked that I'd be a virgin for life because I wasn't interested in dating anyone before. Until Kendall came into the picture, but even then she never would have believed I ended up with him. He's popular, older and I'm a dorky tenth grader. Sabrina was a virgin too but she wasn't even close as innocent. Sabrina has actually had two boyfriends, but it wasn't ever more than intense make out sessions. If she knew I had sex she would be over here with a million questions and she still probably wouldn't believe me. I couldn't really grasp the fact that I had sex before she did. It's so out of character for me. What was I thinking?

I couldn't understand why my memory was so hazy with only one drink.

"What happened last night, I'm sorry for leaving. I was really confused." I texted Kendall hoping he could fill in my blanks and to apologize for leaving and not saying goodbye. I pulled out my laptop.

"Blacked out after only one drink and had sex." I googled unsure of what kind of results would pop up.

Tons of articles came up about date rape and roofies. Whoa. I kept reading about a drug called Rohypnol. I was instantly scared. This couldn't have happened to me. I kept thinking about how Sabrina was aware of what she was doing after only one drink. She was fine. Maybe Kendall didn't have much to drink either. I blacked out and had sex. Was I drugged? It was the only thing that was making sense to me. The last thing remember is talking about friends and family on the steps and Kendall kissing me. If I was- I would be in a lot more pain then I was.

I got out of bed, standing in front of my mirror I closed my eyes and took my pajamas off. I looked in the mirror at my body. There were bruises along my stomach and thighs. I suddenly felt the pain I was suppressing and it felt like someone was stabbing me. I felt sore and deep down I knew that I'd never do something like getting drunk and passing out. That's not who I am. I covered my mouth with my hands fully coming to terms with what happened and sobbed.

I was raped.