Rodrick x Fregley

Shedding the Bonnet

" Where are we going?" I asked, looking out the window. My bonnet ribbon untangled and flew off my hair, symbolizing a new chapter in my life. Goodbye old Fregley, I am young and free, gliding in my lover's van.  My mother used to force me to wear my bonnet. Screw her, I don't live under her authority anymore. Bonnets are for pussies.

Rodrick sexily glared at me from the driver's seat. "You'll see bitch". I love it when he talks super dominantly to me. It makes me spring. "Lover, don't worry. I will go where you go, I will sleep where you sleep, I will eat what you eat" I declared. 

" Good because you're going to be mine forever," said Rodrick. Before turning on Vermilion, Pt. 2  by Slipknot. As I listened to the angsty, rough voices cry out for love. My family was starved of real, pure love. My parents were arranged into marriage by a traditionalist Christian church fellowships with Swiss German Anabaptist origins. We moved to Plainview, Maryland to convert lost suburban, heathen, idiots to the ways of our Lord and Savior. I mean sure the butter churning conventions and whatnot were nice. But they gave me no thrill. I felt tempted constantly. My sexual awakening occurred while looking at the meaty, Pillsbury Dough Boy on the biscuit tube. I gazed into his soft blue, button eyes and realised that butter churning was never going to cut it for me again. I mean look at his stylish little kerchief. I love Rodrick but even he would never pull it off. My mom always said those who wore kerchiefs were sinners, she used to scribble out with Sharpie. One time I got in a serious scuffle with her because I stole a tube and kept it under my pillow for some special company. When my mother discovered it she was disgusted then forced me to repent by milking ten blessed cows. I mostly keep my lovers secret now, for fear of the wrath of Martha. I concealed my lustful crushes in my mind starting with the sweet doughboy, the StayPuft Marshmellow man, Greg, and then finally Rodrick. You could say I had a thing for cuddly men wearing kerchiefs. But then the Heffley men stole my heart. First Greg, but then I realised I was pining over the wrong Heffley.  

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted as Rodrick slammed on the brakes and pulled into a Safeway. 

"We will be driving for a day and a half" he said gruffly, " Go inside and get food wife".

" Oka,y my little temptress. Is there anything you would like sir?" I said. 

" Don't worry about me, I live off of Dayquill, mountain dew, and raw steak, all of which I have in my car" my lover said. 

" Wow, a true trifecta of nutrition; you must never sleep!" I said getting out of the car. 

" Not anymore since I started watching you," he said. I turned around and smiled.  I strutted inside the store like a confident minx. I gracefully glided through the aisles, grabbing cheese doodles, cat food ( a nice balanced feline meal), and thick heavy cream ( I drink it straight and warm, so I stuffed that in my hoodie to allow the warming to commence). I nearly made it out of the dairy aisle before I saw the beginning of the baked goods aisle. There he was, my first lover. He stood with a wide, yet uncertain and forced smile. I flushed viciously as guilt filled my very being. I felt like scum. 

" How could you do this to me?" He cried in anguish. 

" I am sorry, my mom didn't like you," I exclaimed. " It was affecting the family dynamic".

" I was your family, Fregley," he said, leaning in. 

" Rodrick is better for me," I said ." At least he is a real man".

" Real men wear kerchiefs," he retorted.  That hit me hard, like a ton of bread loaves. Rodrick is too scared, that's why he's taken me away. Rodrick will never wear the kerchief. I love him but he lacks the Pillsbury Dough Boy's courage. I am something to try on and then hide in the back of the closet when his mom starts knocking on the door. 

" Fregley Heffley please report to the front of the store, your father is very worried about you" a tinny voice said over the intercom. My heart did a ceremonial jig. My maiden name was shed at last. 

" You're just trying to trick me, Dough Boy," I said, grinning from ear to ear, before I turned to walk away, not even giving him a slight glace. He didn't deserve it. 

" Don't do that ever to me again!" Said a very frazzled Rodrick. He hugged me tightly. Before shaking me, roughly. " I am so pissed, you took forever, I thought something bad had happened to you!" 

" Something bad did happen to me," I said, my lip wobbling. Hot tears of betrayal ran down my freckled cheeks. 

" Oh my god, Fregley," said Rodrick " Come here". He hugged me again. A stressed cashier came up to us. 

" Oh good, you found your son." He said. I smiled into Rodrick's chest.