Broken

Part 6

I laid in bed for two days crying on and off. There's so much on my mind. Half the time I felt too empty inside to even cry. I told my Mom I didn't feel good and they left me alone pretty much. I feel stupid and naive, but Kendall seemed like the nicest guy in the world. He used me and he abused me. I should have listened to my friends, they knew what was best. I have school today and I'm so scared to face Kendall. He never texted me back so I didn't know what that meant. I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone about Kendall. I didn't want anyone to know what happened. I didn't even want to believe it. Maybe pretending it never happened was the key? A knock came from my door.

"Where's Sabrina?" My dad asked while he was adjusting his tie.

"She's not coming." I said quietly.

"What? Why?" My dad was surprised.

"Her Mom's shift changed she'll be at school." I responded with no enthusiasm.

"Okay, Let's get going." He left me.

it's not going to get any easier I thought to my. I threw on black pants and a blue shirt with a black sweater. Normally I would do my hair, maybe a braid or some other kind of style but instead I just brushes it quickly and finished getting my stuff together. I kept thinking about what school would be like. There was no real way of knowing till I got there, but my mind was racing and so was my heart. I was wondering would Kendall do anything or if Sabrina was still upset. I felt different. I felt broken and I didn't know what and how to fix it. I kept beating myself up over it all weekend. What I could have done differently or said. Why I went upstairs when I had no intention of doing anything more than kissing. I felt I was at fault. I knew I must have lead Lucas on if he thought I liked him. Did I lead Kendall on? It had to be partly my fault. I was in so much pain. The Rowan I and everyone knew and loved is no longer and I'm just floating here.I walked into school taking a deep breath. Thankfully Jamie talked my dad's ear off and I parted quickly from them as I got inside. I went straight for my locker and looked around feeling paranoid. I knew I was going to run into Kendall, but didn't know when. I grabbed a few books.

"Hey!" Lucas walked up to me and I jumped out of my skin. "What's wrong?" He asked concerned seeing the fear in my eyes.

"Nothing." I collected my thoughts trying to remain calm.

"You didn't call me all weekend." Lucas wanted to figure out if I was upset with him.

"I was busy." I looked at him coldly trying to avoid eye contact.

"Oh okay?" Lucas said confused and hoping to understand why I was acting so strange.

"Sorry." I said fumbling to find a pen to put in my bag.

Sabrina walked across the hallway and darted her eyes towards Lucas and I but kept walking. I felt bad about hurting my friend deep down, but it was literally the last thing on my mind. I was cared, not concerned about my best friend's well-being.

"I'm going to go to class." He felt bad about us not speaking. "Let me know if you want to talk." Lucas half smiled. I felt bad since he didn't understand what was going on. I watched my friend walk away and the hallway emptied and the quiet set in.

I laid back on the lockers and sled to my feet. It wasn't even first period and I was already breaking.

This day is going to be long.

I made it through my first two classes. I didn't even say a word. Usually I'm always raising my hand, participating in class discussion even sitting in the front row. That was no longer me. I was so scared to go to third period. Kendall was in that class and I wasn't ready for that. I knew I wasn't able to physically go there. I ditched class and sat in the bathroom listening to music. I've never ditched class not once in my life and everyone knew that. I just couldn't, this whole thing was changing me and I didn't like it. Kendall on the other hand decided to skip art class all of the time for some reason. He usually skipped Mondays and Wednesdays knew I wouldn't have to deal with him then. It was all such a mess. I made it to the rest of my classes not that I remember anything I learned. I spent most of the day with my head glued to the desk or staring out the window. The classes Sabrina and I had together we were doing tests, so no talking. I was happy about that because I didn't need to deal with anymore drama, but I couldn't really focus on anything.

I just wanted to have a clear memory. The night kept running through my mind and I draw a blank. I knew it was from the drugs I was slipped. I still tried to remember anyway.

I walked into art class and was the first one inside. My teacher greeted me as I sat down across from empty seats. Sabrina walked in and glared at me before taking her sit. I didn't really care about Sabrina's feelings right now. I was going through the worse time of my life. I stared at my fingers. I could tell Sabrina was surprised that I wasn't apologizing and that I missed English class. She probably wasn't sure whether to be worried or not. I could always read her like a book. That was how strong our friendship connection is. Sabrina kinda looked concerned now that I realize. It was weird sitting with her and not saying a word. I brushed it off and laid my head down.I heard a noise a minute later as Kendall walked into the classroom and locked eyes with me.

Fear filled my body as I gulped. I watched him walk over, I hoped he wasn't coming over to talk to me. I was scared to death. I felt like I couldn't breath.

"Hey, ladies." Kendall knelled down next to Sabrina and me, putting his arms on the table he smirked. I froze.

"Did you have fun this weekend?" He turned his head to Sabrina who was looking at me confused in what was going on.

"Uh yeah." Sabrina lied looking at him before looking back at me. Lucas walks in and takes his seat. He was just as confused as she was.

"What about you Rowie?" I clenched my fists, feeling terrified. I was shaking and it was obvious. I felt sick to my stomach, I could barely breath. I was too anxious to cry. My friends looked at me while I was having an anxiety attack. "Well, I had a great night with you kiddo." Kendall touched my back getting up and kisses my head. My body shivered, my legs shake and I flinched. My heart was racing. My body was covered in chills. He left to his table. I knew what he was doing, he was trying to make sure things were fine. They weren't. I knew what he did.

Sabrina and Lucas stared at me both looking a little concerned. I knew they wondered what happened but Sabrina was being stubborn and Lucas didn't really want to know what happened. He wanted to know what didn't happen. I ignored it and them. Everyone was working on their art projects including my friends. Sabrina was making a regular coffee mug. Lucas was making a soup bowl. I sat there and stared at my cat mug. I started it last week but it was just making me sad. It seemed like everything made me sad these days. Who could focus when their rapist is sitting across the room? I could hear Kendall laughing from across the room. It made my skin crawl.

I raised my hand and asked to go to the bathroom. I needed a few minutes alone to clear my head. To be away from a room of hurt.

"Hey!" I stopped at the end of the hallway in mid step my body tingled.

"Where are you going?" Kendall came closer. I didn't even turn around but he walked in front of me. "You look strange? Why did you take off Friday?" I didn't answer I couldn't answer and he grabbed my arm.

My body went cold.

"I'm talking to you!" I tried to get away and he held on tight. "Not so fast, I'm not going to forget about you now that we had sex." He grabbed my face tightly and kissed me.

This kiss was different than my magical kiss on the steps.

It was sweaty, hard, and wet.

He let go and I ran to the bathroom and locked the stall. I was having a full on panic attack. I couldn't breath. I was remembering small flashes of what happened that night. The kiss jogged some of my memory. I think I was better off not remembering. I took out my journal out of my bag and started writing.

I woke up in mid rape. I passed out saying no and woke up with him inside of me. I was screaming inside but was too out of it to realize I wasn't making noise. I remember him touching me, kissing me, rubbing me. It was a nightmare. Why can't I wake up? I want to go home and lay in my Dad's lap with my Mom stroking my hair, telling me things are going to be okay. I just couldn't tell them. I need help. I need to get away from Kendall.